


Chasing Starlight

by NormandyStarlight



Series: Evelyn Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Pre-Game(s), Relationship(s), Romance, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-06-03 07:14:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 51,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6601723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NormandyStarlight/pseuds/NormandyStarlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Evelyn Shepard (Spacer, War-hero, Paragon, Engineer) was always incredibly independent, strong-willed, and able to put anything behind her. She never bothered with relationships - but how will meeting Kaidan affect her? Events take place from before Mass Effect and in 1 currently, but will continue throughout the series, between, and after.<br/>(PS: I don't own Mass Effect, Bioware does.)<br/>Any applicable warnings will be posted at the start of said chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Elevator

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I've been writing for sometime now, but this was the first fic I was daring enough to post. I started posting it on ff.net back in February, and finally got my AO3 account today. I'll be uploading a chapter every day or so on here until it's caught up (fic is currently at 12 published chapters). If you're feeling impatient, you can find the rest at ff.net (same pen name, same story title). Feel free to leave comments or suggestions - I love hearing what y'all think!
> 
>  
> 
> Art by xandrassketchbook - tumblr.

# Chapter 1 - Elevator

###  YEAR 2173

It was a big day for Kaidan. He was graduating from basic training today. The sun was shining brightly through the window of his apartment on the Vancouver base. _What a beautiful day. Perfect, really,_ he thought. 

He finished getting his dress blues on and headed to the elevator. Already standing there, waiting for the elevator, was a woman with crimson red hair that was just long enough to frame her chin, or be tucked behind her ears. Even though she was dressed in a crewman’s outfit, seeing only her back, Kaidan had a feeling she was beautiful.

Something was different about her. Most soldiers stared at the elevator as they waited for it to arrive, but she wasn’t. Instead, she gazed out the large window overlooking the English Bay. The sky was bright blue, with very few clouds, simply ornamenting the heavens. 

Kaidan knew most of the soldiers who lived in this building, but didn’t recognize this girl. Being on a base, new people tended to come and go, but Kaidan always liked to get to know new people, even if they wouldn’t be staying for long. 

“Beautiful weather today,” Kaidan commented.

“It’s incredible,” the woman said, turning to meet Kaidan’s eyes for a moment. He caught a glimpse of her radiant smile and gorgeous eyes before she turned back to look at the window. Her eyes were gray, but the way the light was caught in them at this moment made them look pale blue, much like the sky. Kaidan walked over and stood next to her, his body also turned toward the window.

“I don’t recall seeing you here before, my name’s Kaidan, Kaidan Alenko.” He offered his hand. She gladly shook it back, making eye contact with his honey-colored eyes. 

“Evelyn Shepard.” she replied, “and you’re right, this is my first time here.” She turned to face him, smiled as if she was embarrassed, and continued, “Actually, this is my first time to ever be on Earth.”

“Wow,” Kaidan shrugged, “I guess I take it for granted that I was raised here.” 

The elevator made a bright, high pitched sound indicating it was just about to arrive. “Isn’t it crazy how slow these things are?” he said, jokingly. “You would think with space travel being a pretty normal thing, elevators would be faster.” Evelyn laughed, “Yeah. Even on space ships and stations they’re slow.” She paused slightly as the two entered the elevator. Oddly, she felt inclined to share more with this marine. Something about him was warm, inviting. “That’s where I grew up. In space. All over. Different ships and stations. A regular military brat. It was no shock to anyone when I joined the Alliance. I was sort of expected to, with my parents being in the navy.”

“My father served, too,” Kaidan replied, “my mother stayed home, though. Here in Vancouver, actually.” There was a brief pause in the conversation before Kaidan continued, “I guess we have something in common other than the fact that we’re both marines.” The two smiled, both surprised as they found themselves intrigued to learn more about the other.

The elevator was nearing the end of the trip, but Kaidan didn’t want their conversation to be over. He had recently become shy around women, largely in part to fearing rejection as a result of his past. But this time, Kaidan decided to take the chance. Something about her was special.

“I have an idea,” he said. Evelyn turned to him, her grin encouraging him to continue. “I grew up here, and you’ve never been here. It’s a beautiful day, and it would be a shame to waste it inside…so how about I show you around town? I’ll be off-duty after the basic graduation ceremony.” 

“That explains the dress blues,” Shepard said, still smiling. She paused for a moment, just long enough for Kaidan’s heart to skip a beat nervously. “Sure, that sounds great. I’m actually off duty now. I’ll wait for you in the courtyard just outside the west entrance to the hall.” 

The elevator dinged, indicating it had reached its destination.

“I’m looking forward to it” Kaidan said, his golden eyes smiling.

“Me, too,” Shepard replied, beaming and delighted.


	2. Vancouver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to bioticsandheadshots for the review! :) You made my day!
> 
> Art by hazumonster (deviant art).
> 
>  
> 
>   
> 

Shepard sat on a bench just outside the hall where she had agreed to meet Kaidan. She had run a few errands, but wanted to be sure she made it there before the ceremony concluded. The wind was in her hair, and the sun shone down on her, warming her skin comfortably. As she waited, she put on her head phones and listened to her favorite symphony, Beethoven’s Seventh. She loved old-fashioned music, literature, and art. No matter what else happened or where ever she was, those things would always be there for her.

As she listened to the symphony, she began checking up on local events. She was given a few days leave to explore before she began her new assignment, and had always wanted to hear a full symphony in concert using traditional, acoustic instruments. The instruments used in space were always electric versions, which she felt couldn’t possibly do the music justice. 

From the corner of her eye, she caught a sea of navy blue and gold uniforms emerge from the building. Her heart began to speed up with anticipation, which caught her off guard. She had always been very independent, a trait likely attributed to the frequency with which she moved during her upbringing. She had never been romantically involved before; she hadn’t seen the point. She knew it would end as soon as her parents had to move to a new assignment, or the boy’s for that matter. She had joined the Alliance about a year or two ago, and had been far too focused on her new career to even notice the amount of marines who had been interested in her. The unfamiliar feeling of her heart beat fluttering fascinated her. _This must be what 'butterflies in your stomach' feels like._ She had read the phrase many times, but never before could relate to it.

The first movement of the symphony came to its conclusion, and as if on cue, Shepard heard a husky voice behind her. 

“There you are,” Kaidan said, the sun glistening in his amber eyes. “Am I interrupting something?”

“No, actually, your timing was perfect,” Shepard said as she removed her headphones and closed the applications on her omni-tool. 

“Listening to music?” Kaidan inquired, smiling.

“Yeah,” Evelyn let her voice trail off. She didn’t really share this hobby with anyone else she met, and felt too embarrassed to offer the information without specifically being asked. Part of her hoped he would, and part of her was nervous as to what his response would be. _Why should you care what he thinks? What’s going on with you?_ She thought to herself.

“Anything good?” 

Kaidan curiously asked.

 _Good?_ She thought. “The best,” she replied. “My absolute favorite. Beautiful music to accompany a beautiful day.” She managed to avoid saying exactly what she was listening to, but Kaidan pried more, asking her what specifically what it was.

“Beethoven’s Seventh Symphony,” she replied, blushing a bit. Not many people knew about her love for classical music. 

“Seventh Symphony?” Kaidan responded curiously, “I mean, I’ve heard of Beethoven before, and of, I think, the fifth and the ninth symphonies, but not of the seventh.”

“It’s not nearly as famous as it should be,” Evelyn smirked. She was pleased that he knew of Beethoven, was slightly familiar with his works, and hadn’t laughed at her confession. “You should listen to it sometime.”

“I will.” Kaidan smiled and Evelyn’s heart raced even faster. _You fool, calm yourself down. You’re a soldier, he’s a soldier. He’s just here to show you around, that’s all. Stop acting like this is the start of one of those classic romance novels you secretly read._

“So, Evelyn, right? May I call you that?” His voice snapped her from her thoughts.

“Sure, Kaidan," her naturally pink lips beamed at him.

“Great. Are you hungry? There’s this amazing café with the best view of the bay. It’s also kind of tucked away, so it shouldn’t be insanely busy with all the graduates and their visitors like some of the other places.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Evelyn like the idea of some place quiet. She had never been a huge fan of crowds, and was glad there were less of them here on base than on a space ship or station. She noticed, though, that Kaidan didn’t have any family to meet with like many others did after his graduation. _Surely his parents would have come, right?_ She figured it wasn’t her place to ask; she didn’t know him well enough yet to pry into what could be something very personal.

Kaidan offered his hand to help her up, and instinctively, she took it. _Such a gentleman,_ she thought. _Ugh, you have got to cut back on the romance novels, Evelyn._

* * *

Kaidan opened the door to the car and ushered Evelyn in, and noticed her cheeks were a bit pink. _Is she blushing?_ Kaidan thought as he closed the door and moved around to the driver’s side. _Did I make her blush? No way, Kaidan. Don’t get your hopes up. You’re just showing her around town. You don’t even know the girl yet._ Kaidan got in the driver’s seat and turned on the car. The familiar sound of The Beatles came on loudly in time with the engine. He liked to listen to his rock and roll at full-blast.

“Sorry!” Kaidan exclaimed as he turned the volume down.

“That’s quite alright,” Evelyn replied, giggling. “It’s just ‘A Day in the Life,’ after all.”

She had correctly identified the song from barely hearing a measure; Kaidan was surprised and impressed. “You know The Beatles?!” _Maybe I do have a chance with her._ The thought excited him.

First, they visited a small café which overlooked the English Bay. Shepard was amazed at how fresh the chicken on her sandwich tasted - food that she was used to having on space stations was rarely not frozen. Kaidan and Evelyn barely stopped chatting while they were out together, and the more time the two spent together, the more they realized all the things they had in common. They both preferred tea to coffee, and cats to dogs, among other things.

After lunch, they went to Stuart Park and walked along the bay. Shepard was in awe at the scenery, but Kaidan’s eyes were focused on her smile and eyes. _Huh, now they look green,_ he thought, mesmerized by the way they seemed to change color. 

Kaidan chose a part of the park where you could rent a canoe to take around and see other parts of the gorgeous scenery. He had his favorite spot, where he would often go to reflect on things when he was a teenager. 

“Shall we?” Kaidan said, gesturing towards the small boat. 

“Sure! Though, I have to warn you, I’ve also never been on a boat,” Evelyn replied. 

“A lot of firsts today, eh?” He smiled. 

“I suppose so.” Her grin stretched a mile wide. This was probably as happy as she had ever been. _And with someone I barely know,_ she mused. _Although, spending time with Kaidan feels so natural. Organic. It doesn’t at all feel like spending the day with a stranger._ Kaidan, already in the canoe, carefully guided Evelyn onto the boat with his firm, strong hands. “Welcome aboard, Shepard.” He said, smirking.

“Thank you, Alenko,” she replied back, as if in character. She would have lost her balance getting in if it weren’t for Kaidan’s guidance and strength. He took the oars and began to row them out a short distance from the shore. 

“So, where are we headed?” Shepard inquired as the water rippled gently around the canoe. 

“My favorite spot. You can only get to it by boat.” Kaidan's husky voice spoke, not even slightly strained as he rowed. 

Their conversation was very light as they traveled along the shore. Evelyn was in awe of the Earth’s beauty and it left her lost for words. Kaidan watched her as her silver eyes sparkled, reflecting shades of blue and green in addition to grey. It pleased him to see her so happy and full of wonderment. A few minutes later, they had finally arrived. 

“Well…Here we are.” Kaidan dropped the oars and wiped a few drops of glistening sweat from his forehead. Shepard was left speechless at the sight of her surroundings. The piney woods glowed in the sunlight, and lush green brush cascaded over the side of the cliff, a natural work of art. When she didn’t reply, Kaidan continued. “I used to come here all the time as a teen. Few people tend to row all the way out here. I always found solace here.” 

“It’s incredible,” Evelyn said, a bird that matched the color of her crimson hair catching her eye. “Not just the scenery, the wildlife, too,” she said, pointing out the bird. Finally, she turned back to Kaidan, light dancing in her silver eyes. “Thank you for bringing me here.” 

“Anytime,” Kaidan replied. The two continued to converse, losing track of time. Before they knew it, the sun had begun to set, and Kaidan noticed Evelyn shivering. Without hesitation, he began to unbutton the jacket of his dress blues, wearing a simple navy blue undershirt beneath it. Shepard noticed that he wasn’t excessively burly, but his muscles were toned and strong, and she found her heart began to race again. “Here,” he offered her his jacket, and she took it and wrapped it around her, thanking him. 

“I suppose I ought to start rowing us back.” Kaidan said in response to the setting sun. “We don’t want to get caught out here once the sun has already finished setting. It can get pretty dark." He smiled, his amber orbs glistening. "I’m sure you’ll enjoy the sunset on the way back, though.” And she certainly did. The sky was painted beautiful shades of orange, red, purple, and blue. The clouds were almost a faint pink, outlined with a bright red. As Shepard and Kaidan approached the shore, the stars began to shine atop the horizon, indicating that sadly, this day was coming to an end. 

_But there certainly can be more days like this._ Evelyn smiled, allowing herself to finally give in to the thought of spending more time with Kaidan, and forgiving herself for feeling attracted to him. Her blissful thoughts were suddenly interrupted by her stomach growling loudly; she hadn’t realized she was hungry until now. Kaidan’s face showed that he heard her, and the two chuckled. 

“Let’s get you some dinner,” he said with his deep voice. “Steak?” 

“Steak sounds amazing.” It was one of the things they discovered they both loved that day. Evelyn continued to wear Kaidan’s coat, and it dawned on her that to any bystander, she and Kaidan probably looked like a couple. She grinned, not minding the thought at all. 

After dinner, they returned to base, and Kaidan walked Evelyn to her apartment. It didn’t surprise him to learn that she lived on his floor, seeing as he met her waiting for the elevator. As they approached her door, Kaidan stepped closer to her deliberately, though it might not have appeared that way to Evelyn. _She’s so beautiful._ He cleared his throat slightly, nervously. “Well, uh, I guess this is good night. It was a pleasure, Evelyn.” 

Shepard beamed back at him and spoke appreciatively. “I can’t thank you enough for showing me around today. I wouldn’t have known where to start. I had a great time today.” She paused before she hesitantly continued. “I’ll see you around, Kaidan, ok?” 

“You can count on it,” Kaidan responded, planting a gentle, but firm kiss on her cheek. He turned the corner and walked away, too afraid to see or hear her reaction. 

If he had turned around, he would have noticed that in spite of how dark the corridor was, it was obvious that Evelyn was blushing a shade of red not too far from the color of her hair.


	3. Professionalism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diving into Evelyn’s history a little in this chapter!
> 
> Also, please tell me what your thoughts are on how I showed her writing process.

A blinking red light illuminated Kaidan’s otherwise dark apartment as he walked inside. _Shit, I didn’t even bother to check my messages while I was out today._ The red light indicated that this was an urgent, time sensitive, message. He quickly opened it on his terminal.

 _Tomorrow morning?!_ He thought, shocked at what the message contained. Sure, he had graduated at the top of his class in basic and figured he might get a good assignment, but he hadn’t expected something this fast or on such short notice.

His heart was simultaneously elated and sunken. Had he not just met the most amazing woman, he wouldn’t feel the slightest bit of conflict over shipping out right away. Part of him was exhilarated to be heading out to his first post, and yet he was also disappointed that he wouldn’t be living down the hall from Shepard anymore. 

He quickly began to pack his things and got a few hours of shut-eye before taking what little belongings he had with him as he boarded the SSV Leipzig. He wished he had run into Shepard that morning so he could say a proper good-bye, but sadly, he hadn’t.

* * *

It had been a few days since Shepard last saw Kaidan, and she found herself wondering where he had been. He had kissed her cheek and disappeared the other night, leaving Shepard feeling like she had just read a major cliff-hanger in one of her books. 

As she was getting ready to report for duty, her omni-tool alerted her that she had received a message. When she saw it came from Kaidan, her heart raced just a little. _Is he asking me out again? Following up, finally? Or maybe he changed his mind..._

> Shepard,
> 
> I’m sorry I haven’t been around, and that it’s taken me so long to send you this message.  
>  I wanted to let you know that after I dropped you off at your apartment the other night, I got a message saying that I was shipping out the next morning. I still can’t believe it happened so fast. I’m serving on the SSV Leipzig in the First Fleet now, and proud to be here.  
>  I’m disappointed that our time together was so short. I wish I could get to know you more.  
>  I hope you enjoy your time serving on Earth and hope we meet again someday.
> 
> Kaidan Alenko

_Well, I suppose that explains why I haven’t seen him around._ She then began analyzing the exact language used in the letter, immediately noticing Kaidan had addressed her by her last name. _He must have figured out that I out-rank him and didn’t want to seem unprofessional._  
She continued getting ready for her day, re-reading the letter multiple times and over-analyzing every word. Throughout her day, she thought about how to reply, and then wrote a draft. She never sent any communication without revising it later with a fresh mind, and this reply would certainly be no different.

> ~~Alenko,~~ ~~Kaidan,~~ ~~Alenko,~~ Kaidan,
> 
> I was wondering where you had been! 
> 
> I wanted to thank you again for taking me around Vancouver. I had ~~the best~~ ~~an amazing~~ a wonderful time. 

_Don’t sound so love-struck!_ she chided herself, writing and revising her letter. _The tone of his letter was primarily professional. Take your cue from him. Be professional._

> I wish you the best on your new assignment with the First Fleet. It’s an honor to be chosen to serve there. Though, I must admit I’ll miss seeing you around here.

_Professional, dummy._

> Perhaps we will meet again one day.
> 
> -Evelyn Shepard

She later read over her final draft and hesitated over the “send” button.

> Kaidan,
> 
> I wanted to thank you again for taking me around Vancouver. I had a wonderful time. 
> 
> I wish you the best on your new assignment with the First Fleet. It’s an honor to be chosen to serve there. 
> 
> Perhaps we will meet again one day.
> 
> \- Evelyn Shepard

Her heart sank with disappointment as she sent the message off, wondering if she would hear from him again. She moved her head back and forth, shaking her feelings off. _It’s time to put those silly feelings back on the shelf. Clearly, it was foolish to entertain them in the first place._

Upon cataloging her feelings, Evelyn’s mind drifted to revisit a memory from nearly a decade ago. The events of which, and those following, were what largely caused her to develop into such an independent woman.

* * *

Evelyn was barely twelve years old. Her mother returned to their cabin one night, distraught. Hannah Shepard’s face was white as snow, eyes red from shedding all the tears she possibly could. Hannah returned to the cabin later than Evelyn expected, and Evelyn had been concerned something might have gone wrong. After seeing her mother, Evelyn knew her concerns were not for naught.

“What’s wrong, Mom?”

Hannah Shepard hesitated, trying to find the words to answer her daughter. The mother had always known Evelyn was incredibly intelligent and perceptive; it shouldn’t have come to any shock to her that she would recognize Hannah’s distress and inquire about it.

“Evelyn, your father, he’s…”

A long silence stretched in the darkness between them. Evelyn was the one to break it. 

“He’s gone, isn’t he?”

“Yes,” Hannah whispered, amazed at her daughter’s strength.

“He’s not coming back, is he?”

Her mother swallowed the lump in her throat. “No, sweetie.”

A short silence filled the room before Evelyn inquired, _needing_ more details.“Did he suffer? Or was his death quick?”

Evelyn knew much about military life, but even still, the question surprised Hannah. Her daughter was taking this news with more strength than she could have ever imagined.. 

“Quick," Hannah nodded slowly. "Bullet to the head from a sniper. He died instantly.” Shepard's mother spared no details; she knew her daughter needed them or else would end up speculating on her own, dwelling on it longer and more depressingly than she ought to.

“Oh.” the young child's voice acknowledged her mother's response with as little sound as possible.

Another silence between them fell, and without a sound, Evelyn began to cry. Hannah could see the tears in her daughter's silver eyes sparkling from the low light of the room and embraced her daughter. No more words were spoken from either of them for the rest of that evening.

* * *

Evelyn snapped her mind back to the present. She banished the depressing memory and envisioned her father’s smiling face instead. Any time her mind traveled to that dark night, she reminded herself of the good times they had. 

For the next week or so after sending her response to Kaidan’s letter, Evelyn found herself checking her message terminal more frequently than usual, hoping for a reply from the handsome dark-haired man. Each time she did, she reminded herself how ridiculous it was. Shepard’s logical mind allowed her to compartmentalize her feelings very well, and soon, she had put Kaidan out of her mind; she went back to being focused solely on her career. She decided that she wouldn’t allow these “distracting feelings” to surface again. Shepard was determined to become a better soldier, engineer, tactician, and leader. She wanted to make her mother and father proud, and no boy was about to get in her way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Independent and strong-willed, or stubborn? Maybe a little of both, eh? Only one more chapter of pre-mass effect events left, and then the ball really starts rolling! 
> 
> PS: Thank you to the four guests who left kudos! Such a small gesture seriously means a lot! :)  
> PPS: I'm going to also post Chapter 4 today because it is short like this one.


	4. Blitz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interlude taking place during the year 2176 - between the first three chapters (2173) and the start of Mass Effect (2183).

The year was 2176. _Three years already,_ Kaidan reminisced. So much had happened since he joined the Alliance. Boot camp, promotions, honing his biotic abilities, and meeting _her._

It surprised Kaidan that even now, three years later, he would be reminded of Shepard. Every now and then he would see something, crimson red hair, grey eyes, or a similar silhouette, which reminded him of her and that blissful day in Vancouver. Kaidan hadn’t been home since, and found himself missing both the girl and the place. He thought about going back to visit, but he didn’t even know if Evelyn was still stationed there. Her reply to his message three years ago had been so professional, and didn’t request a response. Kaidan wondered back then if he should have sent her another message. He had debated it for a while, and then, after a few weeks, thought that it had been too long since he received her message. He figured he ought to focus on his career, and decided that if it was meant to be, he would see her again.

Kaidan was sitting in a cafeteria on Arcturus Station when a news report came on. The broadcast caught everyone’s attention; the cafeteria fell silent, and Kaidan, along with a number of other soldiers, stood up as the violent images of a human colony being attacked by batarian pirates filled the screen.

“The colony of Elysium had been under attack for hours before Alliance reinforcements arrived. It would likely not have survived if it weren’t for the actions of one off-duty Alliance marine --”

_Oh my god. It’s her._

“Evelyn Shepard. The engineer and brilliant tactician was there on shore leave, but that didn’t stop her from putting her skills to work. A natural leader, Shepard rallied the colonists to assist her in defending the colony by keeping the batarians out. When the defenses were breached, Shepard ordered the civilians to safety and single-handedly held off the invaders. The remaining batarians fled when additional Alliance ground support arrived, and not a moment too soon. Shepard was shot in the knee and is expected to make a full recovery. We were lucky enough to get a comment from her; all she had to say was ‘I was just doing my job.’”

A million thoughts ran through Kaidan’s head during the news report. _An engineer, eh? Civilians fighting? She did that all on her own? How incredible. She was injured? Damned batarians. Thank God the Alliance showed up in time. I hope she makes her recovery soon._

The other reporter chimed in, “I would say she went above and beyond ’just doing her job,’ and hope Alliance marines are inspired by her to have such a dedicated sense of duty. Shepard will be receiving a promotion, a Star of Terra, and an N7 recommendation as a result of the events on Elysium. The colonists are extremely grateful, many stating ‘we owe her our lives.’”

Kaidan thought about writing her a message, and even started a draft, but decided against sending anything. _You spent one day with her three years ago. She probably doesn’t even remember you. ___He considered that she might, given that she had some “firsts” that day and that he had given her a kiss on the cheek, but still talked himself out of messaging her.

* * *

Evelyn sat up in her hospital bed tinkering with her omni-tool, when her mother entered the hospital room.

“Evelyn! Are you alright? I was so worried when I heard Elysium –"

Her mother noticed that she was playing with her 'tool and rolled her eyes. “What are you doing, Evelyn? You should be resting, not working.” she chided.

“There’s no reason I can’t research upgrades to my combat drones while I sit in this damned bed." the younger Shepard grumbled back. "Besides, these pain medications are really good." her lips curled slightly. " I feel fine. I need to think.”

Her mother sighed, “there’s no talking you out of anything once you set your mind to it." Hannah Shepard sat on the bed next to her daughter. "Could you pause to visit with your mother at least?”

Evelyn smiled and closed the applications, and the orange glow of the omni-tool disappeared. “Of course, mom. I was just saving my research. I might not have gotten shot in the knee if my drone’s shields had held up just a bit longer…”

“There you go, analyzing everything again.” Her mother sighed, shrugged her shoulders, and smiled proudly all at the same time. “That’s my girl.” 

“You really didn’t have to come, mom, I know you’re busy,” Evelyn said. “I can take care of myself, you know.”

The elder Shepard scoffed and crossed her arms. “Of course I know that, silly, but,” Hannah Shepard’s eyes welled up with tears. “You’re all I have left. So, let me take care of you for once, please.”

Hannah Shepard placed her hand on her daughter’s. Even though it had been over a decade since Evelyn’s father was killed in active duty, losing him still affected Hannah from time to time. Evelyn grabbed her mother’s hand. “Of course, mom, I’m sorry," replied with utmost sincerity, shifting her demeanor away from business, to personal instead. Sometimes she wasn't sure which "Evelyn Shepard" to be when her mother visited - the lowering ranking officer or the daughter.

Hannah blinked away the tears and smiled. “Thank you. Now, I’ve heard all the news, but want to hear the story from your view. When you’re ready, that is.”

Evelyn paused for a long time before responding. She swallowed, her throat feeling like a hard lump had filled it up. “Another time, please.”

Her mother took the cue. She had also seen some pretty horrifying things in battle, and knew not to press the issue. “Sure, darling. What would you like to talk about?”

Evelyn smiled broadly. “Did I ever tell you about my first day on Earth?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, how sweet. On a rough day, that day's memories still comfort her.


	5. Normandy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard board the Normandy for the first time (Year, 2183). So, I suppose this chapter is still _technically_ set before Mass Effect 1. I couldn't decide which POV to write this chapter from, so I did them both!

### SHEPARD

_What an incredible ship,_ Evelyn mused. _Human-turian design, state-of-the-art drive core, and not to mention the stealth capabilities._ Shepard was amazed that Captain Anderson chose her to be his XO on his new frigate, the Normandy, and she couldn’t feel more honored. She had reported for duty less than an hour ago in her dress blues and was one of the first to board, second only to the commanding officer himself. Just as Anderson finished showing Shepard around the ship he handed her a data pad, and gave his orders.

“Here’s the list of personnel assigned to Normandy, and their scheduled arrivals. Meet them out on the docking bay, as we discussed earlier.” The two continued their discussion as they headed to the entrance of the Normandy, where Shepard would be greeting the new crew members. “Joker should be here any minute now.”

“Joker?” Shepard inquired. No one was listed under that name on her docket.

“Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau.” Anderson sighed, “You’ll understand the nickname soon enough. Anyway, I have a meeting I need to get to. I trust you’ll get the crew all settled, XO.”

“Aye, aye, sir.” She responded, saluting. Anderson smiled warmly and nodded as he headed out. 

Less than a minute later, Shepard saw a man walking with a limp headed towards her. He stopped in front of her, saluted, and unexpectedly said, “best pilot in the Alliance reporting for duty.” 

And now she understood the nickname. “Welcome aboard, Flight Lieutenant Moreau.”

“That title is just so ridiculously long. Just call me Joker,” he replied with a thick layer of sarcasm.

Evelyn smiled. “Only if you promise to live up to it,” she bantered back.

“Oh don’t worry, Commander, I will, "Joker chuckled.

“Good, I’m glad that’s settled,” she said in a facetiously professional manner. Shepard could already tell she would enjoy Joker’s company.

Next to report was Engineer Adams, who was already quite familiar with the ship. Shepard had him show Joker around, so that she would be able to wait for the other crew members. 

Since no other crew members were waiting to speak with her at the moment, and Evelyn took the time to look over the data pad Anderson had given her. Her eyes scanned though the list of crewman and a name caught her attention. _Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. He must be the one who showed me around Vancouver._

“Evelyn,” a familiar voice called to her. It snapped her from her thoughts, and she looked up and saw Navigator Charles Pressly standing in front of her. 

“Pressly!” she gave him an excited embrace. It was the kind of hug one might give their favorite uncle, or in this case, a close family friend. Pressly had been good friends with her father, and Evelyn had served with him on the Agincourt. 

“It’s been what, half a decade?" The officer patted her back and pulled back from their embrace, placing his wrinkled hands on her forearms. "You’ve grown so much as a marine since the last time I saw you. Your father would be proud.” he stated with deference. 

“Thanks, Pressly.” She smiled widely, flattered. “That means a lot coming from you. I’m glad you’re here.” 

“Me, too, Evelyn - I mean, Commander Shepard.” Pressly paused slightly as he dropped his arms to his sides, and shrugged. “Sorry, that’s going to take some getting used to.” 

“That’s ok, Navigator.” She had known her pseudo-uncle would be stationed with her, but still needed more time to adjust to their new professional relationship. “I completely understand. The last time we served together, you outranked me and calling me by my first name wasn’t a big deal. This will definitely be an adjustment, for both of us.” the two nodded in acknowledgement to the each other. 

“Thank you, Commander. Now, I suppose I should get to know this vessel.” 

Evelyn straightened her posture. “Indeed. Dismissed, Navigator.” 

Her mind immediately returned to the trail of thought that had been interrupted. 

_There’s no way it’s the same Kaidan Alenko. It’s been ten years, anyways. You’re some chick he took out once. He probably doesn’t even remember you. That’s, you know, if it is him anyway._

From across the walkway, Shepard saw the silhouette of a man in dress blues that she that she hadn’t forgotten; for the past decade, she had been reminded of this marine off and on. He was back-lit and Shepard couldn’t make out any details. He he approached she didn't take her eyes off him, and the closer he got the more clearly she could see him. He looked different now, older, but it was absolutely the same Kaidan. The only man who had taken her on a date, and _the only man to ever make me blush._ She quickly dismissed the memory of him kissing her on the cheek. 

“Commander Shepard,” he said, saluting her properly. 

_See, he doesn’t remember you._

“Lieutenant Alenko, welcome aboard.” It had been him to say that to her last time, jokingly, as he helped her into the canoe. She started to lose herself in the memory, and didn’t even notice him smile, as though he was recalling the same moment. 

“Permission to speak freely, ma’am?” 

Her heart raced. Her mind froze. Her voice spoke without her own permission. “Granted.” 

“Do you remember me?” he inquired, his amber pools gazing into her silver ones. 

Her heart rate slowed a little, relieved, and a smile crept across her face. 

“Of course I do. You showed me around Vancouver.” her lips curved upwards. 

“I did,” he nodded, and continued, in slightly nervous manner, “I’m looking forward to serving with you.” 

“As am I, Lieutenant,” she grinned and could feel a blush rising up across her face. _Damn it!_ She looked down at the data pad, hiding her embarrassed face. _Keep it together, woman. You’re his CO. Those feelings you have – had – can’t be acted upon. It could ruin both your careers. You have to let them go._

“Well, uh, I suppose I should head on in and get settled,” Kaidan continued, his voice less confident than before. 

“Right,” Evelyn returned from her thoughts and looked him confidently in his amber eyes. “Dismissed, Lieutenant.” 

“Ma’am.” Kaidan dipped his head slightly down and strode into the ship with conviction. 

_See, you can keep it together, Evelyn. No silly man is going to mess up your career._

 

###  KAIDAN

Kaidan had spent the past few weeks anticipating today – the day he would officially join the crew of the Alliance’s new prototype warship, the SSV Normandy. He still couldn’t believe Captain Anderson chose him for his Staff Lieutenant, but was proud of himself for doing well enough to be recognized by such a prominent figure in the Alliance and assigned to marine detail on his ship. Kaidan took in the views of Arcturus Station, which had grown to be one of his favorite places, as he headed to the docking bay where Normandy was; the lieutenant did not know when, of if, he would return to this place.

He turned the final corner and stopped at the entrance to the docking bay. The saw a familiar figure in the distance - short red hair, tucked behind the ears, grey eyes, wearing dress blues. _Except last time, it was your coat she was wearing,_ he reminisced. She had looked gorgeous wearing his over-sized coat that night, and was even more beautiful now in her own, properly fitted, uniform. It surprisingly showed off her curves, and Kaidan found himself having a hard time taking his eyes off her. Even ten years later, he recognized her, and was positive it was the same Evelyn. 

The image of her standing in the light of the station was disrupted by a mostly bald, older officer, entering the frame. Evelyn turned to him, smiled widely, and embraced him, as though he was someone close to her. _I wonder if she’ll ever be that comfortable with me…I hope she will._ With that thought Kaidan realized that the feelings for her had never gone away, and remembered how all those years ago he and thought _if it’s meant to be, I’ll see her again._

Except now, she was his commanding officer. Kaidan knew this would complicate things - that he couldn’t act on his feelings. He sighed, regretting his decision not to message her back all those years ago. _Now I'm just some junior officer with a crush on my CO, "the great Commander Shepard."_ He was thrilled to be serving with her, but also disappointed that nothing could come of his feelings for her. Given the tone of the message she sent him a decade ago when the two of them barely knew each other, he was certain that now, as his CO, she would maintain that same level professionalism - if not an even higher standard. 

When the other officer disappeared from view and onto Normandy, Kaidan gathered up his nerve and headed down the ramp. He could have sworn he saw a smile creep across her face as he approached her. 

“Commander Shepard,” he said, saluting her properly. 

“Lieutenant Alenko, welcome aboard.” Kaidan noticed the corners of her lips turn up slightly and her twinkling silver orbs reminisce. 

Kaidan grinned at the memory of him helping her into the canoe when they went out on the English Bay. Nervously, he swallowed. He had to know if her smile was just a friendly welcome she gave to all the crew, or if she remembered him, too. 

“Permission to speak freely, ma’am?” 

She responded without hesitation, almost reflexively, “Granted.” 

“Do you remember me?” Kaidan quickly inquired. 

His heart began to pound in his chest; he could hear and feel it in the brief silence before she answered. 

“Of course I do.” Her smile widened, “You showed me around Vancouver.” 

“I did,” he nodded. He hadn’t planned this far in the conversation. Truly, he didn’t plan it at all, and was surprised he got this far. He figured he should just be honest, and nervously admitted, “I’m looking forward to serving with you.” Kaidan found himself smiling ever so slightly. 

“As am I, Lieutenant,” she grinned, and then swiftly looked down at her data pad. _Did she just blush? Kaidan thought. Is that why she looked down at her data pad so quickly?_

When she didn’t look back up after a few seconds, Kaidan cleared his throat and spoke up. “Well, uh, I suppose I should head on in and get settled.” He had meant to sound more confident than it came out. 

“Right,” Evelyn looked up at him, her grey eyes staring into his amber ones assuredly. “Dismissed, Lieutenant.” “Ma’am.” Kaidan shook his head once he was past her and sure she wasn’t looking. _What was that, Alenko?_ >

“So, you know the commander, huh?” A nearby voice asked. With his train of thought interrupted, Kaidan started to respond, but then realized that the question had not been intended for him, but instead for the officer who had come aboard just before. 

“Actually yes, both personally and professionally. Her father and I were great friends, and the Commander and I served together on the Agincourt.” 

“So you were part of the Blitz, too? I guess the Captain picked a few people up from there.” The soldier must have noticed Kaidan, who had started to head down into the CIC. “Hey, looks like we’ve got another one!” 

Kaidan stopped and turned around. He didn’t want to appear to have been eavesdropping on the conversation, but hoped he would be brought into it. He introduced himself to the two, who in turn introduced themselves as Joker, the pilot, and Navigator Pressly. The navigator then dismissed himself, leaving the two lieutenants hanging out in the cockpit. 

“So, Kaidan, what’s your story?” Joker pried. 

“Oh nothing noteworthy, really.” Kaidan bantered sarcastically. “I’m just an L2 biotic.” 

“Yeah, that’s gotta suck.” Joker batted back. “Vanguard? Adept?” 

“Sentinel.” 

“Oooh, a tech nerd, too. Guess you and the Commander have something in common.” Joker laughed, “Well, anyway, sounds like you and me'll get along just fine.” 

“Is that so, flight lieutenant?” Kaidan replied with a chuckle. 

“Definitely. You can bitch about your side effects, and I can one-up you every time.” 

“That so?” Kaidan’s tone was both inquisitive and facetious. 

“Vrolick’s Syndrome. Brittle bones. If I’m not careful, I can break something when I take a shit." Joker loudly whispered the last part. 

Kaidan laughed, “Sounds like a pain in the ass.” 

“For real.” 

Clearly, crude humor and banter would be a central part of their relationship. Kaidan stayed and chatted with Joker a little longer before going to put his things in his locker. When the rest of the crew arrived, Kaidan met them in the CIC and showed them around the ship. 

* * *

It was getting late, and Kaidan was pretty sure all the crew was aboard. He stood in the crowded mess hall and wondered why they hadn’t departed yet, when Anderson came on the comm. 

“Change of plans, people. We’ll be departing tomorrow morning. We have someone who was delayed flying in from turian space. As soon as he’s on board, we’ll head out. Everyone get some shut-eye tonight, tomorrow is an important day.” 

_Huh. Turian space? Who could be coming from out there?_ Kaidan wondered. He took a seat in at one of the tables with his rations, and started to eat, when _she_ sat across from him. 

“How’s it going, LT?” Evelyn asked warmly. 

Kaidan made sure to finish chewing and swallow before he responded. “Pretty good, Commander. I spoke with most of the crew today, started to get to know them. You know, add the personal component to the details provided in their service records.” 

Shepard smiled. “Excellent work, Alenko. I like that you’re taking initiative. It sounds like you’ll do an outstanding job on heading up marine detail.” 

“That means a lot coming from you, ma’am.” Kaidan beamed back. He was glad to have a normal conversation with her, not one laced with awkwardness like earlier. 

“Anyone make an impression?” she inquired. 

Kaidan chuckled, “Yeah, the pilot, Joker. His nickname seems to fit him well.” 

Shepard giggled “Oh, absolutely. I can already tell he’ll be great for comic relief when it’s needed.” 

Her laugh warmed Kaidan’s heart. He loved to see her happy, smiling, enjoying life. Hearing her giggle reminded him of her reaction to the music playing loudly in his car back in Vancouver. He hoped they would soon have new memories to add to those from ten years past. 

As the mess cleared out, the two continued their conversation. They casually caught up on what they had been up to the past decade, including their favorite places in the galaxy and other species they had encountered, realizing that they both loved to learn about new cultures. 

Soon, the lights were all dimmed and the crew walked through the mess and into their sleeper pods. Anderson came downstairs, on the way to his cabin, and saw Kaidan and Shepard still talking. 

“Glad to see my crew is getting to know each other,” he noted with a slight curl of his lips. “But it’s lights out. Get some sleep, you two.” 

They stood, acknowledged the order, and headed to their sleeper pods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is considerably longer, so it might take me a bit longer to get it uploaded, but it should be up Sunday at the latest. :) I hope you're enjoying it so far!


	6. Eden Prime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lead in to and through the first mission on Eden Prime. Establishes Evelyn's mentality in battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I typically won't be including missions in my fic, but I chose to do this one because I felt is really helps establish what Evelyn is like on the battle field. I also used some dialogue from the game in this chapter. It has my own spin on it, though. Also, I won't be using all the lines from the game.
> 
> Thanks to Ms Stitcha who encouraged me while I had difficulty writing this chapter, to those who left kudos, and to BioticsandHeadshots for the review!

 

Joker and Kaidan sat in the cockpit as they headed towards the mass relay that would link them to the system of their destination. The guest they had waited for caused quite the stir onboard the Normandy, and Joker wasn’t shy about sharing his feelings with Kaidan.

“Who would have thought the person coming in from turian space would be a _turian_?” Joker asked Kaidan, half sarcastically, half seriously. “I mean, I guess it kinda makes sense. Who else would be coming from out there?”

“Yeah, but it’s still a bit surprising,” Kaidan commented. “Especially since this is supposed to just be a shakedown mission.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to doubt that. You know, now that there’s a turian spectre aboard.” Joker rolled his eyes. “It just doesn’t seem right.”

Kaidan responded very diplomatically, “I’m sure there’s a reason. Commander Shepard will tell us when we need to be in the loop.”

“Maybe, but who says she even knows?” Joker sighed, “I just hate not knowing. It would be nice to have an idea of what I’m about to fly this bird into.”

“Like I said,” Kaidan reassuringly repeated himself, “I’m sure we’ll know when we need to. I doubt the alliance spent all this money on this ship just for it to get wrecked right away.”

“I suppose you’re right.” Joker shifted gears. “Approaching the mass relay, Captain.”

As if on cue, Anderson appeared in the cockpit, accompanied by the turian. Kaidan was glad that the conversation he and Joker were having had just been wrapped up and hoped their guest hadn’t heard it; Kaidan didn’t want to leave a negative impression on either of the men.

“Lieutenants, this is Nihlus. He’ll be accompanying us on this mission." Anderson stated. He paused and gestured toward Kaidan and Joker. "Nihlus, these men are Flight Lieutenant Moreau and Staff Lieutenant Alenko.”

Kaidan stood and saluted his superior.

“At ease, Alenko.” Kaidan softened his posture and nodded. Anderson looked specifically at the pilot, who had not responded at all, “Joker, I expect the utmost respect for guest.”

Joker didn’t stand or salute because he was preoccupied flying the ship. He responded without taking his eyes off the void. “Of course, Captain, you got it.”

“Good,” Anderson said, leaving the bridge and Nihlus behind.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room. _Why is Nihlus hanging out in here?_ Kaidan wondered. He focused on his station, and Joker continued to fly the ship, not letting the tall alien figure behind him distract him. It was only a few moments until Joker ended the quiet.

“Welcome to the Utopia System. Thrusters, check. Navigation, check. Internal emissions sink engaged. All systems online. Drift, just under 1500k.”

“1500 is good; your captain will be pleased.” Nihlus stated before leaving the cockpit.

Just after Nihlus was out of ear shot,  Joker sighed. “I hate that guy.”

“Nihlus gave you a compliment…so you hate him,” Kaidan retorted.

“You remember to zip up your jump suit on the way outta the bathroom, that’s good. I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead, so that’s incredible.” Kaidan couldn’t help but roll his eyes at Joker’s reasoning. _He's right, but a little modesty might suit him._ Joker continued, “besides, spectres are trouble. I don’t like having them on board. Call me paranoid.”

“You’re paranoid,” Kaidan called him on it. “The council helped fund this project, they have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment.” Kaidan may have spoken with confidence, but he wasn’t sure he believed it himself.

Joker scoffed, “yeah, that’s the official story. But only an idiot believes the official story.”

Before Kaidan could respond, another voice broke into their dialogue. Shepard had moved so quietly into the cockpit that neither Kaidan nor Joker noticed her arrival. “How are the stealth systems operating?” Her tone was very business-like, and spoke without acknowledging the gossip-like conversation they had been having. Her interruption took Joker by surprise.

“Uh – yes, ma’am! Looks like everything is running correctly.”

Shepard nodded, and then changed her tone. She clearly had business to check on up here, but also cared about her crew. Her tone became cordial and empathetic.“Is everything alright in here?” Though she hadn’t specifically addressed the question to Joker, Kaidan got the impression it was directed more to the pilot than himself.

“Yeah, Commander. I’m just a little tense.” Joker sighed and shrugged. “I didn’t expect there to be a spectre on board.”

There was a slight pause, and Kaidan felt the need to chime in. “It does seem a bit odd, Commander. I suppose the council is checking on their investment, but something just doesn’t feel right.”

“I agree.” She straightened her posture, then continued. “When I know more, I’ll fill you in.” 

_Her ability to command and yet also be warm is incredible,_ Kaidan thought, admiring how she was able to be both caring and friendly, but very professional at the same time

Anderson’s voice came over the comm, ordering Shepard down to the communications room. “I better get down there,” Evelyn said. “Hopefully I’ll have some answers for you after this, Joker, Kaidan,” she turned and headed out without hesitation.

Kaidan immediately noticed the use of his first name. _Did she call me Kaidan intentionally? Or was that a slip up? Did she even realize she called me by my first name?_

“Holy shit,” Joker’s surprised, hushed tone, interrupted Kaidan’s train of thought. Joker scrambled as he contacted the Captain to show him the unexpected horrors that were shown in the transmission coming from their destination. Eden Prime, a garden planet primarily inhabited by civilians, a colony known for its beauty and farmlands, was under attack. _Even if this mission’s original purpose was to be a simple shakedown mission, its more than that now,_ Kaidan discerned.

Moments later, Shepard rushed back up to the bridge. “Alenko!” She shouted from a short distance away. “Suit up – we’re going down there!”

Kaidan stood immediately, acknowledging the order as he moved. The two marines swiftly jogged down to the armory and began to prepare for the attack.

Evelyn pulled off her uniform, revealing that she only had a thin camisole on underneath it. Kaidan noticed how gorgeous she looked, her abdomen toned and waist defined, but he immediately shook off the distraction. There were civilians under attack down there that needed his help. Now was not the time to ogle his commanding officer.

Evelyn noticed Kaidan’s short gaze on her, and moved her eyes away from his face. They landed on his chest and observed his attractive, toned muscles. Evelyn forced herself to focus on getting herself ready for battle; she was used to getting into her armor in front of other marines, but for some reason, with Kaidan she had to steady her thoughts on the mission to keep from blushing.

There was one other marine down there with them, Jenkins, who was already dressed and getting their weapons ready.

Time passed so quickly – before they knew it, Evelyn, Kaidan, and Jenkins had been briefed by Anderson and were ground-side on Eden Prime. It was dusk, but the smoke everywhere made it darker, seeming later than it was. The dreaded, but familiar, metallic odor of blood crept through the filter of Shepard’s helmet. The last time she had seen this much bloodshed had been Elysium. Her mind had started to flash back to it, but her resolve was strong. She compartmentalized the memory, as she often had, and moved forward.

The path ahead looked clear, so Evelyn ordered Jenkins to move up. Out of nowhere, two recon drones ambushed him. Shepard and Kaidan overloaded one each, but it was already too late.

“Damn it!” Evelyn cursed herself. Kaidan looked at her, his visage, surprised, and concerned at his commander’s reaction to their comrade’s death. He had expected her to be more stoic in battle, given their previous interactions and her experience. As they approached Jenkins' body, Kaidan noticed Shepard clenching her fists. She took a deep breath, relaxed her fingers and shoulders, and stated plainly that she would see to it that he got a proper burial after the mission was complete. Kaidan shook off her reaction, just as his commander had, but first reassured her by laying one hand on the back of her shoulder. She shivered at the unexpected touch, but then turned to Kaidan and smiled slightly. “Thanks,” she simply said. “Let’s move out.”

They came around a bend and saw another marine, firing from what little cover she had from the intelligent, humanoid machines attacking her. As Shepard and Kaidan drew closer, Kaidan exclaimed in a hushed tone, “Geth? What are they doing out here? Why are they attacking a human colony?” Shepard, focused on helping the marine, sent a combat drone out to draw their fire away from her. Kaidan overloaded the geths’ shields, Evelyn sabotaged their weapons, and the drone finished the last unit off. They rushed over to the marine as soon as things were clear.

“Are you alright?” Shepard inquired.

“I’ll survive.” She breathed hard. “I’m Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the 212. You in charge here, ma’am?”

“I’m Commander Shepard, and this is Lieutenant Alenko.” Kaidan thought it was incredibly thoughtful of her to take the time to introduce him as well. “Lieutenant, run a first aid diagnostic on her,” as Kaidan followed the order, Evelyn continued her conversation with Ashley. “Do you know what happened here, Williams?”

“The geth are after the beacon. They’re attacking everyone in sight. Civilians, too. Bastards.” Williams punched the rock they were taking cover behind. Kaidan calmly requested she hold still. Here he was trying to patch her up and she was punching something that could break her hand. “Sorry, LT,” she shook her hand, and looked back to Shepard. “They took out my entire unit. Then impaled most of them on those spikes,” Williams motioned slightly ahead. “I’m sure that’s where I would have ended up if you hadn’t gotten here.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Williams...Are you able to show us the way to the beacon?” Shepard respectfully inquired but her tone also suggested that if Williams could, she needed to.

Ashley acknowledged and agreed to help with a simple nod; Evelyn and Kaidan followed her lead. The spike Ashley pointed out lowered as the three marines approached it. A husk of a human fell from it and started dashing toward them, groaning and screaming. Kaidan instinctively used his biotics to forcefully throw it far from them, rendering it lifeless on the ground. Evelyn was beyond impressed. Sure, she had read on Kaidan’s dossier that he was a biotic, but seeing him in action was something else. It was suddenly real, not just words on a data pad. Evelyn hadn’t worked with many biotics, and the ones she had didn’t measure up to Kaidan at all; his abilities intrigued her. _I've never seen a human biotic as powerful as him._

“What the fuck was that?” Ashley’s reaction, however, was to the husk, not Kaidan’s biotics.

“I’m guessing that spike did this to him,” Kaidan hypothesized. “You said that the geth put most of the people on these things?”

“Yeah…” Ashley’s voice trailed off.

“Then we can probably expect more.” Evelyn pointed out.

“At least we know they’re weak to biotics, now.” Kaidan noted that the husk didn't move after he threw it.

“We’re lucky to have you, Alenko,” Evelyn declared. If they hadn’t been standing over a dead former-human-zombie-thing, Kaidan might have blushed. But the husk wasn’t the only thing ruining the mood; the smell of the dead was growing more pungent as they traveled closer to the beacon’s location.

After talking with some civilians who managed to hide during the attack, the three came to the star port, where they finally caught up with their turian friend.

“Oh, no, Nihlus,” Shepard’s tone was hushed and mournful. She knelt down beside him, checking for a pulse, but there wasn’t one to be found. “Damn it, this day just keeps getting worse,” she muttered.

A sound came from behind some crates; Kaidan and Ashley quickly pulled their weapons towards it, and a man emerged with his hands in the air. “The other one shot him. It looked like they were friends. I thought you would want to know.” He plainly stated. Evelyn ordered Kaidan and Ashley to secure the perimeter while she got more details from the dock worker.

The three pushed ahead, dealing with more geth and husks as they went. Evelyn made note of William’s impressive combat abilities, and considered asking Anderson to keep her as part of their crew. Kaidan used his biotics to lift or throw husks, and Evelyn handled sabotaging and overloading the geth, with Williams aiming her assault rifle at anything that didn’t stop moving after Kaidan and Shepard’s attacks.

Finally, they reached the beacon. As Evelyn contacted the Normandy for pickup, Kaidan and Ashley drew closer to the Prothean artifact to check it out.

“This is amazing – real, working, Prothean technology.” Kaidan said.

“Yeah, I guess.” Ashley shook her head. “That thing caused all this trouble. I’m just not sure it was worth it. So many lives, lost…” She turned around and walked toward Shepard, “I just need a little time to process everything that has happened here.”

Kaidan nodded slightly, taking one step closer to the beacon. He would have reassured Ashley, but instead started to lose control over his body; the beacon was pulling him closer to it. He grunted as he struggled to hold his ground. He didn’t want to ruin the artifact or activate it prematurely. They needed to get it to the ship. The draw of the beacon started to give him a migraine, and just as he felt he was about to lose the battle with this mysterious force, he was shoved out of the way, catching a glimpse of dark red hair from the woman who aided him.

Desperately, Kaidan looked up to see Evelyn in his place, now held prisoner by the beam. She was frozen, her body stiff, suspended in the air, her gunmetal eyes wide, and her face contorted with pain.

_This is all my fault!_ Kaidan thought. He started to move towards her, but Ashley restrained him. “Don’t touch her! It’s too dangerous!” the brunette exclaimed. Kaidan knew she was right, and relaxed, his body language telling Ashley he wouldn’t try anything. He watched Shepard, pained, wishing he hadn’t taken that step toward the damn beacon. _Whatever happens to Evelyn is my fault. How could I be so stupid?_

With a flash, the beacon exploded, releasing its hold on Shepard and sending her flying. She landed a few meters away and laid on the ground, lifeless. Kaidan rushed to her, followed closely by Ashley. Evelyn’s eyes were closed, her brows slightly furrowed, her lips just barely parted. Kaidan quickly checked for a pulse.

“She alive.” _Thank God._ He couldn’t have lived with himself if she had died because of his curiosity.

Just then, the Normandy landed. Kaidan very carefully picked Shepard up, and gently carried her up the ramp into their ship. He prayed she would wake up, and that she would be alright when she did. He knew he would have a lot of answering to do to Captain Anderson, and hoped his superior officer would be understanding.


	7. Visions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of Eden Prime, Kaidan ends up keeping an eye on the unconscious Shepard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks rexadozonelayer for the kudos and bioticsandheadshots for the reviews! I super appreciate y'all!  
> BTW, I really enjoyed writing this chapter. It turned out a bit longer than I thought it would!  
> Some dialogue (towards middle and end) was taken directly from Mass Effect 1 (hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it).  
> PS: Bioware owns all things Mass Effect.

Anderson was waiting for Shepard and the rest of the ground team in the cargo bay when the Normandy landed. The captain’s face already displayed concern, and when he realized Kaidan was carrying the unconscious XO, Anderson's visage changed to one of worry.

“What happened here, Alenko?” the captain asked, motioning to other crew members to retrieve the beacon.

“The beacon is destroyed. Commander Shepard ended up caught in its security field or something, and then it exploded. I’m taking her to Dr. Chakwas right away, sir.”

Anderson frowned. “And Nihlus? Any word from him?” Kaidan looked to the ground, swallowed his pride and answered his captain, “We found his body, sir. Shot in the back of the head. Shepard got more details from a witness.” This was not the news Anderson was hoping for. He nodded to Kaidan, who proceeded to the elevator. “Who’s our guest?” Anderson asked gesturing towards the brunette marine who followed Kaidan up the ramp.

Ashley didn’t wait for an introduction. “Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, Eden Prime 212, sir,” she saluted. Kaidan was thankful she was comfortable on her own, and as soon as Ashley had started to respond to Anderson, Kaidan headed to the elevator to take Shepard to the med bay.

“Where’s the rest of your unit, marine?” Anderson asked Williams.

She looked down, blinked back tears, forced her eyes to meet the captain’s, and admitted, both to him and herself, “I’m all that’s left, sir.”

The volume of the conversation faded as the elevator doors closed and Kaidan traveled up to the next deck. Numerous members of the crew looked at him, or rather the woman he was carrying, with concern as he made the short trip from the elevator to the med bay.

As Kaidan gently laid Shepard down on the bed, Dr. Chakwas rushed to her side. Kaidan stood back, out of the doctor's way, and she checked Evelyn’s vitals. The lieutenant waited patiently, hoping for good news to deliver to his captain. Though if Kaidan was honest with himself, he was truly there because he wanted to see that Shepard would be alright. Kaidan realized the feelings he was having weren’t just professional concern, or guilt because it was his fault, but instead he was thinking of all the things he hadn’t done, hadn’t said to her all these years and how much he would regret it if she didn’t wake up.

_Maybe this_ _ **is**_ _more than just a crush,_ he thought.

“She’s stable, Lieutenant,” Dr. Chakwas interrupted the conversation in his mind. “She should be alright, she just needs some rest.”

A wave of relief washed over Kaidan. It left some residual worry behind, though, because she had not yet awakened. “Thank you, doctor. I’ll go let Captain Anderson know.” He started to turn and leave, but the doctor had one more question for him.

“And Jenkins, Lieutenant?”

More disappointment clouded over Kaidan. “He didn’t make it. I’ll send you the nav point to where he went down, in case if you’re able to accompany the men going to retrieve his body.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Kaidan,” she frowned, “he was so eager and full of life…I suppose it’s been a rough day and an unconventional shakedown cruise.”

“Indeed, doctor, it has.”

* * *

After Kaidan had spoken in more detail with Anderson, he was ordered to get some rest. Kaidan was almost thankful that a migraine had started up; the medicine for it helped him to sleep. He was sure he wouldn’t have gotten much without the medication’s assistance, because was too worried about Evelyn. When Kaidan woke up, he went back down to the med bay to check on Shepard. It had been a very long day for the doctor, and Kaidan noticed her yawning, trying to stay awake to monitor her patient.

“Everything alright, Doctor?” Kaidan’s inquiry startled Dr. Chakwas; she was so exhausted that she hadn’t heard Kaidan come in.

“Hmm? Oh, yes. The commander is still stable. She hasn’t woken up yet, though,” the last word was hard to understand, as it had been said through yet another yawn. “Would you mind keeping an eye her for me?”

Kaidan fought to keep a smile from creeping across his face. “Not a problem, ma’am.”

“Thank you,” Dr. Chakwas said, rising from her chair. “If the monitors start beeping, please wake me if I don’t hear them. I’ll just be in this back room.”

“Of course, Doctor.”

Once Dr. Chakwas had disappeared into the back room of the med bay, Kaidan sat down in the now empty chair and rolled closer to Shepard’s bedside. Evelyn’s face seemed peaceful now compared to how she had been just after the beacon exploded, but her complexion was still paler than the fair tone it naturally was. Kaidan studied her beautiful face, taking time to memorize details he hadn’t had a chance to properly observe since they arrived on board. It had been a decade since their time in Vancouver, and some of the finer details of Evelyn’s appearance had been lost from his memory in the time that passed. That, and, some things had changed, considering Shepard was still technically a teenager then, but now was approaching 30 years old. She a widow's peak, there was a small scar near her right temple, and the tiniest of crow’s feet started to peek out from the corners of her eyes. Kaidan found two or three freckles; she had so few that he didn’t even realize until now that she had any at all. Her nose was ski-sloped, and cute as a button. She had high, defined cheekbones that many women would be jealous of. Her lips were just the slightest bit plump, a beautiful, healthy shade of pink, and she had a Cupid's bow. Kaidan was incredibly attracted to Evelyn, especially as he stared at her lips, and wanted to kiss her so badly. He quickly moved his eyes away from her mouth, fearing he would have difficulty controlling himself if he continued to study that feature. He noted her chin was charmingly pointy, how adorable her tiny ears were, and the gorgeous long length of her eye-lashes. The jet-black mascara she always wore had worn off and revealed that they were naturally a lighter shade of brown. 

Out of the corner of his amber eyes, Kaidan saw Shepard’s fingers twitch, but no change occurred on the monitor. Her eyebrows began to furrow again, and her lids fluttered while still staying closed. She looked terrified and instinctively Kaidan took her hand in his. It was cold against his warm skin. Almost immediately, her face and body relaxed. Kaidan worried that the nightmare or whatever she had been experiencing would come back if he let go of her hand, so he kept her surprisingly delicate hand in his strong one, squeezing ever so slightly in a comforting manner. He looked out the window to make sure no one could see or was headed their way, and almost missed the smile that had come across her face from his touch. His heart began to flutter and beat strongly inside of his chest. _Does she know it’s me holding her hand? Or is she thinking of someone else?_ He couldn’t take his eyes off her smile. _It doesn’t matter. She’s at peace. She’s responding to something real, not just in her dream. She’s going to be ok. You can figure the rest of this out later._

“Eh hem,” a familiar male voice rang in the room. _Shit,_ Kaidan thought as he quickly released Shepard’s hand. He had been so distracted by her smile and his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed anyone come in.

“Relax, buddy, it’s just me,” Kaidan turned around to see Joker at the door of the med bay. He felt slightly relieved; even in the short time Kaidan had known Joker, the two had already become friends. “I had a feeling you knew the commander from the second you came on board.”

Kaidan scoffed, “yeah, well, sort of.”

“Sort of? What the hell does that mean?” Joker asked, with one eyebrow raised.

“We, uh, sort of went on a date…10 years ago,” Kaidan admitted, his hands mingling with each other nervously.

“What’s up with you and ‘sort of?” Joker teased. “Really, dude, 10 years ago? Just one date?”

“Yeah…” Kaidan’s voice trailed off. He didn’t really know what else to say.

“Well, don’t worry about it, Kaidan. I won’t tell anyone, including the commander.” Joker gave him a reassuring pat on the back.

“Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.”

“But 10 years, dude? And you’re _still_ crushing on her?”

“Shut up, Joker.” Kaidan laughed. _Though it is kind of silly if you think about it._

“Whatever, man, no judgement here. Just uh,” Joker paused looked around, and lowered his voice, “be a little more careful about it.”

Kaidan smirked, “yeah, I think I just learned my lesson on that one.”

“So, is she still into you?” Joker pried.

Kaidan didn’t have a response ready. He hadn’t really thought about whether or not she was also hiding feelings for him. Joker laughed, “You don’t even _know?_ Come on, man!”

“It’s not like anything can come of it anyways,” Kaidan sighed. It felt wrong to be having this conversation in front of Evelyn as she lay unconscious. _God, I hope she’s not actually hearing this. How embarrassing would that be?_

“Not when you’re on duty, anyway,” Joker winked.

Kaidan’s mind couldn’t leave his last thought. “Can we not have this conversation right now? Right _here?”_ he said, gesturing to Evelyn. “Not to mention the doctor is sleeping behind that door,” he whispered.

“Oh, shit, right.” Joker smirked, “how hilarious would it be if the commander heard all of that?”

“Not funny, Joker,” Kaidan said flatly.

Joker put his hands up in front of his own chest, “alright, alright. I’ll stop. I should probably head back to the cockpit, anyways. I had just grabbed a bite to eat and wanted to stop by and see how she was holding up.”

Kaidan realized Joker’s inquiry was genuine, and gave him the update. “Hopefully she’ll wake up soon,” he concluded.

“Yeah, the captain has been pacing around the CIC waiting for the word that she’s up and ready to talk. Speaking of which, I gotta get back up there myself.” Joker nodded his head, turned around slowly, and walked with a limp back towards the stairs. Kaidan realized this was the first time he saw his new friend out of his chair; the severity of Joker’s condition hadn’t occurred to him until now.

Kaidan turned his attention back to Evelyn. He was glad to see that she was still resting peacefully, and that there hadn’t been any negative changes on the monitors during Joker’s distraction. While his eyes were checking the screens for changes, Kaidan heard a slight, whimper-like, sound come from Evelyn. She rolled her head back and forth on the pillow gently, and her silver eyes fluttered open, reflecting the bluish hue of the lights in the infirmary. “Doctor? Doctor Chakwas! I think she’s waking up!” Kaidan exclaimed, rolling the chair a safe distance away from the bed. Evelyn placed her hand on her head in a way Kaidan was all too familiar with; it was the same way he held his head when he was feeling a migraine coming on.

Dr. Chakwas rushed out of the back room, checked the monitors and her patient, and sighed in relief as Shepard sat up, “You gave us quite the scare, Commander. How are you feeling?”

“Minor throbbing…How long was I out?” Shepard hazily asked.

“About 15 hours. Lieutenant Alenko carried you up here himself.” The doctor explained.

Evelyn turned to Kaidan and smiled. “Thanks,” she simply said.

“It’s not a problem, ma’am,” Kaidan nodded. He swallowed before continuing, “The beacon exploded and the blast knocked you cold. I’m sorry about what happened. If I hadn’t stepped closer it, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”

Evelyn didn’t hesitate in her response, “its ok, Lieutenant, you had no idea that would happen. Don’t blame yourself.” Kaidan smiled widely, pleased that she had so kindly accepted his apology.

While Kaidan apologized, Doctor Chakwas had paged Anderson, who showed up nearly instantaneously.

“How’s our XO holding up, doctor?” He quickly inquired.

Dr. Chakwas addressed them both as she responded. “Physically, the commander is fine, though I detected some unusual brain activity. Abnormal beta waves. Possibly because of the beacon, though we’ll never know for sure. Also, her rapid eye movement increased, a sign of intense dreaming.”

“I…” Shepard started to respond, but she stopped and thought of exactly how she wanted to word her response. She didn’t want to sound crazy. “I believe what I saw was triggered by the beacon. It felt as though the horrific images were being burned into my mind before I was knocked out. The vision repeated itself as I slept, like a nightmare that kept occurring over and over again.” Evelyn rubbed her head as she spoke.

“What was this vision you had, exactly?” Anderson asked, concerned.

“It was unclear. But I’m pretty sure what I saw was…death. Destruction. The details are blurry.”

Evelyn’s description made Kaidan feel even worse than before. _Traumatizing visions were burned into her mind and haunting her while she slept, and it’s my fault. How long will they haunt her?_

“I need to speak to the commander, privately.” Anderson’s words insinuated that Kaidan and Dr. Chakwas needed to leave the room.

“Aye, aye, sir.” Kaidan saluted. “I’ll be in the mess if you need me.” Dr. Chakwas silently nodded and followed Kaidan out of the med bay, leaving Anderson and Shepard to talk.

Anderson gave Shepard a concerned look, sighed and asked, “Shepard, how are you _really?”_

Shepard had known Anderson since her N7 training days, and knew lying to him was pointless. He would get the answers he wanted from her regardless. He had told her years ago that the way she “compartmentalized and catalogued” her feelings was ok in certain instances, but if it could impact the mission or crew, she needed to speak up about it.

She looked her commanding officer directly in the eye. “Honestly, sir, I’m very disappointed on how the mission went.” Her slate grey orbs shifted to look slightly past Anderson, which the captain recognized as her tell for when she was analyzing things as she spoke out loud. “It started off all wrong. Going down there blind. Nothing showed on the HUD, but I still shouldn’t have sent the rookie on point. I own Jenkins’ death; it was a bad call on my part.” Anderson started to disagree with her, but she cut him off, holding up a single finger, “Please, sir, allow me to finish.” She paused slightly, finding her place back in thoughts, before continuing. “If it had not been for Williams’ guidance, the beacon and the colony would likely have been lost. We were lucky to have found her; she was a true asset to the team down there and helped shed much needed light on the situation.  I recommend her staying as part of our crew." Without pause, she continued. "The enemies down there were geth, sir. They were placing humans on spikes. Turned them into monsters, husks of their former selves. Alenko’s biotic abilities proved to be powerful against the husks…” she continued describing, in great detail, what they saw and how the battle went down there. Anderson was used to her very detailed oral reports and listened intently. “The dockworker saw another turian, who appeared to be a fellow Spectre and friend of Nihlus’, shoot him dead in cold blood. The worker said Nihlus called the other turian Saren.”

“Saren?!” Anderson exclaimed. “That son of a bitch.” He pounded one fist into the other. His reaction caught Evelyn off-guard. “So Alenko did hear correctly. He told me this earlier, but seeing as his priority at the time was securing the area, I had to hear it from you, too.” Anderson looked down, placed his hand over his face, and shook his head. “Honestly, I was hoping he heard incorrectly. This is bad, Shepard. Real bad. Saren is one of the council’s top agents. He’s trouble: powerful, and doesn’t like humans.” Anderson stopped for a moment, sighed, and continued. “We’re headed to the Citadel. I need you to be ready to share your testimony to the council. Have Alenko and Williams go with you.”

“Of course, sir.” Evelyn said, placing her feet on the floor and standing up next to the bed. Anderson started to head out the door. “And Shepard,” he paused and turned around just before exiting the room. “Don’t blame yourself for Jenkin’s death. Like you said, you had no idea what would be down there, no clue the hostiles wouldn’t show up on your HUD, which showed you were clear to proceed. I know how you can beat yourself up about such things after missions, and I’m ordering you to let it go.”

Evelyn knew disagreeing was pointless, and that Anderson was right. “Yes, sir. I won’t dwell on it; I’ll learn from it.”

“Atta girl.” Anderson smiled slightly as he nodded and left Shepard alone in the med bay. She stretched, her body aching from the battle and being in bed for so long. She started towards the door, when Pressly came in, nearly running into her. “You alright, Commander?” he inquired sincerely.

“I’ll be fine, Uncle Charlie.” She winked, though it could have been perceived as a wince . “No need to worry about me.” Her conversation with Anderson had put her in a considerably better mood, and Pressly checking on her made her feel even better.

“I figured, but your mother wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t check on you,” he said, sounding very serious. Too serious, even. Evelyn’s jaw dropped, “Pressly, you didn’t…”

“Of course not!” He interrupted, laughing. “Gotcha!” the two shared a chuckle in the med bay before heading out. Evelyn should have known he was pulling her leg; Pressly and her father always used to do this when she was a kid. Plus, she kind of deserved it after calling him “Uncle Charlie” while on duty.

* * *

Kaidan decided to wait in the mess just outside the door to the med bay for Shepard to come out. First he saw Anderson exit, busy and concerned, then Pressly rush in, also worried, and now Evelyn and Pressly laughing as they exited the infirmary. The change was a bit jarring. Pressly noticed Kaidan watching as the door closed behind them and immediately stopped laughing, assuming his usual, serious appearance. Pressly walked right passed Kaidan without acknowledging his presence, as if embarrassed the lieutenant saw him in such a casual mood. Evelyn walked over to Kaidan, the smile from her laughter lingering on her face.

“Commander, I’m glad to see you’re ok." Kaidan spoke as she approached him. "Losing Jenkins was hard enough on the crew, and I’m just glad we didn’t lose you, too.” Kaidan wore his heart on his sleeve, with the mentioning of Jenkins making his concern sound more business-like than personal.

“Things were pretty rough down there. How are you holding up?” Shepard's response was as genuine as his statement had been.

Kaidan sighed and shook his head. “You never get used to seeing dead civilians. Doesn’t seem right, somehow. But at least you stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you, LT.” she beamed at him.

“We’re marines, we stick together.” He smiled back. _Is she flirting with me?_ Kaidan wondered. He felt uncomfortable at the thought of that happening while they were on duty, in such plain sight of others, and decided to change the subject, just to be sure. “I’m just sorry we lost Jenkins.”

Kaidan wished he could take those words back as soon as he said them. He remembered Shepard’s response to Jenkin’s death on the battlefield, and worried that bringing their fallen comrade up would make Evelyn feel bad.

“Yeah…I wish I could have done something to save him…” her voice trailed off.

_She went through hell earlier today and you’re standing here reminding her of her mistakes. Great job, Alenko,_  he chastised himself. “I was there. You did everything right. It was just bad luck.” Kaidan reassured Shepard, both for her benefit and to forgive himself for mentioning this.

“Thank you, Lieutenant.” Evelyn smiled. She could tell Kaidan wasn’t meaning to upset her by bringing up Jenkins, and had already put it behind her, anyways.

“It’s been a hell of a shakedown cruise,” Kaidan continued. “Our mission ends with one Spectre killing another. The Citadel Council’s not gonna be happy about that. They’ll probably use it to level more concessions out of the Alliance.”

“Seems like you’ve got a good grasp of the situation, career man.” She nodded knowingly. She had met him a decade ago, after all, when he had just finished basic.

“Yeah. You know a lot of biotics are. We’re not restricted, but we don’t go undocumented. May as well get a paycheck for it." Kaidan paused, smiling. "Besides, my father served, remember?”

“Of course I do.” The two grinned, recalling their first conversation together in Vancouver. “As did mine. Though, I think I ended up getting a bit more noteworthy than the folks expected.”

“The Blitz,” Kaidan said, his face changing. Shepard couldn’t quite tell his expression. It seemed regretful, but it didn’t make sense to her why. “I saw the news report that day. I thought about sending you a message…” he admitted. She blinked at him. She didn’t know how to respond, so she didn’t. He sighed uncomfortably and continued. “I even wrote a draft. I just, I don’t know. It had been so long and, honestly, I didn’t think you would remember me. Evidently, I was wrong.” He looked down, embarrassed.

“It’s ok, Kaidan,” Evelyn said. “Don’t worry about it.” She gave him a pat on the shoulder. She surprised herself by acting to casual with him, especially considering they were on duty. She immediately straightened her posture and stepped back. Kaidan noticed the change in her demeanor, and changed his as well, along with the conversation. “Word is we’re heading to the Citadel, ma’am. Can you tell me why?”

“The captain hopes the ambassador can get us an audience with the Council. Tell them what Saren’s been up to.” She answered plainly. _Professionally,_ they both thought.

“Makes sense. They’d probably like to know he’s not working for them anymore. Whatever happens, we’ll be ready, Commander.”

“Good,” Evelyn nodded. “Because you’re coming with. Get your gear and meet me up on the bridge. Tell Williams to do so as well,” she ordered.

“Aye, aye, Ma’am.” He saluted, and the two went their separate ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooooh, looks like someone (or both) are starting to struggle with their feelings! I wonder how much longer until Miss Independent finally caves. Reviews and kudos are always welcomed and appreciated!


	8. Citadel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Ashley's first visit to the Citadel - but obviously not Shepard's. Condensed version with Shenko highlights of ME's first Citadel mission, with a lunch break stuck in the middle. :)

 

Ashley and Kaidan looked excited as children on Christmas morning as they stood in the cockpit while Joker approached the Citadel.

“Look at the size of that ship!” Ashley exclaimed, pointing at the Destiny Ascension.

“The Ascension. Flagship of the Citadel Fleet,” Kaidan announced, leaning closely to the window.

“Well, size isn’t everything,” Joker quipped.

“Why so touchy, Joker?” Ashley leered.

“Just saying, you need firepower, too.”

Shepard shook her head. She wasn’t sure which they were joking about in comparison to the Ascension: the Normandy, or Joker’s manhood. Shepard figured she really didn’t need the answer to that question, and laughed to herself, wondering if she was the only one in the room that came to that conclusion.

“Look at that monster!” Ashley rebutted, gesturing out the window. “It’s main gun could rip through the barriers on any ship in the Alliance fleet.”

“Good thing it’s on our side, then,” Kaidan noted. He looked over at Shepard, the only person in the cockpit who hadn’t made a comment during their approach. He noticed the corners of her pink lips were turned up ever so slightly, but that her silver eyes didn’t match the rest of her expression; they seemed melancholy. “Ever been to the Citadel before, ma’am?” Kaidan inquired.

“It’s been a long time,” she said softly, gazing out the window. The color of eyes appeared lilac from shades of the nebula. Kaidan noticed that they had become glossy, watering just a little. He longed to know more about her, of why she seemed so crestfallen upon arriving to such a magnificent place.

The conversation in the cockpit ended abruptly as Joker requested permission to land from Citadel control. Seconds later, Captain Anderson appeared on the bridge. “Everyone ready to head ashore?”

“Aye, aye, Captain!” The three said simultaneously, saluting their commanding officer.

David Anderson led them out through the airlock once the ship was secured and had finished moving. Kaidan and Ashley had to make a serious effort not to gawk at the amazing surroundings of the Citadel, whereas Anderson and Shepard were not the least bit distracted by the scenery on the station, but instead focused strictly on the task at hand. Kaidan and Ashley walked behind Shepard and Anderson, who were recapping what they would each be telling Ambassador Donnell Udina and the council. When they finally reached Udina’s office, the ambassador was just getting off a video call with the council, and was clearly frustrated. Donnell then took his anger out on Captain Anderson and Shepard, which rather bothered Kaidan. Although part of him wanted to speak up, he shook it off, knowing that politicians could be under a lot of stress,  it wouldn’t do any good for him to complain, and it could reflect poorly on his commanding officers. Ashley, on the other hand, grumbled about hating politicians as soon as Udina and Anderson left.

Shepard chose not to acknowledge Ashley’s comment. “Let’s start heading towards the Citadel Tower,” she said plainly. “Follow me.” Evelyn took point and Kaidan, being the gentleman that he was, motioned to let Ashley go ahead of him. Shepard led her squad mates at a slightly more leisurely pace than Anderson had earlier, allowing them to stop and take in some of the views of the presidium on their way. Ashley pointed out numerous features, such as the statues, greenery, and water, but Shepard walked in silence, not acknowledging Williams at all. _That’s so odd,_ Kaidan thought. _She’s usually so warm and kind. I wonder what’s going on with her._ Kaidan, not wanting Ashley to feel out of place, responded to her observations in Shepard’s verbal absence. He had a feeling Shepard didn’t like being on the Citadel, though he didn’t really know why. _Maybe I’m mistaken,_ he thought. _Maybe she’s just tired. Or maybe she’s been here enough that it doesn’t faze her anymore._

When they finally reached the tower, there were two turians arguing just outside the elevator. “Stall them!” One of them ordered.

“Stall the council? I don’t think so, officer. Your investigation is over.” The other replied, clearly putting the first turian in his place for using an improper tone with his superior.

“But, sir, I’m so close to finding something,” the other continued.

“You’re out of time.” The turian in charge said regretfully. “I’m sorry, Garrus.” He turned and left the other turian, who must have been named Garrus, behind.

“Damn it!” Garrus muttered. He noticed the three humans staring at him. “Can I help you?” he asked, his tone forcibly friendly.

“We’re here to see the council,” Shepard stated amicably.

“Just follow the stairs up.” He paused slightly, and spoke up again before Shepard and her crew could advance. “You here for Saren’s trial?” He asked, his mandible flapping. Shepard nodded in acknowledgement. “Well, good luck. The executor just cut my investigation short. I was so close to having something against him… I’m sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize,” Shepard understandingly replied. “They obviously didn’t give you much time, and finding dirt on Spectres has got to be harder than investigating a typical citizen.”

The turian blinked, amazed at the human’s insight and patience. “That’s right.”

“We better be on our way,” Kaidan noted. He hated to interrupt, but knew that if they stayed and talked with this c-sec officer for much longer, they could miss the trial. “We don’t want to be late.”

“Of course,” Shepard said, nodding to the turian. “Good day,” she smiled kindly, almost apologetically, at him. Kaidan followed suit, and acknowledged the turian amicably as they walked by, but noticed that Ashley wouldn’t even make eye contact with him. He got the feeling she wasn’t fond of aliens, or at least, turians. He made a mental note to ask her about that later.

* * *

“Well, that was helpful,” Ashley’s sarcastic tone penetrated the council chambers, seconds after the three councilors had left.

Udina turned to Anderson, crossed his arms over his chest, and glared. “Bringing you here was a mistake, Anderson. Your history with Saren is complicating things.”

 _History with Saren?_ Evelyn contemplated the implications of Udina's statement..

“There must be something we can do.” Kaidan’s velvety voice changed up the harsh tone of the conversation. While the others were thinking aloud of what to do next, Shepard just listened, taking in all their ideas, formulating a plan. It was something she had always been good at; gathering and analyzing data. Once they were all finished venting and brainstorming, she spoke, matter-of-factly, her plan already fully ready to present.

“We’ll start with Barla Von. We’re already in the Presidium; it’s logical to start there before heading down to the wards.” She briefly paused before continuing. “If he doesn’t have information on Garrus, we’ll head to Chora’s Den and get it out of Harkin.” Anderson, Kaidan, and Ashley all nodded, acknowledging that Shepard’s plan made sense. Udina sighed heavily before responding.

“Just try not to get into any trouble when you’re in the wards, Shepard.” The ambassador chided, “I’ll be the one stuck cleaning up the mess if you do.”

 _Ugh,_ Shepard thought, itching to roll her eyes at the politician. She had always been an incredibly patient person, but it had gotten to the point where Udina was draining her reserves. She responded as diplomatically as she could muster, given her current discontent for the politician standing in front of her. “I don’t go looking for trouble, Ambassador. _It_ tends to find _me._ ” Evelyn forced a smile. “Trust me, I would rather not make a mess in the first place.” Ashley couldn’t help but laugh at Evelyn’s response, and Kaidan and Anderson both coughed in surprise. It had been the most strident thing any of them had ever heard her say. After these comments, it was Udina with the urge to roll his eyes, and he didn’t bother to control it. He did, however, sigh and thank Shepard for acknowledging that she didn’t intend to make his day worse. With that Udina asked Anderson to follow him to his office, leaving Kaidan, Ashley, and Shepard alone in the council chambers.

Things had barely gotten quiet when a loud growl echoed amongst them, its origin given away by the embarrassed look on the handsome biotic officer’s face. Shepard turned to her comrades and smiled. “We’ll grab some lunch once we get down to the wards. The presidium is an expensive place to eat.”

Kaidan’s face turned slightly red, growing more embarrassed now that he was sure she had heard the sound and that she chose to acknowledge it. “I guess you, uh, heard that, then,” he stuttered out. Shepard nodded, grinning warmly and understandingly, as if to say “it’s no big deal.” The redness dissipated from the lieutenant’s face and was replaced with a grateful smile.

* * *

Kaidan admired the way Shepard moved with such confidence. Her head held high, perfect posture, the slight, sexy sway in her hips. It took all he could muster to not stare at them as she walked ahead of him. Evelyn approached the information broker Barla Von with poised tenacity, but not even a hint of arrogance. When volus greeted her by name before she had the chance to introduce herself, it didn’t appear to surprise her. Kaidan was mesmerized by the way she spoke so diplomatically, and listened intently to learn from her.

Warm breath on his ear made his concentration slip. “Is it just me, or does this volus sound like the nerdy kid from junior high with too much head gear and allergies?” Ashley teased. Kaidan had been trying to focus on Shepard's hushed conversation, and wasn’t fond of Ashley’s xenophobic comments. All volus sounded that way because of their environmental suits and breathers. Kaidan simply held one finger over his lips, looking at her sideways, and she nodded. Ashley had to learn when it was and when it wasn’t ok to make sarcastic comments.

Once Shepard had completed her chat with the information broker, she turned to Kaidan and Ashley and quietly summarized her findings to them. “He gave us a promising new lead to some evidence through a krogan bounty hunter, but to find Garrus, we’ll still have to deal with Harkin.” Shepard walked past them as she spoke, motioning for the pair to follow her. She stopped once they were all out of the office, turned her head back to look deliberately at Kaidan, and smirked. “After lunch, that is.”

They took a cab down to the wards, getting out by some awful looking dive bar. _This can’t possibly be where we’re going for lunch,_ Kaidan thought. The sign on the front, which indicated the name of the place was “The Pit,” hung crooked and half the lights were burnt out. Dingy, thick emerald damask curtains covered the windows on either side of the entry, which was a faded wooden door. As Evelyn approached the door with certainty, Ashley and Kaidan’s jaws nearly dropped. This wasn’t the type of restaurant either of them pegged Shepard to pick for lunch. “It might not look like much, but they have the best American food on the Citadel. This place is seriously a diamond in the rough.” Evelyn asserted. She shifted her gaze to Kaidan, eyeing him. “Their specialty is a Philadelphia Cheesesteak Sandwich.”

Suddenly, Kaidan wasn’t the least bit apprehensive about her choice of lunch venues. “Oh, man! I am SO in!” Shepard and Ashley laughed at the abrupt shift in the lieutenant’s demeanor. Evelyn had chosen this place on purpose; not just because she liked it, but also because she thought she recalled that Kaidan loved steak sandwiches, something he had mentioned years ago in Vancouver. Shepard smiled widely, pleased she had remembered correctly and glad to make him happy. “Lunch is on me,” Evelyn insisted. “After Eden Prime, we all deserve a good meal.”

“Wow, Shepard, thanks,” Kaidan smiled at his CO, his amber eyes glowing and excited, making her blush just a little. “It’s nothing, really,” she stuttered out.

The three enjoyed light conversation over lunch. Well, rather, mostly Ashley and Shepard did. Kaidan barely spoke at all, as he was too busy devouring the largest size cheesesteak they had on the menu. His sandwich had easily been twice as large as the burgers Shepard and Ashley had ordered, and he only had a few bites of it left by the time the other two had finished about half of their meals. The girls stared at his nearly clean plate, then up at him, and giggled. Kaidan swallowed. “What?” he managed to blurt out between bites. “I just never thought you would be such a big eater, LT.” Williams teased in a slightly accusing manner.

Kaidan held up a finger while he chewed his last bite, indicating he wanted to respond, but not while delicious food was in his mouth.

“It’s a biotic thing,” Shepard answered for him, Kaidan nodding at them both to acknowledge Shepard was right on the money. “I’ve worked with a few, and they’ve all had impressive appetites,” she continued, giggling a little more.

When Kaidan was finished, he excused himself from the table, leaving Ashley and Shepard alone for a few minutes. “I never thought I would see the LT get so excited,” Ashley remarked. “He just seems like such a laid back, straight-laced, guy.” Shepard smiled and let out a simple “yeah” in agreement. Ashley waited a few seconds before continuing to share her observations. “You didn’t seemed surprised at all by his reaction, ma’am.”

Evelyn finished another bite before responding, taking that moment to formulate her response as she chewed. “You’re good at reading people, aren’t you, Williams?” She retorted, dodging addressing what Ashley may have been insinuating about her and Kaidan.

“Women, anyway. Sisters,” the last word offered as a simple answer to explain all.

“Ah. Only child,” Shepard responded, indicating that she couldn’t relate in that way.

“Sucks,” Ashley said between bites.

When Kaidan returned, Ashley teased him about being gone so long, only to make him nervously scratch the back of his neck. Shepard hated to see him embarrassed, and switched the business mentality back on. “Alright, let’s head out.”

* * *

As they waited for the elevator to arrive, Evelyn looked over at Kaidan. The tables were turned now from when the two had first met. A decade ago in Vancouver, it had been her first time to Earth and him who was used to the landscape. Now, it was just the opposite. She smiled at Kaidan and Ashley as they enjoyed the views of the Citadel, something with which she was quite familiar. The elevator arrived fairly quickly, but the ride was a bit long. They waited in silence, all of them in a bit of a food-coma from their large, indulgent lunch.

As they approached Chora’s Den, Kaidan sensed that something didn’t feel right. He put his hand on Shepard’s shoulder, stepping in front of her and silently drawing his gun. She took the cue from his instincts, and Ashley did the same. Kaidan inched ahead, and saw a red laser sight out of his peripheral vision – it was aimed past him and straight at Shepard. Not able to see the assassin itself, Kaidan threw a biotic lift in the direction of the red glow’s origin, flinging the sniper into the air. “It’s Shepard – get her!” the man flailing in the air called out. Two other assailants popped up with their assault rifles, and Shepard hurled a drone in their direction. Kaidan and Ashley simultaneously took out the sniper while he was suspended in the air, and then turned their attention to the other two men, who had been weakened by the drone and Shepard’s marksman skills. Once all three gunmen were down and they made sure the area was secure, Shepard holstered her weapon, Kaidan and Ashley doing so after her. “Good instincts, Lieutenant. Even better eye,” she said both thanking and complimenting him. “Thanks, Commander.” He grinned proudly.

As they walked into the club, Ashley was the first to address the scenery. “Classy,” she said facetiously. Shepard walked ahead of the two, completely ignoring the half-naked dancers all around them, but instead choosing to focus her attention on looking for Harkin and listening to her squad mates’ conversation behind her. “It’s amazing to me that here we are, light years away from Earth, and people here are still watching half naked women shaking their asses.” Kaidan laughed at Ashley’s assertion and commented that he wasn’t sure it if was sad or comforting. “Comforting?” Williams asked, shocked. “Well, uh, yeah, because it means humans aren’t the only ones into that sort of thing,” the lieutenant nervously responded. “Uh huh.” Shepard allowed herself a quick smirk and could sense the gunnery chief laughingly rolling her eyes at Kaidan.

Shepard walked up to the bar and asked the cute, redheaded human female bartender where Harkin was. She shifted her eyes to his table, not far behind them, in clear view, and nodded slightly, instantly shifting her eyes back to the crowd in front of her. “I don’t want him to think I’m flirting with him,” she whispered to Shepard, her tone matching her nervously twisting hands. Shepard tilted her head in acknowledgement to the attractive bartender and approached the obviously drunk middle-aged, balding man, dressed in c-sec uniform, though clearly not on duty.

“You looking for me, baby?” he cat-called Shepard. “You look pretty sexy in that soldier get-up, honey. How about you come sit on Harkin’s lap and have a drink?” he hiccupped. _What a bastard,_ Kaidan thought. He couldn’t stand the way the man was talking to Shepard. _Am I…jealous? Feeling protective? Don’t be ridiculous, Kaidan. She’s tough. She can handle this on her own._

Shepard stopped in front of Harkin, folded her arms and stared at him, her eyes dark, serious, and not the least bit amused. The suspended c-sec officer was too drunk to tell she wasn’t interested by her body language, and clumsily ran his hand over her upper-arm. Kaidan’s biotics lightly flared, but he kept them under wraps. He was impressed when Shepard’s body didn’t react at all to Harkin’s disgusting touch, and that her visage and tone were perfectly capable of rejecting him all on their own.

“I’m Commander Shepard, Harkin, not some call-girl. And this “get-up” is real armor.” She said, glaring at him with cold steel eyes.

Harkin sloppily dropped his hand and entire arm down, disappointed. His face changed from happy-sleazy-drunk to pissed-off in a nanosecond. “Why the fuck are you here, then? What the hell do you want?”

“Where’s Garrus?” She asked, no bullshit.

“Who says I know? And just why should I tell you, anyway, Alliance bitch?” Harkin's speech slurred as he dodged answering Shepard's question.

Shepard narrowed her eyes. “You do, and you’re going to.”

Harkin’s expression sobered up a bit as he realized who exactly Evelyn was. “Wait a second - Commander Shepard, you said?” he chuckled to himself, “Anderson’s little protégé. Here to catch the big bad turian Spectre, are you? Trying to become a Spectre yourself? If your mentor couldn’t do it, why should you?” He took another long swig of his drink. “How fitting that you’re after the guy who ruined it for him.” Harkin’s words were accusing, however his tone indicated that they were based on facts, not gossip. Shepard ignored what he was saying and simply repeated her question again. Harkin, in turn, disregarded her question, and instead bated her. “Aw, c’mon. Don’t you wanna hear about how your Captain fucked up being a Spectre himself?”

“If I want to know something about Captain Anderson, I’ll ask him myself,” she declared. “Now tell me where I can find Garrus. I’m not going to leave you alone until you do.” She confidently leaned in closer and lowered her voice. “And none of the waitresses want to come over here with us talking to you, so if you want another…”

“FINE.” Harkin sighed and banged his fists on the table, causing some of his drink to spill over. “Go over the med clinic one level up. He’s sticking his nose into someone’s business there.”

“Thanks,” Evelyn said, lifting Harkin’s unfinished drink off the table. “And sober up.” She said as she walked away, putting the glass on the bar and sliding it over to the tender. Kaidan heard Harkin cursing her, which further agitated him. He ignored the desire to punch Harkin’s lights out, as the last thing he needed was to get into a bar brawl with a drunk, suspended cop over something that was said to his commanding officer. That would be bad on so many levels.

* * *

On the way from Chora’s Den to the clinic was an astonishing viewing deck. Shepard leaned against the railing and motioned for Kaidan and Ashley to join her. The three looked out at the amazing landscape. The arms of the other wards stretched far out into the nebula, framing their view of the Citadel and its “sky.” Shades of blue, purple, and pink clouds hovered above and around the tall buildings of the arm they were currently on. Shepard had seen views like this before, but knew it would be a treat for Ashley and Kaidan. She smiled, content to take in the view in silence, which was soon ended up a low, husky voice.

“Big place,” Kaidan so eloquently stated.

“Is that your professional opinion, sir?” Ashley quipped.

“Actually, Williams, he’s right.” Evelyn rebutted, looking out at the city before them. She smiled, shook her head slightly, and thought out loud, “I’ve been here countless times and haven’t even come close to seeing it all.”

Kaidan already knew that Evelyn had been to the Citadel before, but hearing her describe it as “countless times,” amazed and intrigued him. He wanted to know more, but they were on duty, so he decided to keep his curiosity to himself. _She’ll tell you more when the time is right,_ he thought. A long silence indicated that she wasn’t going to elaborate, so Kaidan moved the conversation into a different direction. “There must be millions here. It can’t be possible to keep track of everyone coming and going.”

“This place makes Jump Zero look like a port-a-john, and it’s the largest deep space station the Alliance has.” Ashley observed.

“Jump Zero is big, but this is a whole ‘nother scale.” Kaidan noted, and stretched out his toned arm. “Look at the ward arms! How do they keep all that mass from flying apart?”

Knowing none of them could possibly answer that question, Shepard moved the conversation back to the subject Kaidan had originally brought up. “The council represents so many different races. It’s no wonder they’re careful with newcomers.”

“They probably just want to keep everything running. It has to be hard keeping all the cultures working together,” Kaidan added.

“Or maybe they just don’t like humans,” Ashley uttered, glaring slightly.

“What’s not to like?” Shepard responded amicably. “We’ve got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love. According to the old vids, we have everything they want.” She plainly stated, as if citing evidence, her gorgeous silver eyes gazing out at the view, speckled with lavender from the clouds. 

“When you put it that way, there’s no reason they wouldn’t like you,” Kaidan replied, quickly tripping over his tongue. “I mean, us. Humans, ma’am.” He scratched the back of his neck and looked away -Evelyn had figured out by now  that this mannerism was a tell for when he felt embarrassed. Before she could respond, Ashley eyed at him, raising one eyebrow. “You don’t take much shore leave, do you, LT?”

This time Evelyn felt relieved that Ashley had made fun of Kaidan’s foot-in-mouth moment;  it made it easier for her to respond, and kept her from blushing while she thought of what to say. “All right, laugh it up, Chief,” she said, patting Ashley’s shoulder. Shepard then turned her gaze to Kaidan, her eyes violet light from the Citadel. She made a conscious effort to not smile when responding to him. “I appreciate the thought, Alenko, but we’re on duty here.” Against her own will, her eyes scaled the length of his body, admiring his toned, muscular form for half a second. She hardly noticed she did it herself, Ashley completely missed it, but Kaidan recognized the look Evelyn gave him, along with her body language and favorable, approving tone. He swallowed his embarrassment, realizing that she actually had liked what he said, but that it wasn’t the right time to say it. Staying in tune with her reaction, he chose to acknowledge her vocal response. “Um, aye aye, ma’am.”

Ashley declared that she would walk drag, implying that she would keep an eye on Kaidan. He thought it was unnecessary, but also realized that it meant he had to be extra careful not to check out his commander as they continued on. He kept his head high, smiled, and focused on the mission. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: some dialogue was taken directly from Mass Effect, which is owned by Bioware.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Next up, a smidgen of angst and some fluff. Kudos, reviews, and feedback are always welcome and appreciated – it doesn't have to be anything elaborate!


	9. Haunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evelyn Shepard is haunted by the visions from the Prothean Beacon during her first night as the Normandy's commanding officer - and someone comes to help her calm down.

Evelyn recounted the events of the rest of the day on the Citadel, which had gone by so quickly. After leaving Chora’s Den, they found Garrus where Harkin said he would be, in the med-clinic, along with a bunch of thugs. Once they had taken care of that, they recruited the krogan bounty hunter Barla Von had pointed them to, Wrex. Shepard, along with Kaidan, Ashley, Garrus, and Wrex, returned to Chora’s Den and shook down the owner, Fist, who told them about a quarian who had evidence against Saren, but that she was in trouble. Wrex killed him after they were done talking with him, which bothered Shepard, but she understood why he did it. He had a contract to fulfill, after all, and she couldn’t blame Wrex for keeping his word to the Shadow Broker. They saved the quarian, Tali, recruiting her as well, and obtained her damning evidence on Saren. Finally, the meeting with the council happened, which resulted in...

_Holy shit. I’m the first human spectre._

The weight of the pinnacle moment of the day finally fell on Shepard as she finished moving her things into Anderson’s cabin and sat on the foot of the bed.

_No, not Anderson’s quarters._ _**My** _ _quarters._

She felt guilty that command of this amazing vessel had been ripped from Anderson’s hands and forced into hers, but she understood the reasons why and vowed to do her best for him.

As soon as Evelyn and her crew came back aboard the Normandy, Shepard called a meeting with her squad to go over their next mission’s plan. Anderson and Udina had given them three leads to pursue, one of which would lead them to a new specialist who could be helpful in the interpreting of Prothean data – an asari named Dr. Liara T’Soni. She also happened to be the daughter of Matriarch Benezia, who was clearly connected to Saren in some way. Shepard figured that regardless of if T’Soni was on the same side as her mother or not she needed to be picked up. Evelyn also had a somewhat selfish secondary reason for wanting to acquire the asari first – she needed to understand what exactly those visions that had been burned into her mind meant, and a prothean expert’s advice would be the best possible way to figure it out. Shepard concluded the meeting by informing her crew of who she had decided to promote to XO. It had been an obvious choice for Evelyn – she needed someone with experience who she could trust inherently – and Charles Pressly fit the bill. He seemed leery of the aliens on board, and Evelyn appreciated that he trusted her enough to not challenge her, but she also knew he wouldn’t hesitate to come to her if something was off.

Evelyn finished unpacking her things: she stashed her favorite bottle of whisky and N7 etched glass in the small cabinet at the bottom of her desk, set up her music applications, loaded her playlists on to her new computer, and gingerly placed her physical her copy of her current read, _Pride and Prejudice_ next to her pillow. It was a large, thick, old book. Evelyn preferred the feel and smell of real pages when she read classic literature. She wanted to experience books how they would have been when they were first published. She headed to the bathroom to brush and floss her teeth, and immediately returned to her cabin - no one was around to stop her.  She completed her bedtime ritual by stripping off her BDUs, and folded them carefully. They had barely been worn that day and certainly could be used again before washing. Finally, Evelyn crawled into bed. She had planned to read a bit before going to sleep, but was exhausted and fell asleep mere seconds after her head hit the pillow.

* * *

Kaidan sleepily wandered into dark, empty mess hall. The lights were off because the majority of the crew was asleep, getting some important rest before their next mission. Kaidan, however, had a migraine and could not sleep. He needed a glass of water to take his medication, and tried to be as quiet as he possibly could while walking through the mess to get a glass. He reached his hand up to open the cabinet, and heard a loud, horrified, scream come from Shepard’s cabin. He shook his head, told himself he must be imagining things, and proceeded to get a glass of water and take his medication. As he swallowed, he heard another, louder, more intense cry. Instinctively, he ran to Shepard’s cabin’s door. Kaidan paused before entering, and could her hyperventilating even with the steel door shut tight. He cautiously knocked softly once, and when there was no response he rapped at the door again with more force, at which point the door slid open. Silence greeted him.

The cabin was nearly pitch black, with only the low glare from her computer’s dark monitor illuminating the room. Kaidan carefully entered Shepard's quarters, and the door closed automatically behind him. He looked over to the bed, and saw Evelyn sitting up in bed, her long legs over the side, wearing only a black camisole and boy shorts. She was breathing heavily, and what little light in the room reflected off her skin, revealing that it was drenched in sweat. Her head was buried down into her hands, her fingers intertwined in her damp, matted down, crimson hair, pulling it slightly.

“Shepard,” Kaidan whispered. She didn’t respond to his voice. He took a few steps closer, and could see her shaking, tears rolling silently down her cheeks. She inhaled sharply, and started to sob, barely making a sound. He moved, swiftly and softly, and sat beside her on the bed. He wanted so badly to hold her and make the pain go away, but reluctantly kept his arms at his sides, his fingers curled around the edge of the bed.

Without looking at Kaidan, Evelyn squeaked out, “why can’t I get these visions out of my head?” She sniffed, and spoke more loudly, though still looking down. “I can _always_ put my feelings into a box, but why not _THIS?”_ Her gaze turned to Kaidan with the last word. “Why?” She asked, demanding an answer that she knew he could not give her. Her steel eyes were dark, wide, red from crying, and full of tears. Kaidan stared into her troubled orbs, wishing he knew what to say. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed her hands move to her thighs, fingers buckle, and nails dig sharply into her skin. Reflexively, Kaidan grabbed her hands and put them into his. He couldn’t bear to watch her physically cause herself pain.

Evelyn relaxed slightly, allowing his warm, strong hands to hold her delicate, clammy ones. A feeling of familiarity came over her, and she spoke as though thinking aloud. “You…you were with me in the infirmary when I was unconscious. When I was out, I saw…all these horrible things, but then I felt a warm touch…That was you…wasn’t it, Kaidan?

Kaidan nodded and whispered back the simple truth. “Yes.”

Evelyn responded without hesitation, as if she had anticipated his affirmation. “As soon as you did that, the visions went away…why?” She searched for answers in his eyes and within her own mind. “This doesn’t make any sense.” She stood and started to pace around the room, growing more and more flustered and frustrated. “I should be able to handle this on my own – I can _always_ handle things on my own.”

Kaidan planted his feet firmly on the floor and rose off the bed. As he approached her, Evelyn’s back was to him. He placed one hand on her shoulder, and she spun her body around towards his, however with her face gazing down at the floor. Kaidan took his other hand and gently cupped her chin in his palm, tilting her head up to meet his.

“You’re the strongest woman I know.” Kaidan declared, his golden eyes reaffirming the sincerity of his words. “And yes, you _can_ handle this. On your own.” Shepard’s slate-grey eyes met his whisky colored ones, indignantly, asking as they pierced into his if he really believed that she could. “It’s just fresh right now, Evelyn, give it time.” Kaidan answered.

Shepard plopped back down on the foot on the bed. “I handled Elysium on my own.” She shook her head, “God, I hate this.”

Kaidan cautiously sat next to her. “The beacon was alien technology. The doctor doesn’t even know what it did exactly to your mind.” He placed a hand on her upper arm. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Evelyn blinked away tears. “You’re right, thank you.” Her lips curved ever so-slightly upward, but quickly retreated back down. “Shit, this is embarrassing,” she muttered.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone, I promise,” Kaidan's tone was genuine, kind, and understanding. “You’re only human. It’s ok to have feelings you know,” he said, trying to lighten up the conversation. There was a significant pause in their conversation. In that silence, Kaidan suddenly felt the need to apologize again. “I still feel bad about this, you know. If I hadn’t triggered that beacon…”

“Then I would have done it anyway while inspecting the damn thing myself,” Shepard interrupted. “Please, Kaidan, don’t blame yourself for what happened.” What she said rang true with him, and finally, he forgave himself.

“So, ‘Evelyn,’ huh?” She asked, almost coyly. “Are you sure that’s an appropriate way to address your commanding officer?”

Kaidan swallowed nervously. He hadn’t even realized he had used her first name, and felt embarrassed now that she had pointed it out. “Sorry, ma’am.”

She giggled, amused by his bashfulness. He hadn’t realized she was pulling his leg. “No, actually, it’s alright,” she smiled. “That’s who I was to you when we first met, after all.” She swallowed and continued. “I actually prefer you to call me that when we aren’t on duty. So few people even know my first name.” She blushed a little, but the room was too dark for Kaidan to notice the slight flush in her cheeks. “And, well, we aren’t _exactly_ on duty right now.” Her tone was matter-of-fact, amicable - not the least bit suggestive.

Kaidan beamed back, “Evelyn, I…” his thoughts stopped his voice, and his smile vanished. _No. Now isn’t an appropriate time to tell her how you feel. She’s been through hell tonight, and you’re lucky to be here to comfort her. Don’t take advantage of that. It wouldn’t be right._

Shepard frowned when Kaidan stopped mid-sentence. She wanted so badly to know how it ended. “Kaidan,” she whispered. “Thank you,” her silver eyes twinkled like stars in the low light of the room. Kaidan searched her face; she was obviously thinking about something, but he couldn’t tell what. Her eyes started to glaze over, tears filling them to the brim. Her lip turned slightly upward on one side as a drop glided down her face.

What Kaidan didn’t know is that Shepard was battling internally with her own feelings. She knew she couldn’t pursue a relationship with him, and yet, here he was, helping her though such a difficult time. He was so kind, warm, and it felt right being here with him. There was nothing forced about the way they were with each other right now; every interaction between them was so natural. _But I’m his commanding officer. There are regulations against this. I can’t have feelings for him. I just can’t… But, what was he about to say? That he has feelings for me?_

Kaidan couldn’t stand to see her cry. He impulsively pulled Shepard into his chest, embracing her stiff frame. Instantaneously, her body betrayed her mind, and she relaxed in his warm, strong arms. Shepard knew she ought to pull away, but she didn’t because right now she needed this. She needed his embrace.

A few moments later, Shepard yawned, and gently pulled away. As Kaidan released her, his eyes searched hers for what was to happen next. “Do you think you’ll be alright?” he asked, worried that she would fall back into the night terrors.

“Yeah, thanks,” she said, her tone indicating that she hoped she believed herself.

“Would you like me to stick around just in case?” Kaidan offered.

“No, that’s alright. You need your rest.” She paused, grinning. “Besides, it might raise a few eyebrows if you stayed in here all night,” the two let out a soft chuckle.

“You’re right,” he nodded, and stood. “Well, I’ll head back to the mess and sit there for a while.” Kaidan could feel his medication beginning to make him drowsy. “I’ll be there if you need me.”

“I’ll be fine,” Evelyn insisted. She continued to smile, though; his offer was sweet. “Don’t pass out at the table. If you start to fall asleep, please go to your pod.” Her words could have been construed as an order, but Kaidan felt they were more meant as thoughts from a friend. He wasn’t entirely sure, though, and decided it best to acknowledge them as if they weren't a request.

“Yes, ma’am.” He beamed back, matching her somewhat professional, amiable tone. He headed towards the door, and stopped just short of where it would automatically open, turning his head back towards her, “See you in the morning, Shepard.”

Kaidan took a step forward, the door opened on cue, and he headed out of the room. Evelyn settled back into bed, grinning and feeling much better than she had before. Her mind raced, recalling the encounter they had just had, the flirtatious moments on the Citadel, outside the med bay, boarding Normandy. Her mind ventured all the way back to Vancouver, replaying their entire day. She sighed. _Damn it, woman. There must be a reason his touch calmed you down. A reason he was here tonight._ She pictured his smile. _He’s so damned handsome and charming…Am I falling for him? Maybe…but, I can’t. …Damn it, what am I going to do?_

As Evelyn drifted into slumber, her mind wandered back to the beacon. She gasped and she sat up in bed. Worried the vision would return, she moved slowly to the door of her cabin.

* * *

Kaidan sat in the mess hall with a tall glass of water. Once he finished it, his migraine was almost entirely gone. He started to nod off, and knew he could not keep himself awake any longer. He remembered Shepard’s request and headed to bed.

Not a moment after Kaidan secured himself in his sleeper pod and closed his eyes did Shepard slip out of her cabin. When she saw that no one was sitting at the tables, she remembered Kaidan’s words from earlier and reassured herself that she could do this on her own; that Kaidan not being there was fate telling her she was strong enough. She headed back to bed, smiled proudly, and peacefully fell asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This slow burn fic will start to pic up quite soon!  
> Also, as promised, there WILL be smut coming, but it’s still a ways away. I’ll “warn” you when it’s here. ;)  
> PS: I’m always open to feedback here. Thank you to anyone reading! Feel free to say hi!


	10. Brain Camp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A twist on a classic ME1 conversation ("the dream").

 

The mission on Therum had been a close call - Joker had every right to make snarky comments about the Normandy potentially getting engulfed lava. Some of the crew members didn’t quite know him yet, so Shepard had had to reassure them it was just Joker’s way of handling tough situations. Everyone had their own way of dealing with stress, and that was his. Shepard had quickly learned that Ashley preferred to clean, upgrade, and maintain guns as her outlet, which Evelyn could easily relate to; she did the same thing with technical things. Kaidan seemed to prefer to socialize when stressed, particularly with Joker and Wrex. At first, Evelyn though it odd that Kaidan and Wrex talked so frequently, but then she realized that up until today, they were the only two biotics on board.

Evelyn realized during the debriefing from Therum’s mission that she hadn’t taken enough time to properly get to know some of her crew. She preferred to know people who would be watching her back; she found that empathy really helped the success of missions, which could only work if you knew your squad mates well. It made losing people a hell of a lot harder, though. Today, Evelyn’s goal had been to get to know her fellow tech people better – Garrus and Tali. She spent quite a bit of time talking to the two, originally starting the conversations off by talking shop and then transitioning to more personal topics. Both of them seemed to open up to Shepard easily. Tali was thankful that Shepard and the others had saved her life, and was amazed that her pilgrimage had led her to serving on the most advanced warship in the galaxy. Garrus had clearly been fed up with C-Sec and was glad for a change of scene. When he mentioned something about Spectres not having to play by the rules, Evelyn reassured him that she would still do so as much as possible – especially when it came to the safety of civilians.

Shepard would have felt irresponsible if she didn’t check on their newest recruit, Liara. During the debriefing the asari mentioned feeling ill, likely due to dehydration from being trapped in a security field for who knows how long. After talking with Garrus and Tali, Evelyn stopped by the med bay to check on her. Liara was grateful for Shepard’s aid and concern and assured her she would be alright. Evelyn figured that while she was there, she could take a few minutes to get to know her newest crew member better. The scientist seemed shy and not used to socializing with others. She remarked that Shepard was “fascinating” and didn’t catch the joke when Evelyn facetiously responded about being dissected. Shepard made note of that and learned from it; she didn’t want to purposely make her crew uncomfortable. Evelyn wanted to ask Liara about Benezia, but thought the timing inappropriate. Liara had a rough day to say the least and there would be plenty of time to have that discussion later.

Shepard exited the med bay and headed across the mess towards her cabin when she saw Kaidan sitting at one of the tables alone. He looked up at her as she approached him. “Commander, do you have a minute?” Evelyn knew she needed to write reports, but figured Kaidan wouldn’t have gotten her attention while they were on duty if it wasn’t important. She sat across from him and put her elbows on the table, her hands propping up her head. “I’m listening, Lieutenant. I always make time for my officers.”

Kaidan sighed heavily, the kind of sigh that insinuated he had been thinking too much. Evelyn often did the same thing when she needed to get something off of her chest. “Off the record, I think there’s something wrong here. This Saren is looking for records on some kind of galactic extinction. But we can’t get backup from the Council? Sorry, Commander. There’s writing on the wall here, but someone isn’t reading it.”

Evelyn met his concerned eyes; she truly felt the same way. “I understand your concern, Alenko. The Council doesn’t want to believe anything’s wrong. I’d call it human nature, but…” her voice trailed off, leaving Kaidan to fill in the blank.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I - it just seems like a group that’s been around as long as the Council should see this coming.” He shook his head, “It’s funny. We finally get out here, and the final frontier was already settled. And the residents don’t even seem impressed by the view. Or the dangers.”

Evelyn smiled widely, amused by his interpretation. “Well, well, you’re a romantic. Did you sign on for ‘the dream,’ Alenko? Secure man’s future in space?”

Kaidan nervously rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah, I read a lot of those books when I was a kid. Where the hero goes to space to prove himself worthy of a woman he loves.” His amber orbs met her silver ones, then quickly and nervously flitted away. “Or, you know. For justice.” He sighed, put one arm on the table, and rubbed his head with his other hand. “Maybe I was a romantic in the beginning. But I thought about it after Brain Camp – ah, sorry, ‘Biotic Acclimation and Temperance training.’ I’m not looking for ‘the dream.’ I just want to do some good. See what’s out here.” He paused and lightly cleared his throat. “Sorry if I get too informal. Protocol wasn’t a big focus in BAaT.”

Shepard knew she had much to do, but here Kaidan was, opening up to her about his past. She wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to learn more about him, and besides, she considered it field research. She smiled at him warmly. “That’s all right. Tell me about it.”

Kaidan beamed back at her. _She seems to really care,_ he thought. “’Biotic Acclimation and Temperance’ didn’t last past the airlock. To the kids they hauled in, it was ‘Brain Camp.’ Sorry, ‘hauled in’ is unkind. We were ‘encouraged to commit to an evaluation of our abilities, so an understanding of biotics could be compiled.’ There are worse results of ‘accidental’ exposure to element zero in the womb. Beats the brain tumors some kids grew up with.”

_Brain tumors?_ She thought. Evelyn admittedly didn’t know very much about human biotics. “What’s the survival rate? It sounds like you beat the odds. How many didn’t make it?” she asked, her analytic nature getting the better of her.

“Out of a hundred? Maybe sixty have no effect. Thirty suffer ‘adverse effects.’ Little things like brain cancer. The other ten show enough ability to augment with implants. Not always permanent, though. Not like the cancer.” He replied.

“Do you suffer from any of these adverse effects?” Evelyn inquired. She needed to know, after all.

“Occasional migraines. They can get pretty bad, but with rest and medication, they’re manageable. They tend to have certain triggers, so I can pretty much guess when they’re coming.” Kaidan understood Shepard’s need to understand his medical issues, and hoped that she wouldn’t judge him or see him as weak for them.

Evelyn appreciated his honesty. Her mind hopped back to an earlier part of their conversation as she realized she missed an important word before – “ _accidental.” He said that as though maybe it wasn’t. “_ Do you doubt your exposure was accidental? Is there some question about how you were exposed?” she inquired, this time out of concern rather than gathering data.

Kaidan noticed the shift in her demeanor and relaxed as he continued, “My mother was downwind of a transport crash. It was before there were human biotics. A little after the discovery of the Martian ruins. It only gets iffy around ’63 when Conatix was running out of first-gen subjects. Until then, they’d relied on accidentals…Anyways, years later, you’re a teenager, and a bunch of guys in suits show up at your door after school. Next thing you know, you’re out on Jump Zero.”

Shepard frowned. She was all too familiar with the experience of being ripped from your home. Growing up, it always seemed that as soon as she had made friends, her parents were being posted somewhere else. She could empathize with Kaidan here, to some degree. “Sounds rough.” She folded her hands together, set them on the table and made herself comfortable, indicating she was here to listen for as long as he needed. “There were other kids in the same boat, though right?” she encouragingly inquired.

Kaidan smiled slightly, as if positive memories came to mind, and leaned back in his chair. “That’s true. We did have a little circle that’d get together every night before lights-out. We didn’t have much to do, though. It was a research platform then, and Conatix kept Jump Zero off the extranet. To prevent leaks.”

Evelyn smirked. “A group of teenagers hanging out in close quarters with nothing to do – sounds like you got to know each other extremely well, either by chatting, or getting physical,” she let out a short chuckle. “Or maybe both.”

Kaidan laughed uncomfortably and straightened up in his chair. “Yeah, about that second part - I’m not the kind of guy who does that sort of thing.” _Shit Kaidan,_ he thought. _You don’t want her to think you’re asexual._ He cleared his throat, “not lightly, anyways. There was this one girl who I spent a lot of time with, but we kept our clothes on. We’d sit around and bull every night after dinner. Play cards or network games. She had a small circle grow up around her. Rhana was her name.” He paused, and Evelyn searched his face as he mentioned this girl. His lips had turned up into a smile as though it was a pleasant memory, but in his eyes she saw pain and regret. Evelyn was curious about his blended visage but didn’t ask, though. She simply listened as he continued. “She was from Turkey. Her family was very rich. But she was smart, and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it.” Kaidan paused and looked around the mess quickly as he contemplated making his next comment. When he saw that no one was around, he decided to go for it. “Like you, I guess. Ma’am.”

Evelyn grinned widely as a slight heat rose up to her cheeks. She rested her face on her fists, attempting to hide her blush, but Kaidan had already noticed the effect his admission had on her. Shepard broke the silence and their moment with an inquiry. “It sounds like she was special to you.” Her silver eyes met his amber ones.

Kaidan swallowed, “She was.” His smile disappeared. “Maybe she felt the same, but…things never fell together.” He cleared his throat lightly. “Training. You know.” His eyes traveled down to the table, and Kaidan felt slightly embarrassed that he had just unloaded all this personal stuff on his commander. She didn’t have to stop and talk to him at all, and yet here she was listening intently the entire time, with not even the slightest hint that he was wasting her time. _She truly does care,_ Kaidan thought. He shook his head and looked back up, noticing that she was gazing at him with a look of concern. He exhaled shortly but audibly. “Anyway. This was supposed to be a casual debrief, not a bull session about stuff that happened years ago.”

Evelyn played with her hair, “I’m interested, Lieutenant. I wanted to get to know you a little better, that’s all." She beamed widely, "Thanks for the talk, Kaidan.”

Kaidan grinned, pleased. The other night he had seen her in such a vulnerable place. After she had admitted how embarrassed she was, he thought for sure that she would want to pretend it hadn’t happened and resume their professional relationship as it had been before that night. But it seemed he had been wrong. Not only had she taken the time to listen to him today, but she mentioned wanting to get to know him better. The thought of growing closer to her was appealing, but Kaidan also had to be cautious. He could be misreading things, and if he made a move on her when she was just trying to be friendly, it would be the end of his career. “Well, you’re welcome, ma’am.” He responded simply. Her next statement deflated his optimism.

“I want to know my crew; we have to depend on each other in combat. I like knowing what kind of man I have at my back.”

“I understand, ma'am. I won't let you down.” Now he felt he was getting mixed signals. _Does she want to get to know me genuinely, or is this simply business to her? A moment ago, I could have sworn she legitimately cared, but now it sounds like she just want to know what makes me tick for field purposes._ Before thinking about if it would be a good idea to ask, one last question escaped his mouth. “Do you, ah, make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?”

Evelyn’s smile returned as she glanced around the mess, checking like Kaidan had earlier before speaking. “Not quite to this extent,” she responded, winking at him. She scooted her chair back and stood. “We’ll talk again later, Kaidan.”

Kaidan stood and met her gaze from across the table. “I’ll, uh – I’ll need some time to process that, Commander.” He beamed back at her, _“_ But yeah, I’d like that.” _She’s keeping up appearances, but really does want to know me,_ Kaidan thought.

The two turned and headed back to their duties, both simultaneously thinking:

_What am I getting myself into?_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What ARE they getting themselves into? I wonder. Hehe!
> 
> Good news, y’all – a super fluffy moment you’ve likely been waiting for is coming next chapter - which I can't wait to upload and am just about to. :)
> 
> Thanks again for reading! Feel free to leave thoughts, comments, and kudos (thank you to the guests who left kudos recently!)


	11. Flux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard enjoy a night of dancing -- and an intimate moment -- at Flux.
> 
>   
> 
> 
> Art by Geirahod (deviant art). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by two songs by Muse: “Undisclosed Desires” and “I Belong to You [Mon Coeur S'ouvre À Ta Voix]." Lyrics are quoted in this chapter (in that order). If you haven’t head those songs, you might want to check them out! It will really fill out the feel of the chapter.

Evelyn headed down to her cabin after speaking with the council following their mission on Feros. It had technically been a success, but the whole thing just didn’t sit right with Shepard. The thorian was a disturbing creature that certainly had to be destroyed, but part of her felt wrong ending the life of such a rare and timeless creature. She also hated seeing civilians fighting geth; it had reminded her too much of Elysium: barricades protecting the heart of the colony, injured and dead civilians, crying children hiding in prefabricated homes. To top it off, later the very same people ended up mindlessly attacking Shepard and her crew while under the influence of the thorian. Evelyn had used the gas grenades to subdue them, but a few still were accidentally killed in the crossfire. It made her sick to think about, so she tried to focus on other things.

Shepard pondered on the prothean cipher she acquired on Feros. It was something Evelyn didn’t fully comprehend yet, but was sure would be useful in the future. For now she just had a slight headache, likely a result of blending minds with two different asari in one day – the one on Feros who gave her the cipher, and Liara who was trying to make sense of it all. The union with Liara had been particularly strange; the visions from the prothean beacon were brought to the front of her mind, but it was as though Shepard was seeing them through someone else’s eyes, which made it even more eerie.

Shepard went to check on the asari in the med bay. Liara had returned there after exhaustion from uniting with Evelyn. The young prothean expert had no new explanations for the visions to offer, but assured Shepard that they would figure out what the visions meant soon. Liara seemed glad to talk with Evelyn about asari and protheans in general, and was clearly more comfortable talking with Shepard than the last time. This made Evelyn happy; she hated for anyone on her crew to feel awkward around her.

After chatting with Liara, Shepard made sure to spend some time catching up with the crew down on the engineering deck. Tali and Garrus shared more about their background and family, and Wrex had shared some pretty crazy stories. He told Shepard about a time he was hired by a volus ambassador to take out an asari he was familiar with, how they destroyed a space station in the process, and that the target had still managed to get away. Wrex then told the volus that the asari was angry about the attempted hit, and ended up guarding the ambassador for years to come. Wrex laughed and said it was the most boring but easiest money he had ever made. Ashley was checking family mail when Shepard approached, and was very embarrassed when Evelyn overheard Ashley’s sister saying Kaidan was cute. Ash quickly noted that she wasn’t interested in Kaidan that way, that her sister was merely making an observation. “Besides, scuttlebutt says he’s already sweet on someone,” Ash told Evelyn with a slight smile. Shepard made note of this – part of her hoped it was her Kaidan was interested in, but Evelyn also knew that the rumors like this really shouldn’t be going around, and that she would have to be extra careful while around Kaidan in view of the crew. Ashley then changed the conversation to comment on the last mission and how crazy things had gotten, but mentioned she admired the colonials there. “Given the option, I’d get the hell out of dodge,” Ash commented.

Everyone Evelyn spoke with that day seemed open to talking to her, but she could sense morale was low. Shepard decided to do something about it, and headed up to the CIC.

She stood, looking at the galaxy map and all the things they had to do. Larger missions, favors for Hackett, things that were suspicious and needed looking into. But those things could wait for one night – her crew needed something positive after almost drowning in lava on Therum and then having zombie-like civilians pounding on the door on Feros. It was time for a night off. “Joker, set a course for the Citadel. We’re taking some shore leave tonight.”

Joker didn’t even try to hide his excitement. “SWEET!” he cleared his throat. “I mean, um, yes ma’am. Any plans?”

“I have something I need to take care of,” Evelyn replied, her tone slightly sullen.

“Well, that’s a bummer.” Joker replied, “I’m going to see how many people I can get together to go to Flux. You know, so I can watch them all dance after having too much to drink.” He laughed, “Since I can dance and all.”

Evelyn shook her head and smiled. “Ok, Joker, I’ll head that way after I take care of my thing.”

“SERIOUSLY? Oh man, I don’t know if more of the crew will come or if it will scare some of them off. I guess we’ll see!” Joker giggled as he focused on piloting the ship. Shepard laughed to herself, turned and walked away from the galaxy maps and towards her XO.

“Pressly,” Shepard addressed him informally. The navigator paused his work and turned to Evelyn. “Yes, ma’am?” he inquired formally.

“I’m going to visit dad’s memorial when we reach the Citadel.” She swallowed hard. “It’s been years since I’ve been. I was wondering if you would go with me.”

Pressly noticed the sadness in Evelyn’s eyes and wouldn’t have dared to say no. He took on a more casual, personal tone. “Of course, Evelyn. I’ll ask Adams to hold the fort down while I’m gone. We’ll take shifts tonight while you’re taking a well deserved break.”

Evelyn placed one hand on Pressly’s shoulder. “Thank you so much. This means a lot to me,” She smiled widely. She brought her hand back down to her side, and straightened up her posture. “Don’t forget that you and Adams need to take a break tonight as well.”

“Of course, ma’am.” Pressly replied with a slight grin. “I’m looking forward to it.” Evelyn nodded respectfully to Pressly and headed downstairs, where she saw Kaidan fiddling with the console in the mess hall. He was the only one Shepard hadn’t checked in with yet, and she thought this would be a good time to do so. Kaidan saw Shepard approaching, stopped his work, and met her grey orbs with his amber ones.

“Hey, Commander,” he said casually. “I’m glad there aren’t many aliens like the Thorian. I don’t think my stomach could take it.” he said, half serious, half joking.

“Yeah, no kidding.” She realized she hadn’t eaten anything since the mission yet, and that her appetite wasn’t right. “I’m not entirely sure mine could take just the one.”

Kaidan frowned, “Make sure you take care of yourself, ma’am.” She nodded, assuring him that she would, and then he continued the conversation. “Hell of a deal you worked out with Jeong, though. If I ever get a speeding ticket, I want you to be my advocate. I didn't know you could speak corporate.” Shepard giggled. She was glad for the distraction right now. “Joker says we’re heading back to the Citadel. That you’re giving us the night off,” Kaidan continued, changing the subject.

“That’s right,” Evelyn confirmed.

“Do you, uh, have plans?” Kaidan asked, his voice hopeful that she was thinking of spending time with him.

“Actually,” Evelyn said, looking down. “I do.”

“Oh.” Kaidan’s response was simple and sounded hurt. “Sorry if I got mixed signals.” He lowered his voice so that others nearby couldn’t hear. “I thought you might want to spend leave with me. But if there’s someone else you would rather be with…” his voice trailed off as he looked in the direction of the med bay.

“Liara?” Evelyn couldn’t help the shock in her voice. Kaidan met her confused visage with sad amber eyes. “There’s a lower-deck rumor that she’s, uh, interested in you. As more than a source of Prothean data.” He rubbed the back of his neck as he looked down, and didn’t notice the shocked look on Evelyn’s face as he continued explaining nervously. “She’s a very interesting lady. Not to my, uh, tastes.” He cleared his throat, and brought his eyes back up to hers. “It’s just that…we don’t have much downtime these days. And I like being around you. But I – I don’t want to take up your personal time. Not if you would rather spend it with someone else.”

Evelyn smiled widely, amused that he was evidently jealous of Liara. “Kaidan, it’s not like that. There’s nothing romantic between Liara and me.” His amber pools changed from concerned to relieved, and his lips turned upward. Shepard continued, her silver eyes sincere. “My relationship with Dr. T’Soni is professional. I mean, perhaps we’ve become friends, but to me, that’s all it is.” She sighed, hoping the rumors were unfounded. “Thank you for the heads-up, Kaidan. I’ll make sure to not lead her on.”

Kaidan let out a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.” He smiled shyly. “Do you mind sharing what you’re up to tonight?”

Evelyn’s eyes began to glaze over, and Kaidan immediately regretted asking about her plans. Shepard moved her gaze away from Kaidan and towards her fidgeting hands. “I’m going to visit my father’s memorial.”

Now Kaidan felt absolutely horrible about asking. Clearly this is something that was difficult for Evelyn to talk about. “I’m sorry, Shepard, I didn’t know.”

“That’s ok,” Evelyn softly replied. “It happened ages ago. It’s just been awhile since I’ve been.” She exhaled loudly. “I’ll be ok. Pressly is going with me.” Kaidan furrowed his eyebrows, confused. “He and my father were very close friends. Actually, I referred to Pressly as ‘Uncle Charlie’ growing up. But don’t tell him I told you that,” she giggled.

Kaidan wasn’t quite sure how to respond, and figured that after all the tripping over his tongue he had already done today he ought to keep it simple. “Well, I hope everything goes well.” Evelyn thanked him, then realized that she needed to get reports done before she could go out tonight, and took her leave.

* * *

Kaidan sat across from Joker at a small table in Flux, a night club in the wards. The music was loud, the lights bright, but the drinks were damn good. _I just hope he didn’t lie about Shepard coming out,_ Kaidan thought. After all, there were plenty of other good bars to get a stiff drink, places that wouldn’t cause a migraine. Joker took another slug of his shitty light beer and pointed out an attractive woman, dressed somewhat scantily, letting loose on the dance floor. “She looks like she’s having a good time.” Joker snickered. “It’ll get ruined when some asshole takes advantage of her or she throws up. Or both.” Kaidan shook his head and sipped his whisky, knowing Joker was probably right. Joker continued, “or maybe some chivalrous knight could sweep in instead?” He baited Kaidan, “huh?”

Kaidan didn’t even notice Joker’s poking. He was too focused on the athletic woman with chin-length crimson hair entering the bar. Joker was so caught up in his act that he didn’t realize Kaidan was no longer paying attention to him or the girl he was talking about. “No? Ok, I guess I’ll have to do it, then,” Joker grunted as he stood and hobbled over to the dancing girl, who luckily for Joker was on the outer edge of the dance floor. On his way, Joker finally noticed Shepard coming in. “Oh, hey Commander!” Kaidan could hear the flight lieutenant happily shout as he half-saluted her, quickly turning his attention back to the girl. Shepard nodded to Joker, and her gaze immediately traveled past him to the tables.

Kaidan and Evelyn’s eyes locked form across the room. Both their lips turned up, pleased to see that the other was there. Kaidan could feel his heartbeat increasing as she approached him, her hips swaying with confidence. She wore a fitted, asymmetrical dark purple tunic, diagonally cut at the bottom, with one tank-top-like sleeve, the other side strapless. Under the royal colored fabric were black leggings, tucked into dark grey booties. Kaidan realized he had never seen Shepard out of uniform. Certainly, she was stunning in her uniform and armor, but to see her dressed like this made her appear more human. Kaidan felt he was seeing Evelyn more like the first time – simply attracted to her and not her accomplishments.

Evelyn’s stride toward Kaidan got interrupted by Ashley, who was exiting the dance floor with some random man Shepard had never seen before. “Shepard! I found an old friend!” Ashley yelled over the loud music. “We’re going to go see who’s the better shot! See you later!” The gunnery-chief and her “friend” scurried off in quite a hurry. Shepard shook off the distraction, and headed for Kaidan.

"I'm surprised to see you here," Evelyn said as she took a seat in the chair next to the handsome lieutenant. "I didn't figure you for the clubbing type," she explained as she pointed to the temple of her head. Kaidan noticed one last detail of her outfit while she greeted him. Evelyn wore a silver chain that had a small ring, sized to fit a child, of the same color metal, adorned with a tiny ruby, dangling from it. 

“To be honest,” Kaidan said as their eyes met, “I’m only here because Joker said you were coming.” He admitted.

“Is that so?” Evelyn grinned.

Kaidan sighed. “Yeah…How was your visit?” he genuinely inquired.

Shepard smiled slightly and exhaled audibly. “Honestly, it feels like a weight off my shoulders. I hadn’t been since Elysium.” She shook her head. “It’s hard to explain why, and this isn’t the right setting.” She paused, swallowed, and smiled more broadly. “I’ll tell you about it some other time.”

Kaidan grinned, happy that she was planning further conversations with him. The song changed, and he noticed Evelyn’s silver eyes light up. The DJ mentioned something about twenty-first century music hour, though Kaidan couldn’t quite hear what he said over Shepard’s enthusiastic voice. “I _love_ this song!” she declared, standing. “I can’t listen to it without dancing. Come on!” She motioned for Kaidan to follow her and beamed as she headed out to the dance floor. Kaidan shot back the last few sips of his drink and heartily followed her. He was relieved that she wanted to dance, because he wasn’t sure what to talk about tonight.

Shepard moved like water on the dance floor. He arms twisted up and down with the melody, her hips swayed to the pulsing rhythm. Kaidan recognized the singer’s voice as the lead singer from Muse, but he wasn’t familiar with this song. As the chorus started, Evelyn danced closer to Kaidan, her hips only inches away from his. He wanted so badly to touch her, relating to the lyrics of the song:

> _I want to reconcile the violence in your heart_  
>  _I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask  
>  I want to exorcise the demons from your past  
>  I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart_

Shepard abruptly stopped moving her hips the second the song stopped. The DJ immediately had the next song cued, commenting that he would be playing songs by the same artist in pairs tonight. The next began with a jazzy sound that inspired Kaidan to offer his hand to Evelyn for a proper dance. Evelyn was surprised when Kaidan skillfully spun her around. The two danced hand in hand, moving swiftly with the upbeat tempo of the piece. With a sudden flourish of the piano, the song slowed, and Kaidan pulled Evelyn in close. Their heartbeats quickened against the other’s chest, growing louder with the music. Their eyes held each other’s gaze, silver and gold, twinkling in the lights of the club. The music softened, and Shepard smiled sheepishly at Kaidan. He returned her smile with a bold one of his own and drew nearer to her, allowing the lyrics of the song to speak for him.

> _I belong,  
>  I belong to you alone._

They were so close their noses grazed against each other, their lips less than an inch away. Their hearts raced, their breath quickened. Kaidan placed one hand gently upon Evelyn’s cheek, and checked her eyes for any sign of petition, but he saw only desperation. Kaidan closed his eyes, parted his lips, and slowly but confidently, placed them on Evelyn’s. The feeling of his soft lips upon hers was exhilarating, and her body surrendered as she pursed her lips against his in return. The romantic kiss seemed to last an eternity to them, but to the average person dancing, it lasted only a few seconds, and was likely missed by most. The music’s speed picked back up as the two came out of their kiss and Kaidan spun Shepard around again, grinning widely. _She kissed me back,_ he thought.

Shepard, caught in the whirlwind of the kiss and the dance, tried to process what had just happened. As the song ended and Kaidan drew her close again, she panicked, the weight of their actions finally hitting her. _He kissed me…and I kissed him back. What have I done?_ Kaidan noticed the change in Shepard’s eyes, which were now filled with uncertainty and fear. His visage and posture softened, making his body language as supportive as he could. “I…” Evelyn stammered. “I should go,” she dropped his hand and ran from the dance floor, tears pooling in her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no! Everything was going so well! What’s going to happen next?
> 
> Please leave your thoughts! I feel like this was a particularly important chapter and would love feedback! I didn't get any when I originally posted it on FF.net :(
> 
> PS: Some dialogue was taken from Mass Effect 1, which is (obviously) owned by Bioware.


	12. Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evelyn and Kaidan have a heart-to-heart following their kiss from the previous chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter is the same as the Muse song referenced. I swear, I’m done with the music references after this one…for now. ;)

 

Kaidan stood in the middle of the dance floor, heart-broken and unsure of himself. Only seconds before he had been happier than ever. He thought he’d finally found a woman who accepted him for who he was, who wouldn’t reject him because of his biotics or call him a monster, but she too ran after he made himself vulnerable. Confused, upset, and angry with himself, he wandered back over to the bar. Before he could get anyone’s attention to order another drink, Joker appeared next to him.

“Hey, man, it looked like things were going really well out there!” Joker teased and gently nudged Kaidan with his elbow, clearly oblivious to the fact that Evelyn just left.

“Yeah, it _was.”_ Kaidan replied with a heavy emphasis on the last word, frowning.

Joker’s lips turned downwards to match Kaidan’s. “Shit, dude, what happened?” he asked, concerned.

Kaidan exhaled heavily and shrugged. “I kissed her. She kissed me back. And then she ran away.”

Joker raised an eyebrow with the first statement, then furrowed both together at the end of Kaidan’s explanation. “Kaidan, I’m sorry man.”

“Yeah…” Kaidan sighed and tried to get the bartender’s attention.

“Wait a sec,” Joker interrupted, coming to a realization. “You said she kissed you back?” he asked as if he had a plan.

“Yeah. And then she ran away.” Kaidan clarified once again.

Joker didn’t hesitate in his response. “Kaidan, you have to go find her and figure out what the hell happened. Shepard would _not_ have kissed you back if she didn’t want to.”

Joker’s words rang true to Kaidan. _He’s right,_ Kaidan thought. _Shepard is decisive. She thinks things through. She wouldn’t have kissed you back if she didn’t want to. Hell, she didn’t even run away immediately. It wasn’t until the song ended that she did…what was she thinking about between our kiss and the end of our dance?_ Kaidan patted his friend on the back lightly. “You’re right. Thanks, Joker.” He quickly exited the club without waiting for a response, and began to trace the steps back that Shepard would likely have taken to return to their ship.

* * *

 Shepard headed down to her cabin, the Normandy still mostly empty from everyone taking the night off. Evelyn sat at her computer, figuring that researching upgrades would be the only way to take her mind off of the kiss she just shared with Kaidan. She always worked while listening to music, and out of habit pulled up her favorite and longest playlist, “Twenty-First Century Music,” putting it on shuffle. She forced herself to work through the first song, Kaidan coming to her mind with every pause in her train of thought. The moment the second song started, her concentration was doomed. It was the same artist she and Kaidan danced to in the club, Muse. Shepard dropped her hands from her keyboard, the lyrics demanding her attention.

> _I, I can't get these memories out of my mind_  
>  And some kind of madness has started to evolve  
> I, I tried so hard to let you go  
> But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole, yeah.
> 
> _I have finally seen the light_  
>  And I have finally realized  
> What you mean.
> 
> _And now, I need to know is this real love  
>  Or is it just madness keeping us afloat? _

She paused the song mid-verse; she couldn’t bear to hear any more. Her hands were shaking, and her eyes watering. Here she was, trying to distract herself from Kaidan, and something that had always spoken to her, music, kept him in the forefront of her mind. Evelyn knew it would take more than just work to move past things tonight. She fetched her private stash of American Bourbon and searched for her N7 etched double old-fashioned glass. She sighed upon the realization that it must be in the sink in the mess, placed the bottle on her desk, and headed out the door to retrieve her favorite drinking glass.

The door to her cabin swooshed open - and there he was. Kaidan was standing just on the other side of the threshold, barely even half a step away.

“Kaidan,” Evelyn exclaimed, hushed.

“Shepard, I…” he stammered.

_Too many coincidences,_ Evelyn thought. She always believed that a coincidence was a version of fate, and realized that she could no longer sweep the ones involving her and Kaidan under the rug. Silently, Evelyn took a step back and gestured for Kaidan to come in. The second the door closed, his husky voice filled the room.

“Evelyn, I’m…”

“Please,” she interrupted. This conversation had to happen now. She needed to say her piece before he said his, for fear she would lose her nerve if he spoke first. “Just…” she struggled to find words, and sighed. “I was trying to do some research. I put on my twenty-first century music playlist. On shuffle. It has hundreds of songs. Then this comes on…” Evelyn replayed the very same song that distracted her only a moment ago. Kaidan listened to the pulsing bass line, which almost sounded as if it stuttered. He immediately recognized the vocalist as the same one from the songs they were dancing to earlier that night when they kissed. He listened intently to the lyrics, and quickly realized that Shepard has having them speak for her.

_She can’t forget the memories. She can’t forget the times we’ve shared._

_She’s struggling with her feelings. She tried to let the ones for me go._

_Now…she realizes what I mean…to her? Or my intentions?_ Kaidan wasn’t exactly sure what the second part meant to her.

“ _I need to know is this real love” …It is for me._ Kaidan thought. _I’m sure of it._

She paused the song there, in the same place she had just before they ran into each other at her door. She sat in her chair at her desk, her eyes gazing at the floor, searching for the words to say.

“I never forgot our day in Vancouver,” she managed to get out.

“Neither did I,” Kaidan admitted.

“I….” she sighed and turned the chair to face him, but her eyes still lingered at his feet. “I’m so sorry. I’m not very good at this.” She swallowed the lump of nervousness in her throat. “It’s just that…I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. Ever.” Evelyn brought up her steel-colored eyes to face him. Kaidan moved over and sat on the edge of the bed, turning his body towards her, its language encouraging her to take her time.

“I’ve never believed in coincidences,” she admitted. “I believe in fate.” She paused, looked down again, and shook her head. “But here I was, taking the most important emotions I’ve ever felt and dismissing all the moments that supported them. Telling myself they were just silly coincidences, not fate.” Kaidan hesitantly put a hand on Evelyn’s shoulder. She relaxed slightly at his touch. “I’ve never done this before,” she admitted, looking at his amber orbs, seeing the question in Kaidan’s eyes. _Never done what before?_

“I’ve never had a boyfriend before. Been in a relationship before. Hell, I’ve never even had feelings for anyone like I do for you before.”

Kaidan could hardly believe it. _How could someone as gorgeous, talented, and charming as her be 29 years old and have always remained single?_

But he didn’t have to verbalize his question. “I know, you’re wondering how that’s possible. Thinking it doesn’t make any sense,” Evelyn continued, openly. “I never saw the point.”

“Why?” he simply breathed out, the one thought in this conversation he had yet to sound out.

“Two reasons. One being logic.” Shepard sighed. “I knew either I would move, or whatever boy I was interested in would, and that it wouldn’t last.” This reasoning didn’t really surprise Kaidan - he already knew how cerebral she could be - but it also didn’t explain her emotional reaction earlier on the dance floor.

“That, combined with losing my dad…” Evelyn’s eyes began to glisten, pools forming around the bottom lids. Now it made sense. “Seeing what his death did to my mom…” a tear rolled down her cheek.

“Evelyn,” Kaidan started, wiping the salty drop from her face.

“Please Kaidan, I’m not quite finished.” He nodded, and let her continue. “My dad was killed in action when I was only twelve years old. His remains were cremated and compressed into one of the stars on the memorial wall in Shin Akiba...where Pressly and I went earlier tonight.” Kaidan gently rubbed the back of her shoulder with one of his warm, strong hands. “When I joined the Alliance, I decided that I never wanted to make anyone feel the way my mother felt when he was killed…the way I felt...And because of that, I would never be with anyone. Never allow myself to fall for anyone.” She balled her hands into tiny fists. “But then, you came along, and…I…” her eyes drifted away from his face. “I just…” Kaidan watched her patiently with amorous amber eyes as she searched for the right words. “I’m no longer sure that’s what I want.”

Evelyn closed her eyes and more tears started to flow down the sides of her cheeks. Shepard’s fists remained tense, reflecting her inner battle. Kaidan warmly squeezed her hands, and when she relaxed them, he brushed his fingers gently across her cheek, removing damp evidence of her sorrow. Evelyn blinked her eyes open, searching his for answers. Kaidan returned his grasp back to her delicate, trembling hands, clasping them tenderly, and smiled.

“I know what I want, Shepard,” he admitted. “I’ve known for years.”

Her shimmering silver eyes begged him to tell her more. His amber ones poured into hers, delighted to oblige. “I want to be with you. To love you.”

“Kaidan,” Evelyn slid off of her chair and next to Kaidan on the bed. She collapsed in his arms, warm and safe as he held her firmly. _I do, too, Kaidan._ Evelyn said to herself, debating whether to admit it to him. After she had finished relishing in his embrace and had decided what to say, Evelyn placed her hands on Kaidan’s chest and drew back slightly from him, casting her silver eyes upon his. “I want to be with you, Kaidan,” she finally confessed, smiling as more tears gathered. “I’m just so scared.”

Kaidan tucked a lock of hair that had fallen in her face back to its proper place behind her ear. “We’re both soldiers, we know the risks,” he said reassuringly. “But it’s worth it to me.”

“Me too.” Evelyn murmured as she buried her head in his chest, the wetness from her eyes staining his shirt. She wrapped her arms around his waist and held on tight. Kaidan kissed the top of her head lovingly, comfortingly. Once she had stopped sobbing, Shepard looked upon Kaidan’s handsome face once more, her pink lips sweetly turned upward. “We’ll have to mind the regulations, you know. I don’t want anything happening to your career.” Her fingers swept over his rough, stubbly cheek as she spoke.

“Of course, Shepard,” Kaidan smiled back in agreement, holding her hand against his face. “And I wouldn’t want to harm yours, either.” He gently pulled her hand toward his lips, and softly pressed them against it. “Anytime we’re on duty, we put this on the shelf for later.”

Evelyn felt so relieved to hear Kaidan say that. Compartmentalizing feelings was something she had always been good at, and hoped that now the air had been cleared between them that she could keep her feelings in check more easily. Knowing he understood the complexity of the situation reassured her that he could do the same.

As Kaidan continued to hold Shepard, he realized something. “Wait – so, tonight, our kiss on the dance floor….”

“Was my first kiss…ever.” Shepard confessed, blushing.

 

 


	13. Soulless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan sees an unexpected side of Shepard during their mission on Asteroid X57.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS - GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF VIOLENCE, MENTIONS OF SLAVERY/SEX TRAFFICKING INDUSTRY.

 

 

Shepard woke up the next morning feeling exuberant after the night before. She could still sense the feeling of Kaidan's soft firm lips on her, the smell of his after shave, the way his warm, strong hands had held her as they danced. But most of all, she remembered how good it felt to finally get her feelings off her chest, and to know he felt the same. Evelyn slipped into her uniform, smiling as she recalled the night before. She left her cabin and headed into the mess hall to grab a bite to eat. Her heart fluttered when she noticed Kaidan already sitting at the table, beaming up at her as she approached. Evelyn grabbed her rations and slid into the chair across from him. The tall, handsome biotic wore an expression on his face that Shepard easily recognized – the "there's something I need to get off my chest" look.

"Good morning, Commander," Kaidan started the conversation in a friendly but professional manner.

"Morning, Lieutenant." Shepard replied back as she wrapped her breakfast. "Is there something on your mind?"

Kaidan sighed. "It's that obvious, huh?" Shepard smiled and nodded in response as she ate, and gestured for him to continue. "I've had this on my mind since last night," he started to explain. Shepard gulped, nervous about what he was about to bring up in the middle of the mess hall. She glanced around, looking to see how much company they had and if anyone appeared to be listening. Kaidan noticed her worried look and reassured her the conversation was appropriate by continuing in a very business-like manner. "It's just that we've played it really close to the book so far, but we're a long way from backup. I know there are tough calls coming and…well, just try to leave yourself a way out." He tapped his fingers on the table. Evelyn could sense Kaidan wasn't finished and simply sat their quietly, her posture relaxed, showing she would happily listen as Kaidan finished sharing his concerns. "I've seen what cutting corners can do to someone…and I'd hate to have that happen to you, ma'am."

Evelyn swallowed her last bite and washed it down with some water before responding. "Are you concerned for me, lieutenant? Or is this a personal observation?" she asked with a serious tone, though her eyes shimmered in a heartfelt manner.

"Let me be clear," he continued, her somewhat curt response causing him to feel the need to clarify. "I'm not questioning any decisions you've made. It's just that I have first-hand experience of…" his voice trailed off and he exhaled heavily. Kaidan observed that Evelyn looked rather confused now. "You know how all the records about biotic training out of Jump Zero are classified?" Shepard nodded in acknowledgement. "It's because the Alliance made mistakes. They brought in a turian mercenary to train us. They didn't take things slowly; they wanted quick results.” Kaidan took a sip of his tea before continuing. “This merc, Vyrnnus, pushed us so hard that a lot of the kids snapped. Others died." His amber pools wandered down to his fidgeting hands.

"Kaidan," Evelyn's voice brought him back from whatever bad memory he’d started to drown in. "Just tell me what's wrong."

Kaidan looked back up to find Evelyn’s silver sincere eyes gazing upon his face. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that when we come to a situation where cutting corners is inevitable, that I'm here to help. You're important to me, and I want you to know I'm here for you."

Evelyn grinned widely and sat up straight in her chair. "Thank you, Lieutenant Alenko."

His supple lips beamed back at her. "Anytime, ma'am."

Their eyes locked, silver against gold, and a sweet silence filled the space between them. Unfortunately, the quiet moment came to a swift end when Joker's voice filled the room. "Commander, I just picked up an odd distress call originating from some asteroid orbiting around Terra Nova."

"I'm on my way up, Joker." Shepard shoved her last bit of her rations down and quickly headed up the stairs to the CIC. As she moved through the large room and approached the cockpit, Shepard could see that Joker fiddling with the communications systems. She moved next to him and noticed his brow was furrowed with a mixture of confusion and concern. 

"The distress beacon was activated for only a few seconds," the pilot explained. "At first I thought it might be a mistake, but nothing came after it to say that it was…so I tried to get through to them to checkbut communications are cut off. I have a really bad feeling about this, Commander."

Evelyn trusted her pilot and his instincts. "Alright, Joker, take us in quietly. Page Alenko and Williams to suit up." She patted Joker on the shoulder as he acknowledged the order. Shepard then quickly pivoted and headed back through the CIC. She rushed down the stairs to the crew deck gracefully and found Kaidan waiting for her in the elevator, holding it for her. Evelyn thanked him and quickly filled him in on the situation while they moved down to the cargo hold. The elevator doors opened to reveal Garrus securing the final latch on Ashley’s armor. As it clicked into place, the pair offered to help Kaidan and Shepard get ready to go.

Joker dropped them in the Mako on the rocky surface of the asteroid. The ground was uneven, causing their ride in the tank to be rather bumpy. It was quite dark, but some areas were illuminated. Not long after touching down, a static filled call managed to get through. The only thing any of them could make out from it was a woman’s voice begging them to turn off the nearby giant torches.

As Shepard drove the tank towards the nearest fusion torch, a number of turrets began shooting at them. Evelyn ordered Kaidan and Ashley to destroy them while she dodged their fire. Though the Mako was a large, clunky and unwieldy tank, Evelyn managed to steer it with finesse. Once it was safe to exit the vehicle, the three marines approached the entrance to the torch facility.

"We have no idea what we'll find in here, so be ready for anything," Shepard warned. Kaidan activated his barrier and readied his pistol. Ashley and Shepard grabbed their assault rifles, and Shepard opened the door.

The room was lit with dull blue lights and filled with crates. Just ahead of them a group of batarians sat on some boxes, surrounded by pack of varren.

"Shit," Kaidan heard Shepard mutter as her gun clattered to the ground. She collapsed, one hand grabbing her right knee and the other Kaidan's arm for support. Kaidan instinctively expanded his barrier to protect them both and ordered Ashley to take care of the batarians. A varren rushed towards him and Shepard, which he biotically threw across the room. Kaidan then noticed that Shepard had managed to send out her drone to assist them. Without taking his eyes off their surroundings, Kaidan checked on Evelyn verbally. "Commander, are you alright?"

"Fucking batarians," she muttered in response, as if that explained everything. She sabotaged the weapons of the closest enemies, making them vulnerable to Ashley's barrage. As more varren approached the pair, Kaidan lifted them to the air and finished them off with his pistol. After what felt like hours, but likely was only minutes, Ashley informed them that the area was secure and Shepard ordered her to see what she could find.

Evelyn continued to breathe hard and clench her knee. Kaidan turned to her, knowing it was safe enough now to inquire about what happened. The red-headed commander’s eyes were slammed shut, indicating she was in pain. Kaidan cast concerned eyes on her and placed one of his strong hands over hers. Shepard softened her grip on her knee and her eyes shot open, wide and boring into his. Kaidan's amber pools searched her grey ones for reassurance. Instead of responding, Evelyn closed her eyes again.

"Shepard, what happened?" Kaidan finally voiced his concern.

Evelyn breathed hard, unsure of how to respond. She held up a single finger, as if to say she needed a moment. A few hyperventilated breaths later, she finally met Kaidan's worried eyes and offered an explanation. "I haven't seen a batarian since Elysium. The last time I laid eyes on one was as my knee cap was being shattered." She sighed, frustrated, and shook her head. "I shouldn't be having this reaction. This is ridiculous. I moved on from this years ago."

Kaidan cupped her chin in his hand, bringing her back to the present. "Let's try applying medigel to it. Maybe the stims in it will make your pain go away." Evelyn nodded in agreement as Kaidan assisted her. She exhaled in relief a few seconds later and removed her hand from her knee. "Thanks," she breathed out.

"Commander!" the two heard Ashley's voice come from upstairs. "There's a computer up here that controls the torch. One of you tech nerds should probably be the one to deal with it." Kaidan helped Shepard up and she shook off her shock and refocused. Her knee was a bit sore moving up the stairs, but it felt better as she continued to use it. Evelyn hacked the computer with ease, and the torch shut off.

Immediately afterwards, a transmission came through. A woman, the same voice from before, whispered to them. "You have to turn off the other two torches. The batarians are trying to make this asteroid crash into Terra Nova…millions of people will die if they succeed."

Evelyn's eyes narrowed and became cold and dark. "Don't worry. They won't," she uttered bitterly.

Kaidan turned towards Evelyn. _Something isn't right,_ he thought.

"Let's go," Evelyn ordered and moved with renewed determination.

* * *

Kaidan couldn't help but notice that the more batarians they came across, the more ruthless Evelyn's fighting became. In the second torch facility, Evelyn opted to her use pistol in lieu of her assault rifle, and aimed with precision to inflict pain on the aliens before killing them. In the third building, the batarian who was second in command approached them after Shepard shut off the last torch. Kaidan expected Evelyn to have diplomatically charmed the alien into leaving, which was how she normally handled situations, but instead she threatened him within an inch of his life. The change in Shepard's demeanor throughout this mission concerned Kaidan. _I don't believe this,_ he thought. _This isn't her. This isn't Evelyn. It can't be her…I know her…Or do I?_ Kaidan worried that maybe she had been like this all along and he just never knew until now. _No, that's just not possible._

"Alenko, are you ready?" Shepard's harsh tone snapped him from his thoughts as they stood at the entrance to the main facility.

"Aye, ma'am." He responded with confidence. He was absolutely ready; he needed to focus on something other than Shepard’s startling behavior.

Evelyn, Ashley, and Kaidan easily took down the guards leading up to the batarian in charge, Balak. He warned Shepard that he had the scientists who had been communicating with her throughout the mission held hostage – and that if Evelyn tried to attack, he would activate a bomb and kill them. Tension built in the air as Shepard glared at the "terrorist," as she had called him.

"I'm going to give you one chance to explain yourself," she declared bitterly.

Balak went on and on about how humans inhabited planets that rightfully should have been batarian’s, stole their resources, and were ultimately responsible for his race’s problems. Kaidan watched Evelyn from his peripheral vision as Balak spoke, his pistol carefully trained on one of the men standing beside the leader. Finally, Balak mentioned Elysium specifically. This clearly hit a nerve with Shepard - Kaidan could sense Evelyn’s body tense up and she then interrupted the batarian.

"The things your people have done to humans are disgusting. Nothing we’ve ever done can possibly justify your actions, or the number of innocent lives you planned to take today."

The batarian leader scoffed. "Clearly you don’t want to see our side of things - don’t forget, there are still a few innocent lives in this building. Lives which depend on your actions," he reminded her of the hostage situation.

Shepard scowled, aimed her pistol at the hand holding the bomb trigger, and fired. Balak screamed at the loss of his extremity and scrambled. Evelyn barked orders in response to the chaos that began to ensue. "Kaidan – go make sure that bomb doesn't go off!" she shouted as she and Ashley ran for cover. Ashley shot the batarian leader in the leg, rendering him vulnerable on the ground. Shepard ordered her comrade to take care of the others and leave Balak for last; it was clear he was no longer a threat, and Shepard wasn't done with him.

Kaidan dodged bullets as he ran to find the bomb. He managed to find it and put up a barrier around him as he deactivated it. He could feel his biotic defenses waver as a single opponent fired at him. Luckily, Kaidan was able to quickly disable the bomb, turn and toss the lone batarian shooter to the ground, finishing him off with his pistol. The glowing human biotic then swiftly made his way back over to where Shepard and Ashley were. The location was the same as before, but the scene had completely changed. A trail of batarian bodies led to where Evelyn stood over Balak, who was injured and helpless. Ashley covered her commanding officer’s six while Shepard dealt with the terrorist. Kaidan watched in horror as Evelyn lowered his pistol towards the batarian's knee and fired.

"That was for me," she muttered and moved her aim towards his stomach, firing again. "That was for those you killed in the Blitz."

Kaidan froze. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. _Is this really the woman I’ve fallen for?_ Shepard fired again, this time at Balak's groin.

"That was for the girls on Mindoir your people sold into slavery." Shepard turned to Ashley, with no trace of emotion left on her face, grabbed her shotgun and placed the barrel only a few feet away from the batarian's face. She pulled the trigger and blasted Balak's head clear off his shoulders. Her arm went limp as she made her final statement. "And that was for the little girl on Elysium who watched as you shot her father's head off and laughed."

Even Ashley, who had been supportive of Shepard's renegade antics throughout the mission, stood aghast as Shepard thrust the shotgun back into her arms. Evelyn said nothing as she turned and headed towards the exit, bumping shoulders with Kaidan on the way. The only words said on their way back were when Shepard called for the extraction. Kaidan wasn't sure what the other two were thinking, but he spent the time awaiting pick up trying to figure out how to approach Shepard about this later.

* * *

Kaidan lifted his fist up to the door to Shepard's cabin and hesitated before knocking. He sighed, knowing this conversation had to happen, but could likely not go well. He rapped on the door three times and it immediately slid open.

The handsome biotic stepped into the darkness of Shepard's cabin and found her sitting at the table nearest to the door.

"Is there something I can help you with, Lieutenant?" she spoke coolly, barely turning her head towards him.

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Actually, yes." He spoke with as much confidence as he could muster. "I have concerns about how you handled the mission today, ma’am."

Before Kaidan could elaborate, Shepard tore into him. "Concerns? About batarians?" Her icy tone pierced through his chest, straight to his heart. "Those bastards deserved what they got." She stood and pushed in her chair with excessive force. Evelyn brought her steel eyes to his amber ones, daring him to question her.

Kaidan responded to her glare with confidence. "Deciding to kill Balak was one thing – I understand the decision to sacrifice the hostages, but it just didn't seem like you." 

"But I didn't sacrifice the hostages, did I?" She retorted, folding her arms in front of her chest. "I shot that bastard’s hand off and sent you to deal with the bomb."

"Alone, ma'am. You sent me without backup. It could have easily gone to hell." Kaidan’s tone conveyed much concern.

Evelyn glared at Kaidan. "Well it didn't- now did it?" She snapped back.

Kaidan sighed, shocked by her harsh tone and atypical disregard for his input. "No, it didn't. But that's not what bothers me most about what happened…" his husky voice trailed off.

"What then?" Shepard sharply interrogated.

Kaidan rubbed his temples, exhaled heavily, and continued. "The way you killed Balak. Shepard, you tortured him."

Tears began to well up in Evelyn's eyes, but they were not tears of regret. She blinked them away angrily and proceeded to raise her voice. "You don't know shit about dealing with batarians, Kaidan! They're soulless bastards who relish in the taking of innocent lives. Who laugh when they shoot the heads off civilians while their children watch. Who kidnap girls and sell them into sex slavery. I’ve seen them torture people for the fun of it. They destroy lives, and not just the ones they take.” Her tiny hands balled into fists. “Don't you _dare_ try to tell me Balak didn't deserve what he got."

"Evelyn, I…" Kaidan started.

"If you don't agree, then get the hell out of my office." She stared him down, her eyes flat and cold.

Unsure of how to respond, Kaidan straightened his posture. "Aye, aye, ma'am," he saluted, pivoted, and left.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes! Sorry (not sorry :P) about the cliff hanger! PS: We're almost caught up with ff.net!


	14. Tread Lightly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evelyn Shepard's worst habit is revealed following her fall out with Kaidan.

The moment the door to Shepard’s cabin swooshed shut, she flung herself onto her bed and began pounding into her mattress with tiny pale fists.

_How could you be so stupid? He was only trying to help._

The tears began to flow rapidly, swelling over her bottom lids and dripping down her face.

_He’s right you know. Your actions today **weren’t**_ _like you at all._

Evelyn’s breath hitched in her throat and she coughed as she continued to sob, her mascara leaving a dark trail of evidence down her cheeks.

_And if things **had** gone wrong, he could have ended up dead because **you** weren’t thinking clearly. What kind of a commanding officer are you, anyways?_

Her lamentation continued awhile longer, ugly and full of mucous. She cried so hard that her head began to pound. Once her weeping finally subsided, Evelyn grabbed her N7 glass and bourbon, pouring herself a double shot. She threw it back and poured a second without hesitation. The whisky burned as it traveled down her throat, leaving the desire for more as it trickled down. Evelyn knew she was a light weight and would have to slow down unless she really wanted to hate herself tonight, so she sipped the second glass as she reluctantly began writing up the reports from the heinous mission earlier that day.

* * *

The steel door slid behind Kaidan as he left Shepard’s quarters. He gulped, looked down, and started to walk away, thinking _what the hell just happened?_

Before his train of thought could continue, he ran smack into another small-framed marine. “Hey, LT, care to watch where you’re going?” Ashley jokingly chided.

“Yeah, sorry,” Kaidan replied, his voice hushed and rushed, his distracted state on full display.

Ashley looked behind Kaidan, realizing he must have just come from Shepard’s cabin. “I take it you tried to check in with the Commander?”

“Yeah,” Kaidan sighed. “It didn’t exactly go well.” Kaidan didn’t want to talk about it with Ashley, excused himself, and headed up to the cockpit to see Joker. Copiloting was exactly what he needed right now – something and someone else to keep his mind busy.

* * *

Shepard hoped to hide in her cabin all night, but unfortunately the alcohol she consumed had finishing running through her; she had to use the restroom.

Evelyn picked herself up, stumbling slightly as she got out of her chair. She hadn’t realized how intoxicated she was until she stood.

She peered cautiously out of her cabin and into the mess. _Good,_ she said to herself. _No one is out here._

She deftly swept through the mess and over to the women’s restroom, pausing at the door.  She could hear an alto voice humming inside and rolled her eyes. Shepard knew she didn’t have a choice, and prayed that whoever was in there wouldn’t notice or bother her.

Any hope Evelyn had of entering the bathroom unnoticed was gone the moment the door swished open, its sound piercing the silence.

“Hey, Commander,” Ashley greeted as she towel dried her hair.

Evelyn knew if she spoke it would likely give away her inebriated stated, and chose to nod instead. Unfortunately, she lost her balance from the simple motion and stumbled on the wet floor as she attempted to approach the toilet. 

Ashley caught Evelyn, saving her from collapsing to the ground. “Woah, woah, hey, Skipper. I’ve got you.”

“Thanks,” Shepard blubbered out.

“Geeze, Shepard, how much have you had to drink tonight?” Ashley inquired as she helped Shepard across the slippery surface and over to the stainless steel commode.

“Enough,” Evelyn simply replied as she shamelessly took care of her business. She hoped Ashley would drop it there.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ash asked sincerely, her brown eyes worried and dark.

_No, I don’t. I don’t want to talk about it. “_ Actually, yeah.” Evelyn’s voice contradicted her thoughts.

Once they were finished in the bathroom, Ashley made sure no one was in the mess and helped Shepard into her cabin. She then ducked out for a moment to grab Evelyn some much needed water, as well as a few granola bars from her private stash to share.

“You’re gonna need something in your stomach, Skipper, and these are a hell of a lot better than rations,” Ash stated as she unwrapped one and handed it to Evelyn.

“Thanks, Ash.”

For a while the two sat in silence as Shepard hydrated herself and slowly ate the granola bar. Finally, Ashley spoke up again. “So what’s bothering you more: the way things went down today, or the way a certain staff lieutenant handled it?”

Evelyn exhaled audibly. _Does Ashley know something is going on between Kaidan and me?_

“Don’t play dumb, Shepard. I know you and Kaidan have something between you.” Ashley answered her question as if she had said it aloud. “So, which is it?” She pried tenaciously.

Wetness began to well up again in Evelyn’s eyes. “Both,” she plainly stated, blinking the tears away, desperate to hold them back. “I didn’t act like myself at all today, and when Kaidan tried to talk to me about it, I pushed him away. Why would I do that?”

“Because you’re human,” Ash empathetically replied without hesitation. “Geeze, Shepard, cut yourself some slack. You made a mistake, we have _all_ done that. Thankfully, everything turned out ok.”

“You’re right, thanks, Ash.” Evelyn sighed. “I just don’t have a clue what to say to Kaidan.”

Ashley chuckled. “Sorry, Skipper, can’t help you there. I’ve never been good with men. I’m the queen of pushing them away.”

Evelyn smiled and let out a chortle. The two laughed together for a few moments, breaking the tension in the room. Shepard ended the silly fit with a loud yawn.

“Should I leave you to sleep it off, ma’am?” Ashley asked.

Shepard yawned again before she could respond. “That would probably be a good idea. It seems I have reached the “drowsy” phrase of drunken Shepard.” Ashley raised an eyebrow, curious. Shepard giggled and continued. “But that’s a story for another time.” Evelyn smiled, grateful that she had run into Ashley. “Thanks again, Chief.”

“Don’t mention it, ma’am. I know I won’t.” Ashley winked as she headed out the door.

* * *

 

Kaidan woke up the next morning feeling rested, but not remotely refreshed. He showered, pulled on his fatigues, and quickly devoured his breakfast, keeping his back turned to Shepard’s cabin, just in case she emerged. He didn’t linger in the mess hall, but instead pointedly headed straight up to the cockpit after he finished eating.

Everyone in CIC was at their normal stations, but there was no buzz of work. Instead, much of the crew was muttering, confused. Pressly shook his head and headed downstairs, passing Kaidan on his way.  Joker was, as always, already in the pilot’s seat, and turned around when he heard the footfalls behind him.

“Oh, hey, LT,” a look of disappointment passed across Joker’s face. He turned back around to face the void.

Kaidan joked lightly back, “What, no good morning?” Joker didn’t laugh, causing Kaidan’s demeanor to shift. “What’s going on up here? Why is everyone acting so weird?”

Joker turned his head towards Kaidan as the biotic sat in the copilot’s seat. “No one has heard from or seen Commander Shepard since we got back from the mission yesterday. We’re just sitting here on Terra Nova, fully fueled and ready to go, but we don’t know what our orders are.”

An empty feeling filled Kaidan’s stomach. “Oh.” He simply breathed out.

Joker spun his chair, facing Kaidan entirely. “You wouldn’t happen to know something about that, would you, Lieutenant?” the pilot pried.

Kaidan bumbled, trying to think of how to respond, but Ashley appeared behind him before anything coherent came out. “Oh, he totally does.” She accused. Ashley patted Kaidan on the shoulder and changed her tone to a softer one. “You should go talk to her.”

Kaidan scoffed at Ashley’s suggestion and shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. _She’s_ the one who kicked me out last night.”

Ashley rolled her eyes. “That was last night, LT. This is this morning. ‘If at first you don’t succeed’…”

“Yeah, yeah, ‘try, try again,’” Kaidan responded, waiving Ashley off. “Alright, Chief, I’ll check in with her, but if it goes south, you’re on clean up duty.”

“I’ll take that bet,” she declared as Kaidan started walking back through the CIC. “It’s better than seeing you all grumpy!” she called behind him, laughing afterwards.

By the time Kaidan reached Shepard’s cabin, Pressly was on his way out. Kaidan stood at attention and gave his XO a salute. “Any updates, sir?”

Pressly politely saluted Kaidan back and relaxed his posture, indicating for Kaidan to do the same. “We have our destination. We’re headed to Noveria. Should take a couple of hours to get there. Shepard hasn’t decided who she’s bringing with her on the ground team, yet. She said they would have plenty of time to get ready, though.”

“Aye, sir,” the staff lieutenant nodded, acknowledging the update. Pressly took one step forward and stopped just next to Kaidan, barely an inch between their shoulders. He looked forward as he spoke lowly. “Tread lightly, Alenko.” With those few words, the navigator headed back up the stairs to his post.

Kaidan took the words to heart; he knew Pressly and Evelyn were close, and that the navigator could probably sense what was going on between the two. The last thing he needed was a superior officer becoming protective of Evelyn and aware of his relationship with her; Kaidan feared that Pressly would report them if he had even the slightest feeling the regulations were being broken and their feelings affecting the mission – or rather, their Commander.

The handsome biotic swallowed his pride, stepped up to her door, and knocked his usual three times. After a brief pause – longer than the usual – the door slid open.

Evelyn sat on the edge of the bed still dressed in her usual night clothes, her pale fingers gently rummaging through her tangled red locks. “Kaidan,” she breathed, relieved. “I was hoping you would come by.”

His posture relaxed as he cautiously closed the distance between them. He noted the empty bottle of bourbon and the small discoloration at the bottom of the glass sitting next to it. Evelyn rubbed her blood shot eyes before continuing to speak. “I need to apologize to you,” she softly declared.

Kaidan stopped moving at her last statement. _Apologize to me?_ He swallowed, worried. _What for? Is she... is this her way of letting me down?_

“You’re right.” She confessed, putting Kaidan at ease. “I wasn’t myself yesterday. And the call I made could have gotten you killed. You have every right to be angry with me.” Evelyn’s eyes trailed down to her feet and she closed her eyes, nervously awaiting his response.

Kaidan hated to see her melancholy, but at the same time, her current sympathetic attitude was much more characteristic of her, which was a relief to him. _She’s back._

“I lost my cool, made some bad calls, acted out of character, and then pushed you away when you tried to help,” she explained, filling the silence, her eyes and head still afraid to look upon his.

Shepard felt pressure on the bed next to where she was sitting and the warmth of Kaidan’s body close to hers. His strong arm weighed down gently across her shoulders. His hand reached around to her face, and sweetly pinched her chin, providing just enough pressure to urge Shepard to look upon his understanding visage.

“I’m sorry I left,” Kaidan conceded.

Her shimmering silver eyes met his sincere ones. “Don’t apologize. I all but ordered you to leave. I didn’t give you a choice.” She swallowed. “ _I_ was wrong.” She shook her head. “God, we even had a conversation about moments like yesterday just before deploying.”

“Hey, shh,” Kaidan warmly squeezed Shepard and pulled him into her chest. “It’s ok. I’m not mad. You just…scared me.” He caressed the back of her head, moving his rough hand over her tangled tresses.

She looked up at him, their faces close, but pulled back without kissing him. “I know.” Shepard rubbed the back of her neck much like Kaidan tended to. “I didn’t expect to react to seeing a batarian that way. Rather, batarian _terrorists._ Now that I know, I’ll take steps to be more aware of my actions and do better next time. I’ll learn from it.”

Kaidan sighed and put his palms down on the bed, leaning back on his arms. He smiled, “that’s all that matters, then.” Evelyn laid back on the bed next to him, gazing at the ceiling. Kaidan moved to match her posture, supine on the firm mattress. “It sounds like you’ve seen some awful things,” he thought out loud.

Evelyn shook her head. “’Awful’ doesn’t even begin to describe it.” she exhaled heavily, her stomach visibly rising and falling. “Even before Elysium, I saw things. I was 16 when the raid on Mindoir happened, and the ship my mother was serving on went to try to help. The ship arrived too late. The marines got pinned down, unable to help, and forced to witness the horrors that happened there. None of them came back the same. People I knew, was close to and respected, were forever changed that day…If there had ever been a doubt in my mind about joining the Alliance before that raid, it was erased then. I left for the prep academy on Arcturus less than a month later.” The entire time she spoke, Kaidan simply listened, making note of it all, especially her emotional resilience. Evelyn swallowed hard. “And, Elysium…I just don’t want to talk about right now. You heard the highlights yesterday, anyway.”

“Then don’t,” Kaidan breathed, rolling over to see her face. Her dark red brow was lightly furrowed, and makeup had yet to be put on her face. _Even first thing in the morning, she’s gorgeous._ He wanted nothing but to kiss her at that moment, but knew it was not a good time; they were supposed to be on duty. In order to restrain himself, he sat up on the bed. “I had better let you get ready,” he voiced with a sigh. He longed to stay in bed and hold her all day, but they would be at their next destination soon.

Evelyn sat up next to Kaidan. “Thanks again for coming by,” she beamed, her pink lips happily turned upwards. “I feel so much better already.”

Kaidan reluctantly stood and headed for the door. “Glad to be of service, ma’am,” he grinned, saluting her as he left.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, yay, they fixed things! I can't ever have them mad at each other for long. ^_^
> 
> We are now officially caught up with ff.net -- and just in time for the newest chapter to be posted tomorrow! By the way, I tend to update with a new chapter weekly.


	15. Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard returns from Noveria injured and later has a conversation with Kaidan, who reveals some of his emotional wounds.  
> 

Kaidan returned to the Normandy, guilt ridden. A terrible migraine developed as they ran around the Noveria’s Port Hanshan trying to acquire a garage pass, and using his biotics during the fight in the Synthetic Insights office pushed it over the edge. Shepard ordered Kaidan to return to the ship to get some rest and medication, and left the port for the labs in the mountains without him. As much as he wanted to go with Shepard, he knew she was right to order his return.

The medicines for the migraine knocked Kaidan out rather quickly, and he awoke several hours later in the med bay, feeling rather groggy. Dr. Chakwas sat at her desk reading a medical journal. The silence in the infirmary made it clear Shepard hadn’t returned from her mission yet. Kaidan grumbled as he sat up in the bed, alerting the doctor to his newly awakened state.

“Feeling better, Lieutenant?” Doctor Chakwas inquired.

Kaidan nodded his head slightly. “Yeah, much. Thanks.” He hopped off the bed and headed towards the mess hall – he was starving. He rummaged through the cabinets and found his preferred flavored protein shake – chocolate. He quickly guzzled it down and headed down to the armory to check on his weapons and planned to chat with those who dwelled on the lower decks.

He headed for his locker after exiting the elevator and typed his PIN on the lock-pad. The locker made a clicking sound indicating it was unlocked, Kaidan opened the cold metal door and pulled out his favorite pistol, the Stiletto. He had picked up a new upgrade at the port and hadn’t had a chance to install it yet.

The comm speaker turned on just as the Kaidan completed his weapon’s maintenance and modification. There was excess noise, insinuating commotion in whatever room the transmission was coming from.

“Lieutenant Alenko!” the doctor’s accented voice exasperatedly ordered, “You’re needed immediately in the med-bay for assistance!” Kaidan shoved his gun into his locker, closed it, and ran for the elevator, which Garrus dutifully made sure was ready for him.

Both Shepard and Liara had been injured on Noveria. Kaidan already hated that he couldn’t be there, but seeing Shepard injured made him feel considerably worse. _It’s not like you could have prevented this. If anything, she could have been worse off because you would have been distracted,_ he reminded himself.

The doctor thanked Kaidan for coming and asked him to please tend to Shepard’s wounds so she could take care of Liara’s. Wrex, who had been down there with Shepard and Liara, grumbled something incoherent and left the med bay, shaking his head angrily. He looked like he was ready to explode.

Kaidan immediately focused his attention on his commander, who sat slumped over on the bed, her right arm limp and visibly out of place. Kaidan laid concerned amber eyes on her, “What happened down there, Shepard?” His gaze lowered. There was a hole in her armor close to the collar bone, adjacent to her injured arm. Sloppy medi-gel oozed out of the hole, likely applied by Shepard’s non-dominant hand in a rush.

Evelyn’s voice was gruff as she filled Kaidan in. “Short story, I got thrown by an asari Commando and I think my arm is dislocated. While I was down, I got shot just under the collar bone. The longer version, I’ll have to tell you later,” she winced as she tried to remove her armor. 

 Kaidan swiftly and gently moved his hand over hers, stopping her from continuing to fumble with her armor. “Here, let me get it.” He gingerly removed the pieces from her arms and chest; their absence made the severity of her injuries was more apparent. Her arm was completely out of its socket and blood dripped down her chest, staining her navy-blue camisole. Kaidan retrieved a wash cloth, saturated it with warm water, and gently dabbed off the blood on and around Evelyn’s wound. His strong hands were surprisingly soft and soothing as they guided the cloth over her cold, sweaty, blood-stained skin. The trail of blood led from her collarbone down her chest, and the pair sat in silence as he cleansed her skin, both of their faces slightly blushing from the contact with a rather personal area. 

Once Kaidan finished removing the excess blood, he applied a new dose of medi-gel to the gash and delicately wrapped it with gauze and medical tape. “Thanks, Kaidan,” Shepard whispered sheepishly, her heart beat elevated from his touch. Evelyn saw Dr. Chakwas approach them, and her heart raced even more. 

“What is THAT?” Shepard exclaimed, pointing with her good hand at the syringe in the doctor’s hand. She shifted uncomfortably away from the individual bearing the needle. 

“It’s a local anesthetic for your shoulder. We’ll need to pop it back in.” Doctor Chakwas stated matter-of-factly. Shepard’s widened eyes fixated on the needle, sweat gathering on her forehead. 

Kaidan let out a slight chuckle, “Wait - don’t tell me you’re afraid of needles, Commander.” Evelyn’s silence, quivering lips, and dull stone-colored eyes gave away the answer. Kaidan moved between the stressed Shepard and the doctor. “Hey, it’s ok,” his husky voice comforted her. “Just focus on me. Don’t look at it.” His amber eyes, warm and inviting, met her desperate grey ones. She lost herself in his orbs for a moment, inspecting the details of his golden irises. The next thing she knew, her arm was numb. Kaidan smiled wholeheartedly, happy to provide her comfort. Shepard returned his smile with a grateful one of her own.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, Shepard was glad to finally be out of the med bay. She called the much needed debriefing and spoke with the council, who informed her of a long-shot for more information – Virmire. Having explored all other leads and still lacking information, Shepard decided that though it seemed unlikely they would find anything, it would be their next destination. Any lead was better than blindly looking around the Terminus systems at this point.

Typically Shepard would have made her rounds with the crew after the meeting, but tonight she wandered straight into her quarters. She had already spoken to Liara in depth while they recuperated in the sick bay, and felt talking with the others could wait. She fought the urge to plop down on the bed; she could hurt her arm if she landed wrong. Instead, she slowly bent her knees and lowered herself to sit on the edge of the bed. She leaned back gently, and upon becoming supine on the firm mattress, her stomach growled. _Shit, you didn’t bother to eat anything,_ she thought. She groaned and started to get back up but the staccato sound of wrapping on the steel door stopped her. _Three knocks. Kaidan._ Evelyn smiled, rolled over to her computer, and remotely ordered the door to slide open. Kaidan stood just beyond the threshold, hands full of food for the two of them. _How did he manage to knock?_ Evelyn wondered.

“I thought we could go over some business over dinner, ma’am.” He stated as he walked in, the door sliding shut behind him.

Evelyn chuckled. “You noticed I hadn’t eaten, did you?”

“I notice everything about you, Shepard,” Kaidan winked, his husky voice flirtatious.

Her heart sped up a bit and her cheeks flushed pink. “Is that so, Lieutenant?” she smiled back coyly.

“Absolutely, Commander.” He placed the trays on the table and waltzed over to the bed, offering one of his rugged hands to help her up. She placed her pale delicate one in his and grinned as he pulled her off the bed, supporting her with his other arm. Their bodies temporarily pressed against each other, hearts beating quickly. Evelyn looked up at him, fighting the urge to break regulations. “What was it…you um…wanted to discuss, LT?” She stammered, trying to maintain control and sound business-like.

Kaidan recognized her struggle and took a step backwards, smirking. “Somewhat personal, somewhat work-related,” he stated, his eyes intensely set on hers, not remotely putting her at ease.

She nervously gulped, “Let’s have it.”

Kaidan sighed, relinquishing his farce. “The deeper we get into this mess, the bigger it seems. I’m just looking for an ear. The debriefing wasn’t the right place to say how ridiculous this is. Seems like every other race in the galaxy is wrapped up in their own problems. They don’t want to see what’s coming.”

Shepard relaxed with his change in demeanor – _such a tease,_ she thought. She sighed, “You can’t blame them - Wanting to believe everything will be fine? Sounds like human nature to me.”

“Yeah. I guess some things carry across species well enough. I should remember that after what happened with Vyrnnus...” Kaidan’s gravelly voice trailed off after uttering the turian’s name.

“You mentioned him before,” Evelyn laid sympathetic eyes on Kaidan. “What happened with him, exactly?”

Kaidan shook his head and swallowed, composing himself again before speaking. “You remember I mentioned Rhana?” Shepard nodded. “Well, one day, she reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know?” Kaidan sighed. “Like an idiot, I stood up. I didn’t know what I was going to do…just something.” His hands clenched into fists. “And Vyrnnus lost it. Beat the crap out of me. Kept shouting how they should have bombed us back into the Stone Age. That’s when the knife came up. A military-issue talon. Right in my face. I cut loose...Full biotic kick, right in the teeth. Almost as strong as I can manage now. At seventeen, that’s something.” He looked down, as if ashamed. Evelyn could tell by the pain in his visage what the outcome had been.

“That kick…it killed him, didn’t it, Kaidan?” Her grey eyes were wide and sympathetic. Her gaze flickered briefly from his amber pools to his strong hands as he placed them on the table.

“Yeah,” he exhaled. “Snapped his neck. They probably could’ve saved him, if they got him to an infirmary quick enough. But they didn’t.” Kaidan hid his eyes from her, steadying his gaze on his hands. His posture stiffened, bracing himself for her reaction.

Shepard wanted nothing more in this instant to take his hands in hers, to intertwine her fingers with his. She settled for placing her palms on the table inches away from Kaidan’s. The energy between their closeness would have to suffice as they were on duty. “Kaidan, you tried to help someone you care about. You couldn’t have possibly known that the rest would play out that way.”

Kaidan stretched his legs under the table, accidentally brushing them against Evelyn’s. He stopped moving and kept his legs out straight to relish the brief contact. Shepard blushed and slowly pulled hers back, purposely drawing it out. Kaidan grinned, please by the brief contact, but mostly relieved from her words that came before. “You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that, Shepard,” he confessed. “I still can’t believe how comfortable I am with you.” His amber eyes met her silver ones.

“Why do you say that, Kaidan?” _What is he talking about? Is he not this confident around women usually?_

“After BAaT, I went through some tough times with women.” He admitted. “They made me hesitant and unsure of myself as far as relationships went.” Evelyn’s glowing eyes invited him to tell her more. “Rhana was afraid of me after I killed Vyrnnus and we never spoke again. That stuck with me, and I decided to not tell anyone I dated about my biotics.” Kaidan pulled back his hand and ran his fingers through his hair. “The first girl I dated after BAat, Marissa, was intense. Everything was over the top with her, and things moved fast. We had been intimate a few times, and I thought things were going well enough to tell her about my biotics.” He swallowed. “She pushed me away, called me a monster, and told me to never speak to her again.” Evelyn’s silver orbs were wide with sadness – she couldn’t believe someone would treat him that way. Before she could respond, Kaidan continued. “So then I decided it best to keep my biotics a secret. I dated around for a while, but it was hard hiding something so important, so most relationships didn’t last. Then there was Laura. We dated for over a year, and when I started to seriously consider our future, I realized we couldn’t have one if she didn’t know.” He exhaled heavily. “When I finally told her, she got defensive. She couldn’t believe I kept something so big from her for so long, said she wasn’t sure if she could trust me. When I explained why, including what happened with Vyrnnus, she called me a murderer and ran away crying.” He gazed down at the table, where his hands had settled again.

Evelyn laced her fingers together to keep from touching his, longing to console him with her touch with physical contact. “Kaidan,” her breathy voice beckoned his eyes to meet hers again. “I’m so sorry you were treated that way. You didn’t deserve that - any of it. You’re a good man. You’re not a monster. You deserve to be happy.” She laid out each statement like a piece of evidence. “Your biotics _save_ lives. Remember that.”

Kaidan yearned to lean across the table and kiss Shepard intimately; the words she said brought him long needed comfort. He knew they were already dancing the line with their brief touch, and fought back the urge to do anything that could really get them in trouble while on duty. “Thank you, Shepard,” he whispered, his golden pools exploring her silver ones, noting the sparkle and smile in her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter stands between you and NSFW land. XD


	16. Requiem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan deal with Ashley's death.
> 
> WARNINGS: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is non-linear. Time stamps are provided at the beginning of each section for clarification. It's a bit longer than my chapters tend to be, but I just couldn't take anything out and didn't want to break it in two.

 

**[02 JUNE 2183 - 1800 HOURS]**

Kaidan hadn't seen Shepard anywhere since they returned to the Normandy from the battle on Virmire. The routine of putting away his weapons and armor downstairs earlier had been painful; Ashley was supposed to be there, but she wasn't, and wouldn't ever be again. Kaidan couldn't help but feel partially responsible for that. The thought that his relationship with Shepard could have had anything to do with her choosing to save him ate at him. During the debriefing he fought the urge to ask, knowing it wasn't the appropriate time or place. He lingered when she dismissed the others, but when Evelyn asked Joker to connect her to the council without even looking at Kaidan, he knew he needed to leave and would find her later.

He headed down to the mess, where most of the crew poked at their food. Kaidan didn't have an appetite either, but his biotic fueled metabolism insisted he ate. He kept his eyes peeled, waiting for Shepard to emerge or head down to her quarters, but he never saw her. After finishing his meal, he headed back up to the CIC. He claimed to be going to check on Joker, but in actuality was looking for Evelyn. He made his way through the large room, noting the lack of her presence as he approached the cockpit and his pilot friend. Joker's eyes were trained on the abyss, his hands tighter on the controls than usual. His jaw was clenched, and his eyes heavy. Kaidan swallowed a lump of guilt in his throat. "Hey, Joker," he said, leaning against the pilot's chair.

Joker didn't move a muscle as he quietly replied to Kaidan, letting out only a simple hushed "hey."

_I'm going to be here awhile,_ Kaidan realized as he sat in the empty co-pilot's chair. Ashley and Joker had grown close; Kaidan had wondered if Joker might have been interested in Ashley, and Joker's current state insinuated the biotic was correct. As much as Kaidan wanted to find Shepard, he couldn't walk away from the friend who was suffering right in front of him. _I'll find her later,_ he decided.

* * *

**[02 JUNE 2183 - 1930 HOURS]**

The sound of Ashley's voice played over and over in Evelyn's mind as she wrote up her mission report from Virmire.

_Not so fast LT…I'll go with the salarians._

_Why is it that whenever someone says "with all due respect" they really mean "kiss my ass?"_

_Well, this is it. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone, LT. You too, Commander._

_Yeah, I just…good luck._

_I don't know it's just weird...I've got used to working with you, all of you._

… _It's been an honor serving with you, Commander._

Evelyn picked up the nearly empty bottle of whisky and pressed it to her lips. The warm liquid no longer burned as it traveled through her bourbon coated throat. She set the bottle back on the desk at a snail's pace, careful to set it down properly – she didn't want to spill any, after all. Shepard closed the applications on her computer – a draft of the report was complete, but she knew better than to pass anything up the chain of command that she had written in such an inebriated state.

_We'll never make the rendezvous point in time!_

_Screw that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko!_

_You know it's the right choice, LT._

With ease, she slowly turned the chair around and slumped off of it and onto the bed, face-first. She rolled over, and the room began to spin. Evelyn groaned and sat up in defiance of the vertigo. Her eyes fell on the chair where Ashley had sat the last time she was drunk. Evelyn envisioned her departed friend sitting there shaking her head.

Evelyn relaxed her heavy eye lids, allowing tears to stream down her cheeks. She took in a deep breath, attempting to keep as calm as possible, but her mind had other ideas.

_I have to ask you, though…_ Ashley's voice tainted her thoughts. _Can you honestly tell me that your feelings for Kaidan had nothing to do with your choice to save him and not me?_

Evelyn shook her head. "No," she whispered. "They didn't," she attempted to convince herself.

_Don't lie to me, Commander._

"I had to make sure the bomb went off," Evelyn stated quietly to herself.

_But Kaidan volunteered to go with the salarians before I did. Why did you send me and not him?_

Evelyn slightly raised her voice to the ghost. "Because he's technically minded. You were right when you said I needed Kaidan on the bomb." Shepard couldn't allow this discussion to end this way, and after a few moments, she reiterated her last words to Ashley. "I'm sorry, Ash. I had to make a choice." The tears flowed more freely now, dripping from her pointed jaw and saturating the covers of her bed.

_I understand, Commander. I don't regret a thing._

Evelyn stretched for the bottle and began to polish it off. Her mind wandered back to earlier that day to a simpler time, which felt an eternity ago.

* * *

**[02 JUNE 2183 - 1100 HOURS]**

Pressly's chuckle rang through the CIC. He waved at Evelyn to come over, and she approached to see what was causing him to be so jovial. His daughter, Charlotte, on the screen for a video call. Charlotte is Shepard's age and the only friend she kept up with through all her moving around as a child. Eventually, they attended the Alliance Prep Academy together, where Charlotte chose to specialize in infiltration as opposed to Evelyn's choice of engineering. Her long tight curls filled the remainder of the screen. She had her father's eyes and smile. "Evelyn! I was hoping I would catch you! God am I jealous you and my dad are serving together!" Charlotte beamed; she had always been so cheery. "We have to get find some time to get together. Be sure to tell me when you have your next leave scheduled!"

"You bet, Charlie," Evelyn replied. Only Pressly and Sheapard were allowed to call Charlotte that. "I have so much to tell you…" Evelyn grinned as her voice trailed off.

"I'll bet, Miss First-Human-Spectre." Charlotte teased. "Anyways, I have to get back to duty. Love and miss both of you!"

Evelyn patted Pressley on the shoulder and thanked him for including her in the call. He responded by reassuring her "anytime," as she walked down the stairs to the mess, where Kaidan was fiddling with his console.

Shepard walked up to Kaidan, catching his attention with his voice. "We should be reaching Virmire soon. I want you and Williams in the Mako with me," she stated her order.

Kaidan stood up straight and faced Shepard, giving her a nod and "aye" in acknowledgement. "We're getting so close now, Commander. I can feel it. The Council will have to mobilize around us once we present all the evidence." A twinkle filled his topaz orbs.

"I wish I had your optimism," Evelyn folded her arms across her chest. "I mean, I agree with you, but I just have a bad feeling about this mission…"

"Too many unknowns?" Kaidan's tone indicated a question, though he knew what her response would be.

"Too many unknowns."

Kaidan had quickly learned that Evelyn preferred to be over prepared for everything. One night at dinner, the crew mentioned going out for karaoke the next time they were on leave. Joker recalled Shepard's love of music and thought she might enjoy it. She immediately back pedaled and reminded people that she practiced her instrument for hours before performing; karaoke made her incredibly nervous. Shepard knew there would always be unknown entities for missions, but preparation and having as much intel as possible gave her a sense of comfort. With this mission, the Council had simply said something along the lines of "something might not be right. You should probably go check it out," with nothing else to go on.

Out of nowhere, Kaidan spoke again. "I've never met a woman like you."

Evelyn rubbed her face to hide the blush she could feel on her cheeks. She wasn't sure where his line of thought had taken him to say that in the middle of the mess, or even what exactly he meant by it, but her immediate reaction was to turn bright pink. The earnest glow in his eyes spoke without volume – he meant it just as Evelyn perceived it – as a flirtatious remark. Evelyn glanced around the empty room before replying. "You haven't had the easiest life, either, Kaidan – but I like the man it's made of you."

Kaidan grinned broadly and straightened his posture. "Careful Commander, you'll make me blush."

"Who says you get to have all the fun?" Shepard replied with a slight giggle.

Kaidan's amber eyes pierced into her silver ones, sending a shiver through her core. "No bull, Shepard. I want to follow through with this. It's tough keeping it separated from duty. But when the mission's complete, it'll be different. At least I hope so. Ma'am."

Evelyn beamed back at Kaidan. "It will be different. In the meantime, try not to distract me – us - from saving the galaxy."

Kaidan chuckled, "It'll take care of itself one of these days. Or nights." Evelyn blushed again, and Kaidan lips turned up in a smoldering fashion. "Shepard, you are hard to step away from. We'll get this done. The sooner the better."

Before Evelyn could respond, Joker had ended their moment by coming over the communication system and alerting Shepard and the crew that they were 20 minutes out from Virmire; time to get prepped for the mission _._

* * *

**[02 JUNE 2183 - 2030 HOURS]**

Once Kaidan was sure Joker would be alright, he decided to head back down to his station on deck two, knowing he would be more likely to run into Shepard in the CIC on his way there, or on the lower deck where her quarters are located. As he walked back through the bridge from the cockpit to the CIC, he noticed Pressly's stare focused on him. Kaidan met the navigator's gaze and approached him.

"Lieutenant," the older officer addressed Kaidan with a nod. "Have you seen Commander Shepard since the debriefing?"

"I have not, sir," Kaidan replied to his XO in a professional tone.

Pressly's eyes shifted from side to side, making sure that no one was listening to their conversation. He lowered his voice. "You should go check on her. I'm guessing she's in her quarters."

Kaidan hid any reaction from his face while he pondered on how to respond to his superior officer; he could be walking into a trap. Pressly must have noticed the discomfort in the silence between them, and added more context. "The Commander is her mother's daughter," he sighed. "And I know how Hannah Shepard dealt with these situations."

The concerned look in the navigator's eyes told Kaidan everything he needed to know without Pressly having to elaborate; whatever Evelyn's mother did to cope wasn't good and perhaps even destructive. Kaidan nodded in acknowledgement and glided down the stairs to Shepard's cabin, wrapping his usual three times at the door.

A few moments passed and the door did not open, nor did Kaidan hear Shepard's voice. He could, however, hear groaning and fumbling, and finally heard a loud thud, accompanied by a vibration beneath his feet. Without waiting any further, he opened the door to Evelyn's quarters himself and slid inside.

The room was surprisingly filled with music. A slow, grieving, yet beautiful tune, sung by a soprano. Kaidan didn't recognize the song or the language it was sung in, but did not allow his attention to focus on the music for long. His eyes darted around the room, searching for Shepard. Suddenly, another voice joined the one in the recording, though it was muffled and slurred. Kaidan followed the sound to find its source: Evelyn lay face down on the floor next to her bed, empty whisky bottle in hand. _Oh no._ Kaidan had never imagined he would find Shepard in this state and now understood precisely why Pressly sent him down there.

Kaidan stood silent, eyes lingering on her form, as Evelyn raised her upper body from the floor and scooted her back against the side of the bed. Her eyes were trained on the wall in front of her as she dropped the empty glass bottle. She continued to sing along with the song as tears saturated her cheeks.

_She doesn't know I'm here,_ Kaidan froze upon this realization. _Should I talk to her? Should I let her finish singing? Should I approach her?_ A hiccup interrupted his thoughts as well as her singing. Kaidan seized the opportunity. "Evelyn," he breathed as he cautiously approached her.

"Shit, Kaidan," she slurred out, not looking at him. "You weren't….you weren't supposed to see me like this…" her head swung back and forth with long, slow motions.

A mixture of emotions swirled inside of Kaidan. Hurt, concern, sadness, grief. _Why is she doing this? Why didn't she come to me?_ "Why…" he stammered, but stopped himself and paused to make sure he spoke carefully, in a calm and ardent tone, considering Shepard's unusual delicate state. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

Evelyn's flat grey orbs widened with sorrow. "Kaidan, I…" her voice cracked and the words were lost. "I…" she inhaled sharply just before beginning to lament. Kaidan swooped in close to her and held her firmly but gently. For quite some time, they sat on the floor, her pale figure wrapped in his tan one, in total silence. Kaidan hoped for a more coherent answer from Shepard, but she didn't, or couldn't give him one.

Kaidan let out a heavy sigh. "Ok, then, let's start over. What's this song you're listening to, Evelyn?"

Shepard wiped the tears from under her eyes. " _Pie Jesu._ From Faure's Requiem."

"It's beautiful," Kaidan replied. Shepard shifted so that her steel eyes gazed into his. Her lips turned up ever so slightly, which Kaidan absolutely did not miss. He smiled warmly, "What does it mean?"

Evelyn placed her head on Kaidan's shoulder. Her response was whispered almost like a prayer. "Merciful Lord Jesus, grant them rest…eternal rest." She paused for a brief moment, and spoke lightly on her voice, slightly louder than before. "It's a tradition in my family to play this song at funerals."

"So, you're playing it for Ashley," Kaidan squeezed her comfortingly, thankful to have gotten her talking.

"My mother was an alcoholic." Evelyn's admission was sudden and unexpected. "After my dad died, she didn't know how to deal, so she drank."

"Is that why you're doing this to yourself?" Kaidan asked, his voice calm and heartfelt.

Evelyn placed her hands to the floor and pushed herself up, grabbing the bed for support as she stood. "I was never taught how to grieve. This is all I know. Anything I can't compartmentalize, I drink away."

She swayed, her balance waning, and Kaidan stood and stabilized her. "Is this how you dealt with Elysium?"

"No," her eyes met his intense ones for a second before she flitted them away, embarrassed. "My mother took a leave of absence after the incident and was with me until I passed my psych evaluation to go back to work. She wouldn't let me touch the stuff."

Kaidan cupped Shepard's chin and tilted her face to meet his. "How did you deal with it, then?" Kaidan asked candidly, wanting to know so he could help her now.

Shepard responded as if she was laying out evidence. "My mother tried to get me to talk about it, but I refused. I didn't want to talk about it. Not with her. I locked away everything that I could, and the rest, the psychologist eventually got out of me."

Kaidan brought his hands to Evelyn's. "Do you think you would have drank if it weren't for your mom being there?"

Evelyn tore her hands from his and began to pace around the room with a wobbly gait. "Yes…No…Maybe, hell, Kaidan, I don't know. I've only done this a few times. After Mindoir, after Charlotte's mom died, after the mission on that damned asteroid and our fight –"

Kaidan interrupted her. "You did this after our fight?"

Shepard stopped dead in her tracks, her back to Kaidan. _Shit. Did I say that out loud?_

"Shepard, did you drink after I left you that night?"

Evelyn stood frozen in her cabin, she didn't dare turn around to face him. He placed a strong hand on her shoulder and she whirled around, revealing the tears that streamed freely down her face. "I'm so sorry," she breathed.

"Evelyn…" Kaidan embraced her, wrapping her small pale figure his is warm muscular arms. He whispered in her ear. "Just promise me you'll talk to me next time instead of doing this."

After a few moments, her eyes moved up from his dampened shoulder to meet his. "Ok. I promise."

The two returned to their embrace and smiled slightly, relieved, but then Kaidan remembered his original reason for seeking Shepard out this evening. _I need to talk to her about why she chose to save me. But now really isn't the time._

His body stiffened with his thoughts, and Shepard detected the change. "What's wrong, Kaidan?" She pulled back to gaze upon his soulful eyes; they never lied.

_Now isn't the time,_ Kaidan reminded himself before replying. "Nothing that can't wait."

Evelyn could see the sadness and hesitation in his eyes. "I just promised you that I would come to you if I was upset about something. And now you're keeping something from me." Her tone was serious, demanding, and almost accusing.

Kaidan sighed. "You know what, you're right. I'm sorry. I can't expect you to be an open book if I won't." he gulped and nervously scratched the back of his head. "I'm just concerned this topic will upset you further."

"Might as well get it over with then. Make it one bad night instead of two." Evelyn spoke, her logical mind taking over as she started to regain some semblance of being sober. She moved to the foot of the bed and took a seat.

Kaidan stood in front of her and asked the question that had been eating at him in the most businesslike way possible. "Why did you come back for me and not Ashley…ma'am?"

Evelyn had anticipated Kaidan asking this question. Her conversation with Ashley's ghost earlier, as painful as it was, would be helpful now. "Because I had to make sure that bomb went off. I couldn't afford risking you dying and the geth deactivating it."

"Fair enough…but why didn't you send me with the salarians?" Kaidan sat next to Evelyn on the bed.

"You already know the answer to that question, Lieutenant." Her steel eyes met his amber ones with intensity.

"Right," Kaidan sighed. "I have the technical skills needed to arm the bomb."

Shepard nodded, acknowledging that he was correct in that assertion. The silence that followed was long enough to give Evelyn a sense security that Kaidan was done asking questions. As she snuggled up against him, his voice broke her hopes of being in the clear. "You can't tell me that our feelings for each other had nothing to do with you choosing to save me," guilt was thick in Kaidan's husky voice.

Evelyn carefully shot up out of his arms and stared into his amber eyes with intensity. "You're right. I can't. And I never will." Shepard's voice was adamant, serious, and calculated as she repeated her reasoning yet again. "I sent you with the bomb because you have the skills to arm it. I came back for you and not Ashley because I had to make sure that you weren't overwhelmed by the geth, to make sure that the bomb would not be compromised. It had to go off. And it did. The mission was successful." Evelyn balled her hands into tiny pale fists as she tried to fight back more tears from fleeing her eyes. "I hated to leave Ashley behind, but it had to be done."

"You're right, I just..." Kaidan sighed. "I can't believe that Ash didn't make it." Kaidan took Evelyn's hands, peeling her fingers back and lacing his with hers. "I still can't help feeling like she died because of…us. But I'll remember what you said, and in time, I'll come around."

Shepard placed her head back on Kaidan's strong shoulder and took a deep breath, inhaling his comforting spicy scent. No other words were spoken between them that night. Kaidan and Evelyn wrapped their arms around each other in a comforting embrace for the short time left until lights out. He longed to stay with Shepard, but both of them knew it would not be appropriate, especially given the circumstances; they needn't give cause to anyone to think Shepard chose Kaidan over Ashley for personal reasons. As Kaidan left the cabin that night, his mind dwelled on Shepard's words.

_Her logic barely makes it any easier to deal with, but at least we have each other._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out! In addition with struggling with it, I had an insane week at work. The good news is that the next chapter is NSFW. :D


	17. Lockdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evelyn Shepard and Kaidan share an intimate moment during the Normandy's lockdown. 
> 
> This chapter is NSFW for smut!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, you heard me. N.S.F.W. As in, you're finally getting smut for your slow burn fic. (Suffice it to say those of you who blush easily have been warned.) :D Please let me know what you think!
> 
>   
> 
> 
> Art by Geirahod (deviant art).

_Lockdown_. The simple word struck Evelyn at her core. _The council doesn't believe me. They don't trust me. How can I possibly sit in lockdown while Saren pulls the strings to start the end of the galaxy?_ Engrossed in her thoughts, Evelyn wandered over to her locker unsure of why. She collapsed on the floor and leaned up against the ice cold metal, tugging her crimson locks with her clammy fingers. She closed her eyes and sighed, shaking her head. Familiar heavy footsteps approach her and Evelyn turned her grey gaze up to the handsome man towering over her.

"Commander, are you alright?" Kaidan asked in the professional tone he assumed when they spoke in the mess hall, even though no one else was around. "I'm sure there's a way to appeal this, we're under Alliance authority, after all, not the council." Kaidan spoke logically, knowing that this was the type of dialogue that tended to comfort her the most. Evelyn released the grip on her hair, sure that Kaidan didn't want to see her pulling it, and dropped her arms lifelessly to her sides. She took a deep breath before responding; Shepard was angry, though not at him, and was careful of her tone, so as not to take her frustrations out on Kaidan.

"Official channels are closed. They were quite clear about that," Evelyn sighed heavily. "I've tried every route I can think of. The sad truth is, for now, we're stuck here." She swallowed her pride, paused, and folded her legs into a criss-cross position. "You know I'll try to come up with another plan, but right now, I'm so frustrated and need to relieve some stress before I can think straight." Her arms stretched out and up and slowly returned to her lap. "I need you to be there while I figure things out." Her grey orbs met his amber ones.

Kaidan gently rubbed the back of his neck, "You can always count on me, or any of the crew," he responded diplomatically.

The corners of Evelyn's lips turned up somewhat as she shook her head ever so slightly. "Come on, Kaidan, I can get a salute from anyone on this ship." She steadied her gaze into his golden eyes, her smile gone and her expression vulnerable. "Sometimes, I need a shoulder."

"Yeah, well, you know I always leave a way out," he stated sincerely. "I'm here for you, Shepard, but we're in a rough spot, and the last thing I want to do is muddy things." He put one hand to his forehead. "Like it's all that clear to begin with. Are we the pride of the fleet, or not? Are we valued agents, or just peons?"

Shepard was all too familiar with his current state of mind, analyzing every little detail; she had been doing it all day. But right now she needed to shelve her analytic nature so that she could calm down, and hoped for him to encourage her to do so. She shook her head slightly, and placed a hand against her temple. "Kaidan, honestly what I need right now is a good old-fashioned 'it'll be alright.'"

He let out a slight chuckle. "It's that easy, huh? Ok, then." His tone became very comforting. "Everything will be alright, Shepard. You'll figure it out," he consoled her, his whisky-colored orbs meeting her steel ones.

Evelyn shyly smiled and thanked him with a sweet, relaxed tone.

"I could get used to it," he beamed back. "I guess we have some time to figure out exactly what we are, huh…" he extended his hand to hers. She delicately placed her cold, pale hand in his warm, strong grasp. He firmly pulled her up, accidentally using too much force, and her balance tipped toward him. Kaidan caught Shepard in is arms; their hearts beat quickly against each other's chests. Their eyes met, silver into gold, before his gaze moved to her soft pink lips. Her heart quickened as she closed her lids. The two cautiously closed the distance between them, their lips parting as they moved towards each other before finally interlocking softly but fully. The kiss was indulgent but it left both wanting more. Their lips parted just barely and a light gasp escaped both Shepard and Kaidan before they returned their mouths to the place they had briefly left. Desperation quickened the pace of their lips' contact, which was abruptly interrupted when Evelyn broke away. Kaidan's whisky eyes questioned why she had ended their moment, but quickly changed to a hungry gaze when her sparkling silver eyes flitted past him and glanced in the direction of her quarters. She confidently took hold of his rough hand, her body exuding an enticing mixture of innocence and coyness. Devilish thoughts of how he planned to pleasure her raced through Kaidan's mind as he followed Evelyn, who led him decisively to her cabin.

The door had barely closed when Kaidan pinned her to the wall, his hands greedily caressing her toned abdomen through her uniform. Shepard kissed Kaidan fervently as he slid his hands beneath her belt and untucked her shirt. He grinned devilishly as his hands moved under the fabric and up her abdomen, finally touching her skin, not her clothes, truly tracing the ridges of her taught muscles across her torso. Evelyn was pleased with the unfamiliar feeling his slightly calloused hands against her skin caused, and warmth began to pool between her legs. Evelyn's mouth moved to his neck and he groaned as she gently nibbled on his skin. Shepard could feel the vigor of his arousal as Kaidan firmly pressed his hips to hers. She let out a soft moan as the ecstasy and want spread to her belly. The two stopped kissing to draw in a deep breath, and both grinned with joy and relief; they were finally able to be together. Kaidan put his arms up on the wall, brushing over her shoulders, and moved his hips slightly away from her.

"You mentioned once," his husky voice breathed, "that you've never been with anyone before." His wholehearted gaze met her grey eyes.

Evelyn's face instantly turned bright pink. She nervously gulped before sheepishly admitting that it was the truth.

"Not in relationship?" He paused, trying to figure out how to phrase the rest of his question. "Not even…physically?" Kaidan respected Evelyn, and wanted to be absolutely sure he understood exactly what she meant.

"Neither," she plainly stated.

Kaidan couldn't keep his lips from turning upwards. He was amazed that such an incredible woman would fall for him, especially considering she had never allowed herself to fall for anyone before. His eyes glowed golden with a new kind of longing; a hunger and desire to pleasure her body in every way possible.

"Is something wrong?" Shepard's worried tone brought him back from his thoughts.

"Absolutely not, Evelyn," his husky voice reassured her. Kaidan pulled her back in close. "I just want to make sure you're comfortable with this," he whispered sincerely in her ear.

"Kaidan," she pulled out of his embrace, her hands gently wrapped around his muscular arms. Her bright eyes, twinkling like stars, met his amber orbs and she smiled proudly. "I've never been more certain of anything in my life." Evelyn closed the distance between them, her naturally pink lips interlocking with his full ones. Kaidan's erection hardened as he pressed her closer to the wall. His hands moved swiftly down her back, cupped her ass, and lifted her off of the ground. Shepard wrapped her legs around Kaidan's waist and the two ardently kissed as Kaidan carried her to the bed. He gently laid her down and crawled above her, staring fiercely at the length of her body as he moved over her. He admired every inch of it and wondered what she looked like without clothes covering it up. Kaidan straddled her for the briefest moment before rolling over to her side, his body facing hers and aligned with her curves. He placed a hand just above her belt and cautiously moved it down, giving her plenty of time to ask him to stop if she wasn't comfortable. When she didn't contest, Kaidan slid his strong hands under her pants and found her smooth, cotton panties underneath. She let out a soft groan as his fingers explored the area just above her apex, gliding softly along the innocent undergarment. Evelyn breathed his name, her tone begged for more. Kaidan kissed her neck and moved his hands under the last layer of fabric between his fingers and her skin. He was surprised at how smooth it was, noting her preference to keep things tidy and shaved down there. He rolled his hips toward Shepard so that she could feel his hardened member while he gingerly moved his fingers between her folds; she moaned in pleasure from the simple touch. Kaidan bit Shepard's ear lobe gently as he massaged her nub, and could feel her entire body tightening. Evelyn had never felt anything so exhilarating, so pleasurable, in her entire life. Her fingers clenched the blanket on the bed she grew closer and closer to the edge. Kaidan dipped a finger into her soft, wet center and circled it on her clit, bringing her to her climax. Shepard thrashed as she came from his touch, whimpering Kaidan's name. He continued to caress her sex until she pleaded to him, out of breath, that it was just too sensitive. Kaidan was pleased and amused that he was able to make her come with just his fingers, without even pulling out the biotics. He would save that surprise for later.

Shepard was sated and exhausted but wanted to return the favor. She placed her hand on Kaidan's chest and pushed him down firmly, supine on the bed. She rolled over on her side, facing him, her delicate fingers tracing his toned abs through his uniform as they traveled down. Kaidan gasped with excitement as she decisively slid her hand under his belt and brushed her fingers along his hard length. She curled her fingers around his cock confidently and began to pump. Suddenly, their moment was interrupted.

"Hey, Commander? You still on board?" Joker's voice filled the room, coming through comm's speakers. She wanted to ignore him but he continued. "Because if you are, I've got an urgent message from Captain Anderson."

_Shit._ Shepard thought as she released her grip on Kaidan, who groaned with disapproval. "Yeah, Joker, I'm here," she sat up in bed as she replied, hiding any trace of annoyance or disappointment from her voice. "Give me the message."

"He said to meet him at Flux. You remember the place right?" _Of course I do,_ she thought. She couldn't have forgotten the place where Kaidan first kissed her. "Absolutely," she stood and began to smooth out her clothes. "Thanks, Joker."

The moment the comm cut out, Kaidan spoke, unsuccessful at hiding the disappointment and frustration in his voice. "Well, I guess you better go, then."

" _You?"_ She reiterated coyly. "We." She corrected.

"Yeah, ah, about that…" Kaidan shifted in the bed uncomfortably. "I'm going to need a couple of minutes…" he admitted, looking down, his voice trailing off.

"That's fine," Shepard grinned. "My hair is a mess anyways." She winked at him, grabbed her toiletries, and headed out of the cabin. "Meet me in the CIC when you're ready to go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely hope you enjoyed this first NSFW chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! A huge thank you to ms sticha for being my beta! BTW, the next chapter will also be NSFW. You're going to get quite a few of them coming up. :)


	18. Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW for smut - it's the night before Ilos.

Evelyn’s computer, data pads, and floor lights gently illuminated her quarters while she reread all the information she had on Ilos. A simple, traditional table lamp next to Evelyn’s bed provided the just enough extra light needed to read in the absence of the overhead lights. She sat at the table closest to the door of her cabin, its surface covered with neatly organized data pads. She was obsessing over the data, searching any edge she could find in preparation for the mission. Shepard had already been over each report multiple times.

A trio of soft wraps on her steel door brought her from her thoughts. She didn’t realize it until now, but her eyes were slightly burning from staring at screens for too long without blinking. She rubbed her eyes, yawned lightly, and replied, “It’s open.”

The hushed swish and harsh lighting from outside the cabin revealed Kaidan at the door, but Evelyn already knew it would be him from his knock.

“Commander?” He asked as he stepped inside, the door closing automatically behind him.

“I’m not sure you should even call me that anymore…” Evelyn muttered beneath her breath, as she set the data pad down neatly on the top of one of the stacks on the table. She looked up at the approaching handsome lieutenant. “What’s on your mind, Kaidan?”

Kaidan stopped a few feet from where Shepard was sitting at the table. “Just that…it will really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things end up going wrong, well, I just want you to know I’ve enjoyed serving under you, ma’am.”

Evelyn slid her chair back and stood. “Kaidan,” she softly breathed. “So much has happened…and I…” Shepard’s voice trailed off as she took a step closer. A draft from the room wafted his fresh, clean scent to Evelyn’s nose.

Kaidan closed the distance between them. “You did the right thing, Shepard,” his husky voice reassured. “It’s why I’m still calling you ‘Commander.’ Even if you don’t think you deserve it.”

“I sure hope so. It’s just…” Evelyn sighed, erasing the hesitation from her voice and changing her tone to a categorical one. “We mutinied, stole a prototype warship, never mind the fraternization regs. If we’re wrong, it will be the end of our careers.” She gulped and tried not to dwell on how disappointed her mother would be. “That being said, I think we’ll regret it a whole lot more if we’re right and didn’t do anything.”

Kaidan scoffed facetiously, trying to lighten the mood. “I’m sure breach of fraternization protocol will be pretty far down the list at our courts martial.” He was prepared to chuckle if Evelyn did, but instead, he swallowed as she looked down without making a sound. Kaidan glanced over her shoulder at the pile of data pads. “Dwelling on the mission? Trying to find every little detail that could help?”

“Yeah…” Evelyn nodded, unsure of what else to say.

Kaidan took Shepard’s hands in his. “You know what, you're right. About everything.” He looked down, squeezing her hands slightly. “I think about losing you and I can't stand it.” Kaidan looked back up, his whisky-colored eyes gazing into her steel ones. “The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again.” Kaidan paused briefly, swirled his thumbs atop her hands, and swallowed. “But you and I, we are important right now.” Evelyn’s heart skipped a beat upon hearing those words. Kaidan continued, “This is what will never happen again - us. Shepard you make me feel…human.”

Evelyn’s silver eyes twinkled as she focused on the honey colored details in his, noting the earnestness in his orbs. Kaidan, closed his eyes and bowed his head, patiently awaiting her response. Evelyn pressed her forehead to his and wrapped her arms around his waist. He opened his eyes and found hers before him. “Stay here with me tonight, Kaidan,” Shepard whispered, her lips nearly brushing against his as she spoke. She moved her mouth next to his ear. “Please.”

“Is that an order, Commander?” Kaidan asked coyly, his breath warm in her ear.

“I wouldn’t have said ‘please’ if it was.” Evelyn stated as she drew backwards to gaze upon his face. “No games, Kaidan. When we’re together like this, I don’t want you thinking of me that way,” she admitted, her tone completely serious.

Kaidan grinned, relieved and intrigued. She didn’t want a pet – she truly wanted _him._ Her words stirred something primal in him; she was a woman of power, standing vulnerably in front of him and saying _please._ He brought a hand up to caress her cheek, brushing a lock of her crimson hair that had fallen in her face back to its proper place behind her ear. Shepard laid one hand on the back of his neck. Her fingers grazed over his amp port, and moved to play with his dark, coarse hair. Kaidan pulled Shepard closer to him, and their lips connected, sending a spark of need through them. The two passionately kissed, their hands pulling the other in as close as they could. Evelyn tugged at the base of Kaidan’s shirt, untucked it from his pants, and lifted it over his head. She moved her mouth away from his, allowing her gaze to travel down to his sculpted abdomen, where she gently laid her hands. Kaidan kissed her with a hunger; their mouths crashed against each other as Kaidan confidently slid his tongue against Shepard's. She moaned against his mouth and felt the warmth of desire between her legs.

Kaidan didn’t take his lips off of hers as he brought his hands to the base of her camisole and pulled it off in one swift motion. With his eyes still closed, he moved his hands to her back to remove her bra, skillfully undoing the clasp with nimble fingers. Evelyn felt a rush of heat fly to her cheeks as she allowed the undergarment to fall, revealing her bare chest to him. Kaidan moved his lips away from Shepard’s, opened his amber eyes, and moved slightly back, taking in the sight of her perfect, round breasts. His gaze twinkling with an almost boyish happiness like that of a kid opening a gift. Evelyn felt the tip of his erection brush against her, and she pulled him in for another kiss. The dichotomy of his visage and his body language cause heat to pool between her legs.

Shepard stepped backward towards the bed and Kaidan followed her instinctively, a gap never forming between them. Evelyn was so focused on Kaidan - the softness of his lips, the hardness of his erection, the warmth of his skin against hers - that she didn’t realize how close she was to the bed. Her knees buckled as she fell backwards onto the bed. Her naked torso laid supine of the mattress, a sharp contrast to her yoga-pant covered legs, which were folded over the edge of the bed. The low light of the room made her pale skin and breasts almost glow . Kaidan looked at Shepard with a hunger that had to be sated. One side of his lips turned up, his visage insinuating a devilish plan. He glided closer to her vulnerable posture and kneeled at the edge of the bed. Shepard watched him intently, wondering and anxious to see what that smirk meant he had in store for her. Kaidan gripped her ankles and slid his hands up the length of her legs, stopping at her waist. He curled his fingers around the top of her soft grey pants and slowly pulled them down, revealing lavender colored cotton panties with a simple lace waist band. Kaidan moved his mouth to where his hands had started, Evelyn’s ankles, and placed his firm lips to her skin, lightly creating a trail of kisses up her leg at an agonizing pace. When he finally reached the top, Kaidan teasingly kissed the soft fabric between her legs, all around her most sensitive spot - purposely leaving it for later. Evelyn wiggled beneath him. “Kaidan, please,” she begged. He stopped and slid one finger beneath her undergarment, brushing only the inner most part of her thighs. He looked up at her with wicked eyes, and smirked again. Instead of giving Shepard what she wanted, Kaidan removed his hands and moved back down to her other ankle and repeated the painstakingly pleasurable process.

Shepard panted as Kaidan moved, whimpering soft pleads for more. Once Kaidan had reached her apex again, he gently wrapped his fingers around the lace waistband of her panties and swiftly pulled them down to her ankles. An instant later, Kaidan grazed his tongue between Evelyn’s folds. She moaned as her hips moved meet his mouth, which he then temporarily withdrew. His husky voice needed to make a comment. “It looks like I’ve found something you can’t be patient about,” Kaidan accused enticingly. Shepard could barely respond, but managed to breath out a simple “yes.” He chuckled in response, devilishly placed his hands on her hips, and pinned her down. “Say please.” He ordered flirtatiously.

“Please, Kaidan,” Shepard whispered. Kaidan growled in approval and began to swirl his tongue around her clit, his powerful hands keeping her hips down on the bed. Her moaning grew more frequent – she didn’t realize how loud she was getting. Kaidan stopped ravaging her with his mouth and looked up with fire his eyes. He removed his hands from her hips and placed one finger over his lips, signaling for her to be quiet, as another slid inside of her. He resumed licking her center, pressing her down with his one free hand, as he brought her closer and closer to her peak. Kaidan slightly hooked and wiggled his finger inside of her, finding the spot that would send her over the edge. As Shepard tightened around him, her climax eminent, he sucked gently on her nub, causing her release. “Oh, god, Kaidan!” she shouted a whisper as she came. Kaidan slowed the pace that his mouth and fingers moved against her and made her orgasm last as long as possible.

When she was finally done he stood, wiping her wetness from his mouth, and spoke, his voice husky. “Did you enjoy that, Evvie?”

“You have no idea,” she managed to reply. As she took a moment to catch her breath, Evelyn pondered on how they were headed into an unknown danger tomorrow. _This could be my last night with him._ Shepard knew what she wanted – and didn’t want to lose her chance to properly be with him. “Kaidan…” her voice trailed off.

Shepard pulled herself fully on to the bed, and her head hit the pillows. She stared into his amber eyes, “I want you.” Kaidan’s cock twitched involuntarily at her admission, growing harder inside of his pants. “Are you sure, Shepard?” he asked respectfully. She responded with one simple word: “Absolutely.” Kaidan smiled lovingly, light dancing in his golden eyes. He hadn’t been with a woman since he joined the Alliance, but that wasn’t why he was so excited – _she_ was. Finally, after over a decade, he was going to be with a woman who accepted him for who he was and genuinely cared for him. Maybe even loved him. He was certain that he was in love with her, but wasn’t sure if he should voice that yet or not.

Without hesitation, he casually unbuckled his pants and allowed them to fall to the floor, his erection springing forth freely and proudly. Evelyn blushed as the sight of his large, hard cock, knowing it would soon be inside of her. Kaidan walked to the foot of the bed and climbed atop it. He crawled across the length of Shepard’s pale, toned body, planting the occasional kiss along the way. Finally, he reached the head of the bed, and placed his hands on either side of her shoulders and hovered over her. He teased her pussy gently with the tip of his member and enjoyed the sounds she made from the pleasure it caused. Evelyn was so incredibly wet; Kaidan would have no difficulty sliding into her. He positioned the tip of his erection at her entrance and paused. He looked her directly in the eye and with utmost sincerity asked: “You’re positive?”

_Such a gentleman_ , Evelyn mused. There was no doubt in her mind that Kaidan respected and cared for her. A lesser man would have simply taken her without consideration of her past, or rather, lack thereof. She nodded in approval to his inquiry, “Yes, Kaidan, I’m sure.” She smiled, and he beamed back at her. Kaidan slowly eased his member into her incredibly narrow passage, groaning in pleasure as she surrounded him. “God, Evelyn, you’re so tight,” he whispered as he lowered his body even closer to hers. Shepard could feel the weight of his muscular chest on her, and welcomed the safe feeling it brought. The feeling of his slick warmth inside of her was intoxicating and she raised her hips to meet his. Her arms wrapped around him, held him close, and her nails dug slightly into his warm tanned skin.

Kaidan’s thrusts gingerly grew harder and faster until they met a moderate but intensely intimate tempo. The two softly moaned in pleasure, occasionally whispering how incredible it felt to the other. Their hands caressed the other’s skin: hers on his back and shoulders, his on her arms. Their fingers intertwined as Kaidan pinned Evelyn’s hands next to her head. He admitted how close he was to his climax and Shepard wrapped her legs around him. Kaidan paused his motions briefly, knowing he would come inside of her if she didn’t release her hold on him. “Evelyn, I…” he started to object, but she interrupted him. “Kaidan, it’s ok,” Shepard winked. “I’ve had my shots.”

Relieved, Kaidan resumed pumping and in and out of her, bringing himself back up to the indulgent pace they had just been at. He penetrated her at the perfect angle, hitting just the right spot, and Shepard tightened around him. “Kaidan, I’m so close,” she softly confessed. Kaidan increased his speed a little more, and it sent Evelyn over the edge. She whispered his name as she came around him, her walls fluctuating around his cock. In response Kaidan suddenly shuddered, his cock twitching as he spilled himself inside of her, gently moaning her name. Kaidan laid his whisky eyes upon her glowing, smiling face, and wiped the sweat from his forehead before it dripped down. Sated and exhausted, Kaidan gently collapsed on to Evelyn, his weight heavy but comfortable on her strong body. After a few labored breaths, he rolled to Shepard’s side. She turned to face him and draped herself across his chest. Kaidan embraced her, breathing heavily, perspiration adorning his brow. He planted a gentle kiss on her forehead. He started to speak, “That was…”

“Incredible.” The two declared simultaneously, giggling afterwards, amused that they had the same thought.

The two caressed each other’s skin gently and spoke of sweet nothings, soon wishing the other to have pleasant dreams, and drifted off to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew - I hope you enjoyed that as much as I enjoyed writing it!


	19. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long period without updating! I had terrible writer's block and other things messing with me.
> 
> I have started a new fic as well though, and plan to update the two of these alternately weekly. The other fic is called Project Phoenix - it's a mirror verse in which Kaidan replaces Garrus as Archangel. :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! Thank you to all of you who reviewed or encouraged me through my writer's block!

 

The piercing sound of Shepard's strained voice echoed in Kaidan's mind.

_Kaidan – Garrus – RUN!_

"Shepard!" Kaidan shouted again; he had lost track of how many times he called for her with no response.

"Kaidan," Garrus coughed out, "even if she's alive, she can't hear us. Not while we're trapped beneath all this rubble." The turian grunted and the sound of him shifting his weight filled the enclosure. "I know it's hard not knowing if she's alright, but there's nothing we can do right now except wait for C-Sec or the Alliance or whoever to get us out of this mess."

It was dark – pitch black under the wreckage of Sovereign and the Council Chambers. Kaidan's eyes began to water from the cocktail of emotions flowing through him. He was exhausted from such an incredibly taxing mission, proud of their victory, but mostly, Kaidan was worried – terrified – that Shepard hadn't been able to dodge the piece of the Reaper that he and Garrus were trapped beneath. That perhaps, in the time it took her to warn them, she was struck by the massive shrapnel and rendered unconscious – or worse. _At least Garrus can't see me right now,_ he noted.

Muffled voices filtered through the wreckage. Kaidan's heart raced at the sound of potential rescuers. "We're in here!" he called, desperately hoping whoever was out there would hear. Light pierced their cavern, momentarily blinding Kaidan.

"Captain Anderson – over here!" the human C-Sec officer called as he helped Garrus up.

Kaidan's former commanding officer rushed over, and was at his side in an instant. "You alright, Alenko?" Kaidan nodded in affirmative response. Anderson looked around rapidly. "Where's Shepard?"

Kaidan slowly shook his head, negatively this time, but did not speak. He couldn't admit that something could be wrong. Anderson stopped his visual scan and rested his eyes on the distraught lieutenant. Neither of them spoke. As Anderson placed a comforting hand on Kaidan's shoulder, a familiar grunt softly interrupted their silence. The eyes of both men darted in the direction of the sound's origin, and a glimpse of crimson hair was spotted.

_She's alive!_ Kaidan shouted in his mind, relieved, as Evelyn limped toward them. Without hesitation, Kaidan rushed in her direction and offered his assistance. Shepard nodded, and Kaidan took her arm and placed it over his shoulders. He wrapped his strong, able arm around her torso gently – she winced at the light contact. Kaidan's amber eyes scanned her bruised and scraped up form. "We need to get you checked out as soon as possible, Commander."

"I know," she breathed, pained. Moments later, a stretcher appeared and Anderson ordered Shepard to get on it. Evelyn sighed as she obliged, knowing she wasn't in that bad of shape, but also that it was useless to argue with the captain.

"Alenko – accompany the commander and send me updates on her status as soon as possible."

A familiar accented feminine voice interrupted, "and just where do you plan on taking my patient, Captain Anderson?" The dark green uniform of the Normandy's doctor appeared next to Shepard's stretcher.

"Karin," Anderson managed a smile. "How did you get her so quickly?"

Dr. Chakwas folded her arms across her chest. "Easy. Joker told me the Commander was here and that we had lost contact with her. It didn't take much more than a 'I should check her out' to convince Pressly to order Joker to dock."

Anderson let out a short chortle, but stifled it as he spotted Udina, complete with a black eye, in his peripheral vision. "I'll defer to your judgement then, doctor," Anderson stated. "If you'll excuse me."

Kaidan watched intently as Dr. Chakwas scanned Shepard with her omni-tool and gently physically examined her. "Commander, I believe you have fractured a rib or two. Thankfully, your ankle is only sprained, and the scrapes and bruises are nothing you aren't used to. Treatment is medigel and rest. Should I have the medics transfer you to Huerta Memorial?"

Evelyn smiled warmly. "There are many others who need a hospital bed more than I, Dr. Chakwas. I feel it's best if I recover in my apartment on Shin Akiba. I promise to be a good patient."

Dr. Chakwas grinned and responded as she continued to work, expertly applying medigel to Evelyn's wounds. "You have a good point, Shepard, and I trust you. But I would prefer it if someone escorted you to your apartment in a wheelchair - it's a ways from here and you need to stay off that ankle for at least the rest of the day." Dr. Chakwas paused, noticed the attractive and attentive medically trained lieutenant standing nearby. He was within earshot, and might have been trying to look like he wasn't listening to what the doctor was saying to Shepard, but she wasn't fooled. "Kaidan, could you grab one of those wheelchairs and escort the Commander to her apartment?"

"Yes, ma'am," Kaidan acknowledged and turned away from Dr. Chakwas to retrieve the chair, unable to hide the grin that had made its way across his face.

* * *

A comfortable silence settled between Kaidan and Shepard as they rode in the skycab from the Presidium to Shin Akiba. Kaidan caught the orange glow of Evelyn's omni-tool in the corner of his eye, and soon his own tool lit up with a notification - Shepard's apartment's address. Kaidan lips turned slightly upwards as he programmed the location as his next destination. He turned his gaze toward his Commander. Shepard sat there, covered in bandages and loose fitting clothing, her posture relaxed and head bobbing forward. She slid down in the seat further, and rested her head on Kaidan's shoulder. His grin grew wider, and he wrapped his arm around Shepard, grateful that they had made the short detour to the ship to change into regular clothing before heading to Shepard's apartment; his form would not be nearly as comfortable for her to learn on if it were still covered in armor.

Shepard's breathing grew slower and deeper. _Is she asleep?_ Kaidan wondered. He didn't dare ask or move. _She deserves some rest._ It warmed his heart that she felt comfortable enough around him to drift into such a vulnerable state at his side.

Kaidan's suspicion that Evelyn had fallen asleep was confirmed when the skycab came to a stop. Shepard didn't startle or move at all; she hadn't even realized the car stopped. Kaidan silently transferred the credits to the driver for the ride, nodded and smiled in thanks, and gently removed Shepard from the cab, into his arms, and placed her back in the wheelchair. _Thank goodness I have her address,_ Kaidan mused.

* * *

A husky voice cleared his throat, "Commander? We've arrived."

Evelyn snapped awake at the words, her mind rested, but her body sore and tired. "Kaidan…I'm sorry, I must have fallen asleep. Thank you for bringing me here." She began to slowly rise from the chair, careful not to place weight on her injured ankle. Kaidan offered his arm for stability, which she gladly took, smiling meekly with gratitude. Evelyn unlocked the door to her apartment, and turned to Kaidan. Her hands fumbled nervously with each other as her silver eyes darted between him and the space behind him, sparkling with a curious mixture excitement and hesitation.

Kaidan patiently waited as Evelyn opened her mouth to speak and shut it multiple times, trying to find the right words. Finally, her grey eyes locked into his amber ones, and she spoke with confidence. "Would you like to come in? You made the trip all the way down here, after all, and I'm sure need to rest yourself…" her voice trailed off as she awaited his response.

"I'd like that," the words escaped Kaidan before he could even think to curtail them. He grinned widely, _stupidly,_ he thought.

The door to the apartment opened as if on cue. Evelyn carefully limped into the dimly lit apartment and flicked on the light switch next to the door. She took a few steps forward, and collapsed onto the elegant white sectional sofa that filled most of the living area. Kaidan followed behind her and left the wheelchair next to the door, and typed the retrieval code into his omni-tool – someone with C-Sec would retrieve it shortly for those more needing of it.

The apartment was by no means tiny nor massive, but certainly spacious enough for two people to live in comfortably. To the right of the front door was semi-open kitchen area. The wall that separated the two rooms had a large opening with an arch, much like a window without any glass. To the left, a television was mounted on the wall, which had a hallway just next to it and past the back of the sectional. Behind the sectional a study area was visible, along with some empty floor space and small exercise equipment. The back wall was lined with windows, covered by curtains. Kaidan observed this in a quick glance or two before joining Shepard on the couch.

"I'll give you a proper tour soon, but you can see half the apartment from the front door." Evelyn mused.

"It's a nice place," Kaidan commented, smiling warmly.

Evelyn grinned back and let out a chortle. "Thanks, I quite like it here, too. Though the compliment should go to my mother – she's the one who picked it out." Evelyn settled comfortably onto the sofa. "My parents bought it when I was young. My mom and I share it now. With both of us serving in the Alliance, it's rare that we're even here at the same time. And before you ask, no, she isn't here now." Evelyn's cheeks blushed a bit. _I'm alone in my apartment with him and we're not on duty._ "I…" she stammered, "I have to admit, this isn't how I expected I would first invite you over."

Kaidan raised a single eyebrow. "Oh? So you _did_ intend to invite me over, though." Evelyn's face turned nearly as red as her hair. Kaidan grinned, a slight deviousness to it, inched his body flush with hers and draped his arm across her shoulders. "How did you plan to ask me over, then?"

Evelyn sighed. "I mean, I didn't exactly have a plan, but I didn't think Dr. Chakwas would inadvertently play matchmaker either," Shepard giggled. "I can't say I'm disappointed that you're here now, though." Shepard turned her head towards Kaidan, her lips turned upward to a grin. Their faces were close, and she could feel his breath on her skin. His strong, calloused hand gently settled on her cheek, and she buried her face into it, gently kissing his palm. His fingers cupped her chin and brought her face back to his. Ardent whisky-colored eyes bore into her shimmering silver ones, as if searching for permission. To answer, Evelyn simply closed her eyes and parted her lips, but they were not met with Kaidan's full ones. Instead, she felt the heat of his breath on her skin.

"Shepard, I…"

Evelyn batted her eyes and pulled back slightly. "Is something wrong, Kaidan?" Her heart sank, embarrassed, worried, and ashamed.

A sudden knock at the door interrupted their conversation. The security panel next to the door revealed that a C-Sec medic had arrived to retrieve the wheelchair. Shepard shifted and slowly used her arms to push herself up to answer it, but Kaidan placed a hand of her shoulder as he stood. He opened the door, relinquished the wheelchair, and kindly thanked the medic for coming by to get it.

In the meantime, Shepard's heart and mind raced. _Why didn't he kiss me? What was he going to say? What is he thinking? Does he feel we made a mistake? That being together…isn't right afterall? Did he only do those things with me because he didn't think we could survive? What a fool you are, Evelyn._ Pale worry painted her visage, which she turned down to face her lap as she fiddled with her hands. From her peripheral vision, she saw Kaidan begin to move to come back to the couch, but there was another wrap at the door. Evelyn noticed on the monitor that it was Pressly. "Please ask him in, Lieutenant."

Kaidan flinched at the use of his rank instead of his name and responded with a simple "yes ma'am." As the door slid open, shock was obvious on Pressly's face when he saw Kaidan standing on the other side. The lieutenant motioned towards Shepard and stood to the side. "Dr. Chakwas asked me to escort her here. She's been injured. I'll let her explain the rest." He reported professionally. Kaidan turned to face Shepard. "May I be dismissed, ma'am?"

Evelyn couldn't hide the disappointment from her face, but before she could reply, Pressly spoke. "You should hear what I have to say first, Lieutenant. You and Shepard were the only Alliance crew not on board when the Normandy docked, and need to be caught up to speed."

Evelyn straightened her posture. "What's going on, Pressly?" Her brows furrowed, concerned and confused.

"The Normandy's been impounded and the crew has all been placed on administrative leave until everything gets sorted out. I was sent to inform you." Pressly sat on the other part of the sectional. "You'll be receiving a private message soon from Alliance Brass about your hearing; we'll all be having one."

Evelyn nodded. "Of course we will. Even though we were right about Saren and the Conduit, _I_ still stole the ship and will have to answer for it."

Pressly nodded. "Hopefully the fact that we saved the Citadel and the Council will go well for us." He smiled, which would have seemed out of place given the news he had just delivered, but Evelyn knew _that_ smile.

"Charlotte's coming to see you, isn't she?" Evelyn grinned, full well knowing the answer to that question.

"Not just me. She was adamant that she see you, too. She told me to let you know to expect a message from her soon, as well."

Kaidan stood awkwardly by the door as the part of the conversation he had needed to hear had ended, but knew he could not go without being formally dismissed.

Pressly rose from the sofa and headed back the short distance to the door. "Anyways, I should head back to my place. Charlotte will be there soon, as her ship served in the battle as well. And yes, she's fine." He paused slightly before pressing the switch to open the door. "I'm glad to see you're going to be alright, too, Evelyn."

"Thanks, Uncle Charlie," Shepard grinned and nodded, dismissing Pressly. Not a second after the door closed behind him, Evelyn turned to attention back to Kaidan. "Of course, you're dismissed now, lieutenant, but..." her voice trailed off as she, again, searched for the right words to say. As usual, Kaidan patiently waited for her to finish her thought. "Can we talk about what happened?"


	20. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left a review! I'm sorry if I didn't reply - it looks like ffnet is being goofy again about this! I truly appreciate you all though!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter. :) I'm particularly excited about the next one!

"Can we talk about what happened?" Evelyn's soft words pierced the silent apartment, barely more than a whisper, somewhere between confident and nervous.

Kaidan turned his body to face her, sighed, and sat back down next to her on the sofa. "That's probably a good idea."

Evelyn blinked up at him, trying to figure out where to start. A million questions raced through her mind. _Does he regret it? Does he still want to be with me? Does he…love me? Or is he leaving me? Was this all a mistake?_

Kaidan let out a light chuckle as he watched her. "You know you get a certain look when you're asking yourself a million questions and analyzing things in your head, right? Let me help you." Kaidan took her nervous, fidgeting hands into his warm, strong, certain ones. "I don't regret a thing. I'm sorry if I gave you mixed signals a minute ago, I'm just…being my usual cautious self, I guess."

Evelyn smiled slightly. "And I'm being my usual over-thinking self. Good thing we're communicating with each other." She giggled lightly.

Kaidan traced circles on the tops her Shepard's hands with his thumbs. "Yeah…"

The slight crease in his brow and downward angle of his head suggested he was worried about something. Evelyn ceased her light-hearted attitude, matching his seriousness as she spoke. "You're worried about what happens now, aren't you?"

Kaidan nodded. "Aren't you? I was uncertain before Pressly came by, but with the news that we're going to be court-martialed…what if they ask about our…relationship?"

"I won't lie," Evelyn stated matter-of-factly. "But I also won't volunteer any information unless they _specifically_ ask if you and I are romantically involved."

"That's fair," Kaidan admitted. "I wouldn't lie to brass, either. Not that it would do any good. I'm sure someone figured us out. I guess we just have to hope they don't ask, then."

Shepard nodded in agreement before continuing. "We need to be even better about keeping things separate from work when we return to active duty," Evelyn noted. "I still want you on my crew. You're an incredible soldier, Kaidan."

Kaidan smiled widely. "Thanks, Shepard. There's no place I would rather serve than the Normandy. You're right, we'll do better. But for now, we're not on active duty, and I want to take advantage of this time as much as possible…that is, if that's what you want." Kaidan scratched the back of his neck.

Evelyn cupped Kaidan's chiseled jaw in her light fingers, and their eyes met. "There's nothing I want more than to spend my shore-leave with you."

Kaidan's mouth gently met Shepard's. Their lips lingered, firmly but gingerly pressed together. Evelyn's breath hitched in her throat and her heart skipped a beat as Kaidan's hands smoothed across the back of her head and intertwined with her hair. He tugged on her crimson locks gently, pulling her in closer as their kiss grew more passionate.

Evelyn's omni-tool pinged, indicating a new urgent message, but the two ignored it. Seconds later, Kaidan's did the same, and the pair gave it the same lack of attention. Almost perfectly spaced like the first two potential interruptions, a third occurred, this time both their 'tools going off at the same time. The two reluctantly withdrew for air. "You should probably check that," they both stated at the same time, giggling afterward.

The first message they had each received was the time for their courts-martial tomorrow – 1000 hours for Kaidan, 1100 for Shepard. The second was a message both had been copied on concerning personal affects aboard the Normandy. Shepard's didn't warrant a reply; she had everything she needed for leave in her apartment. Kaidan, however, needed his things. As Kaidan's fingers deftly typed out a reply, Shepard raised a single eyebrow. "You don't have a place to stay on the Citadel, do you, Kaidan?"

The handsome lieutenant sent off the message and brought his attention back to Shepard. "No, I usually spend my leave back on Earth in Vancouver." He sighed. "I asked that my things be delivered to C-Sec Headquarters so I can pick them up. I have no idea how long I'm going to be here or where I'm going to stay."

"You can stay here if you want to." The words tumbled out of Evelyn's mouth. No matter what she did, they were out there and couldn't be picked up and shoved back in. Shepard's complexion both paled and reddened; she couldn't believe what she had just said. Kaidan's lack of response and slightly dropped jaw certainly didn't help her embarrassed apperance, either. "I mean, that is, if you want to. You, uh, you don't have to, that is." She bumbled, in an ill-fated attempt to recover the situation.

Kaidan gently gripped Shepard's leg just above her knee. A wicked smile crept across his face, his eyes darkened mischievously. Evelyn's eyes met his for a second before quickly flickering away to her fidgeting hands. She obviously wasn't used to this, was clearly very nervous, and as much as Kaidan wanted to tease her, he knew it would be more compassionate to stow away the coyness and just be honest with her. The deviousness in his smile softened, and his eyes twinkled with joy; he knew her well enough to read her, to know what she needed in this moment. "I would love to stay here, Shepard. Thank you for asking." He took one of her tiny pale hands away from the other and planted a kiss atop the back of her hand. She exhaled, all the tension and uncertainty leaving her body, and smiled widely, full of joy and excitement. Kaidan stood, placing a kiss on her forehead. "There are a few errands I need to run before I can settle in though. I need my stuff, for sure, but I'm also going to stop and pick up some medical supplies to change the dressing on you injuries, as well as something for us to eat tonight and tomorrow morning at least.

Evelyn smiled sweetly. "You don't have to take care of me, you know."

"But I want to," Kaidan said warmly.

As he headed for the door, Evelyn stopped him with her voice. "Before you go, you should check the cabinet in the kitchen closet to the breakfast bar."

Kaidan smiled and headed through the kitchen. The cabinet door squeaked as he pulled it open, punctuated by his chuckle. "There's enough medigel, gauze, tape, and bandages in here to give first aid to an entire platoon!"

The cabinet door closed and footsteps approached Evelyn. Her lips turned upwards. "I figured as much. One less errand for you to run."

Shepard look up towards Kaidan. He planted a gentle kiss on her lips and smiled warmly. "I'm going to be doing that as much as possible, you know."

"What?" Shepard inquired sweetly.

"Kissing you. Everywhere." Kaidan grinned, kissed her on the cheek, and headed out the door.

* * *

Kaidan's boots clanged heavily on the metal floor in the hall outside the apartment. He would be thankful to be inside soon as he was carrying plenty of provisions. They weren't necessarily heavy, but he looked a bit like a homeless person considering he was carrying a giant backpack and bags full of groceries - the layer of sweat, dirt, and bits of dried blood didn't help much either. He clearly needed a shower.

He set one of the bags down gently as he lifted his omni-tool up to the door to unlock it, grateful that Shepard had given him the digital key. The short silence that would usually result from his stopped movement was instead filled with the mellow low hum of what sounded like a string instrument. The muffled sound grew in clarity and volume as the door to the apartment slid open, revealing that Evelyn was not on the couch where Kaidan had left her a few hours ago. He moved as quietly as he placed the bags on the counter, the cold groceries in the refrigerator, and laid his backpack on the arm chair in the corner of the living room. Intrigued, he followed the imperfect sound down the hallway in search of its source. A pause between notes occurred, accompanied by a soft sigh as the notes were repeated in a correctional manner. The door to the bedroom on Kaidan's right was open, as were the windows inside, allowing lilac light from the Citadel to fill and tint the room.

Crimson locks, which Kaidan just now noticed were beginning to grow longer, glowed in the purple light as their owner faced the window, seated in a small oak chair with an ornate backing. A toned feminine arm moved up and down, wrapped around a slender black neck, and the other bowed in and out to the side. The source of the sound was obvious now; Evelyn was playing some sort of instrument.

Kaidan silently, patiently, waited for a break in the music to knock gently on the open door. "May I come in?"

Evelyn turned her head over her shoulder, her silver eyes reflecting bits of violet light, smiled warmly, and nodded, welcoming him in. Kaidan walked around to the other side of the chair. An electric cello, dark purple in color, rested against Evelyn's figure. She set the bow on the window sill and gently moved the cello onto its stand, only a few feet in the corner of the room. Kaidan smiled widely. "I can't believe I didn't know you played. You don't have to stop because I'm here, you know."

Evelyn eased back down into the chair and grinned up at Kaidan, who was now standing behind her. "I can't believe I never told you. And that's alright, I was finished for now anyway. I'm a bit rusty; it's been awhile since I've had time to play. What I could really use right now is a shower."

Kaidan chuckled, scratching the back of his neck. "Heh, yeah, me too. I think some of the people at the store thought I was a homeless guy."

Evelyn placed one hand on the back of the chair, propped herself up, and tousled Kaidan's hair with the other hand. "I don't think I've ever seen your hair this messy, to be honest."

Kaidan laughed, as it was now even messier, and his eye caught the bandage on Shepard's bare shoulder. Dark reddish brown liquid seeped through the white fabric; it needed to be changed. "I need to grab some gauze and tape; your bandage needs changing."

Before Kaidan could head out of the room, Evelyn's voice caught his attention. "There should be some in the bathroom attached to this room." Kaidan couldn't help but laugh; of course the stock in the kitchen wasn't all of her supplies.

Kaidan offered his arm to Evelyn, and she took it. She limped through the room to the bathroom, Kaidan following her gentle lead. The room wasn't large, but the shower certainly was. A gorgeous tiled, walk-in shower, with two heads and a nice bench inside.

"It's practical." Evelyn stated plainly before Kaidan could even react. "If I'm injured, I can sit on the bench, use the hand-held showerhead to clean myself off."

Kaidan laughed. "That doesn't explain the size of it." He smiled coyly.

"Well, I mean, there used to be a tub there. One of those combo shower-tub units. But stepping in and out of those is a hassle when injured, so when I joined the Alliance, I had them take the tub out and just extend the tile down to the floor, so…" her voice trailed off, unsure of what to say next.

"I have an idea," his husky voice breathed as Kaidan supported Shepard. "How about I clean off your wounds in the shower? Maybe even -"

"Join me for a shower?" Evelyn bluntly asked, her neck and face flushing pink.

Kaidan kissed her cheek and whispered in her ear, "sounds perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh, it sounds like things are about to get steamy! XD Buuut I plan to updated Project Phoenix again before this one...sorry! ;) Of course, we'll see how the writing muse works, you never really know!


	21. Steam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I know I've been really bad about writing lately. I'm going through some...issues that are making it hard to write. And the muse is fickle. It's really not the best combo.
> 
> This chapter is pretty short, and a bit NSFW. Originally, this scene was going to be part of the previous chapter (but it would have made it too long) and, well, what happens next just needs a proper chapter break after this section. :) Hopefully I get the next part up sooner than this one.

Kaidan’s warm, rough hands found the straps of Evelyn’s tank top and gently peeled them down, careful to not let the clothes touch any wounds. Her soft pale skin glowed, and the desire to kiss every inch of it became almost more than Kaidan could bear. He sighed uncomfortably. “It feels kind of wrong, you know? I’m trying to tend to your wounds, but looking at you just…”

Shepard turned around to face him, resting her body against his for support, but also purposely leaning in towards him with familiarity and confidence. “Kaidan, you aren’t here as my medic right now. There’s nothing inappropriate about any thoughts you might be having.” She took his stubble-covered chin into her pale, delicate fingers and tilted his full lips towards hers, planting a short, tender kiss on them.

He nuzzled his nose against hers, exhaling his tension away. “If you say so.”

She pulled back slightly, looking upon his face. “I do.” She smiled coyly.

Kaidan’s hands moved to her waist and he carefully peeled her soft grey pants over her hips. His whisky-colored eyes trained on her legs, flitting away only to follow the sound of the soft impact of her bra hitting the floor. He moved his gaze up to find her breasts free and exposed to him. His whisky eyes trailed upward where he found a slight blush and hopelessly innocent expression plastered across Evelyn’s face. Slowly, Kaidan stood, his hands carefully tracing uninjured areas of her torso and breasts. Cool soft fingers hooked inside of his waistband, curled around his shirt, and lifted it over his head. Another soft impact filled the tiled room as his pants fell to the ground. He stepped outside of them, his hands finding Shepard’s last remaining undergarment as hers found his waist.

Golden and silver eyes met as they simultaneously removed each other’s underwear. Their bare bodies carefully, but passionately pressed together, their lips colliding hungrily. Kaidan’s hands cupped Shepard’s bottom and lifted her gently into the air. He placed her on top of the counter, supporting her back with his arms as he stepped in closely and kissed her collarbone, neck, and nibbled on her earlobe. His nose nuzzled the skin just behind her tiny ear as he whispered into it. “Let me get the water started.” 

Evelyn groaned reluctantly as Kaidan stepped away. Her sparkling eyes followed his bare form, admiring the incredible curve of his ass as he walked away from her. He reached towards the shower, opened the clear glass door, and twisted the knob, water hissing as it filled the stall. Kaidan looked back and noticed Shepard leering at him; he chuckled as she blushed and smirked upon being caught. His hand tested the water, turned the knob slightly more, and tested it again. “Perfect,” he announced as soft steam began to fog the glass and fill the room.

He turned to retrieve Shepard from the counter, his arousal evident. As he carefully collected her bruised and currently delicate form, his erection brushed against Shepard’s center, eliciting a breathy gasp from her. Gingerly he carried her into the shower and set her on the bench, closing the now nearly opaque door behind him.

The scent of oranges and ginger filled the steamy shower as Kaidan squeezed some of Shepard’s shampoo into his hands. Carefully, he worked it into a lather and massaged it into her scalp. Shepard moaned quietly; she never would have thought such a simple gesture could be so intimate. Warm water met her head as Kaidan moved the hand-held showerhead over to rinse the shampoo out of her hair, and then grabbed the conditioner.

Once Shepard’s hair was saturated with conditioner, Kaidan took the bar of soap into his hands and glided it across Evelyn’s skin, careful not to put soap directly into her wounds. Warm water followed each area the soap had touched, each wound shielded from it by Kaidan’s other hand.

When he was finished with her, he began to wash himself. Silver eyes followed the movement of his strong hands and the trails the soap and water left along his taut muscles. Evelyn bit her lip gently as heat pooled between her legs – and it was not from the steam.

But Kaidan never made a move on her. Evelyn’s unfulfilled desires left her feeling somewhat frustrated, but her logical side knew why her lover had chosen to keep things more innocent -  _ He doesn’t want to accidentally hurt me. He just wants to take care of me and be here for me.  _ A large grin drew across Evelyn’s face. Intimacy was something she was new at, after all, and the practice of having it without sex was something she found herself enjoying.  _ But when I’m better... _ she wet her lips, keeping her devious thoughts to herself while Kaidan continued to bathe himself in front of her. 

After he washed his hair, Kaidan rinsed the conditioner from Shepard’s. Then he carefully removed her bandages, dropping them to the wet floor of the shower. Kaidan grabbed a washcloth, wet it, and gingerly cleansed Shepard’s wounds. She winced only twice, and each time she did, Kaidan kissed her forehead and apologized for it hurting.

With a twist and a squeak, the hiss of the shower and the flow of the water ceased. Kaidan quickly grabbed the dry towels, closing the shower door quickly behind him to keep as much of the warm steam in the stall as possible.

“Thank you, Kaidan,” Evelyn breathed as he carefully patted her skin dry.

“Anytime, Evelyn,” his husky voice replied.


	22. The Twisted Nebula

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and Shepard meet up after their Alliance hearings (post ME1/pre ME2).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy N7 Day! *throws NSFW shameless smut at you and runs away*

Kaidan sipped his glass of Canadian whisky as he patiently awaited Shepard's arrival at their agreed meeting place for once both their hearings had been completed - a new bar on the Citadel called The Twisted Nebula, located in Shin Akiba not too far from Shepard's apartment and owned by Kaidan's cousin Tristan.

The two cousins had the same hair and eye color in common, and almost looked like they could be siblings. Tristan, however, had softer features than his elder cousin.

For now, Kaidan was just glad to be out from under all of it. Out of combat, out of scrutiny, out of uniform. It was time for a much needed break.

"You sure the first human spectre is really going to find the time to come to my bar?" Tristan teased Kaidan, who had been waiting longer than expected.

"She should be here any minute now," Kaidan reassured as he checked the time on his omni-tool. Unless something went wrong at her hearing...

His worries were washed away as he caught sight of the beautiful red-headed woman enter the bar. Her hair had grown to what certainly was longer than regulation length, now nearly grazing her shoulders. She was clad in a strappy, flowing periwinkle dress which gave her silver eyes a sparkling pastel blue hue. She flashed a smile Kaidan's way as she caught sight of him, and the Alenko cousins' jaws nearly hit the floor at the sight of her; she was stunning.

"Wow, Kaidan wasn't kidding when he said you were even more gorgeous in person than on the vids," Tristan noted, flashing a smile.

Shepard raised an eyebrow and turned to her partner. "Kaidan?"

"Right, sorry, Shepard," Kaidan realized he never mentioned that the bar was owned by his cousin; they were in a rush this morning and that detail hadn't come up. He properly introduced the two, Shepard relaxing once she understood Kaidan wasn't discussing her in such a casual sense with just some random bartender. She placed her drink order - whisky, the same as Kaidan. Tristan turned his attention to the pair of gorgeous asari customers entering his bar, giving Shepard and Kaidan a moment to finally relax.

Until Shepard interrupted their peaceful quiet by bringing up the hearing.

"How did it go?" she pried.

Kaidan sighed, remembering the moment when he thought it was all over:

_"What is your relationship with Commander Shepard?" a member of the Alliance brass asked._

_"I have the utmost respect for the commander. We work well together. She occasionally asks for my input, which I gladly give, but I still know where I stand and follow orders."_

" _Did she ask for your input on stealing the Normandy from lockdown?"_

" _No. She kept me out of it. Didn't want any of the blow back falling on me or any other crew members. She wanted it to all come back on her."_

And that was it. They hadn't pried into whether Kaidan had gotten too familiar with Shepard. There hadn't been any allegations about a personal relationship between the two of them. Nothing. Kaidan was relieved, to say the least.

Shepard listened intently as he briefly recapped what he could while they were in public, her radiant smile making it difficult for him to focus.

"What about yours? Anything I should know?" Kaidan asked when he finished filling her in.

Shepard smiled reassuringly. "I took the fall. There will be no promotions out of this, obviously, but no one is getting demoted or discharged either. The crew can stay if they would like to; The Alliance isn't forcing anyone to be reassigned. I think that they're amazed at how loyal my crew is, to be honest. We are being ordered to take a week of leave, though. The Normandy needs some repairs, and we all need some R&R."

Kaidan smiled widely - this was the best news they could have hoped for. He took another sip of his whisky. "A whole week off with you? What in the world are we going to do?" his husky tone suggested he had many ideas, as did his wandering honey colored eyes.

As Kaidan took the final sip of his whisky, his eyes roved over her body. Shepard knocked backed what was left of hers. "How about we get out of here?" she asked, eyeing him coyly.

One side of Kaidan's lips turned up in a devilish grin. "Yes ma'am," he agreed, quickly paying the bill. He took her by the hand, not caring if anyone noticed them, and led her out of the bar.

* * *

Completely focused on Shepard, the clicking sound of door to the apartment closing behind Kaidan was his only indication it had shut behind them. His gaze was fixated on her; on how gorgeous she looked standing there in that pale blue dress, on how the lights from the evening cycle of the Citadel behind them gave her a glow in a spectrum of colors. On how her bright silver eyes fixated on his smile. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't wait another second.

Kaidan rushed to Shepard, his hands cupping her cheeks as his mouth met hers, heavily and hungrily. She moaned lightly as she moved her mouth against his passionately. Kaidan pressed his body tightly against Shepard's, making her aware of his full intentions for the rest of the evening. She dug her dainty fingers into his curly black hair, pulling it with more strength than one would imagine those tiny hands to have. Kaidan groaned and slowly slid his tongue against hers, a stark contrast against how quickly their kiss had begun.

Evelyn pulled back to breathe, and Kaidan took the opportunity to nibble on and kiss her neck. She let out an approving gasp and further sunk her body against his. He stopped his tantalizing ministrations to whisper in her ear. "Feeling better today, Evie? I noticed your limp is gone."

Breathlessly, she nodded. "Yes, my ankles are fine. Doc says to take it easy on my chest, though."

"Well then," Kaidan growled and swooped Shepard up into his arms. "I'll be extra careful, then." There was a devious tone to his voice and a fire in his eyes.

Evelyn smirked as her lover needlessly carried her to the bedroom and gently sat her on the edge of the bed. Evelyn moved to lay back, but Kaidan protested. "Stand up," he ordered.

She did as he asked, her heart beating with anticipation for what would come next. She was incredibly turned on by Kaidan telling her what to do, relishing the chance to not be in charge for once.

Kaidan took his strong, calloused hands and slowly traced his fingers over her skin, beginning at the back of her hands and travelling all the way up to the tops of her shoulders. Carefully, he peeled the straps of her dress off to the side, taking in the sight of her mostly exposed chest. And though it was covered in bruises, she was still gorgeous to him. He brought his lips to her ear yet again, keeping his warm body a slight, yet painstaking distance away from hers. "Take off your bra."

She nodded in acknowledgement and moved her hands behind her back. As her fingers met the clip, Kaidan's hands tucked inside of the waistband of her dress, peeling it off. The dress hit the floor, followed by her bra, leaving a fully-clothed Kaidan standing there admiring Evelyn's nearly naked body; only grey lacy underwear covered the most private of spaces on her body. She yearned for him to discard his clothes, to match her so that she might admire his body as he did hers.

Kaidan stepped closer to her, his hand going straight for her hair, and his mouth back against hers. "Lay back," he insisted.

This time when Evelyn obliged him, he spoke up. "What do you say?" his voice purred.

She gave Kaidan a quizzical look, unsure of how he wanted her to respond.

"You say 'yes, sir,'" he informed her, his voice thick with desire.

Evelyn gulped, excited and nervous all at once. "Yes sir," she whispered.

"Good girl," Kaidan growled as he climbed over her. His hands reached for her wrists, pinning her to the bed. "I want you to stay...right...there," his husky voice whispered as a gentle blue aura surrounded his (unfortunately still clothed) body.

Shepard felt a gentle numbing pressure over her wrists as Kaidan removed his hands from them and stood at the edge of the bed. "Did you put my wrists in a stasis?"

"Do you like it?" Kaidan asked, his voice wavering with a hint of worry. "I've always wanted to...experiment with biotics during sex. I just never had to chance before." The playfulness had left his voice as he studied her reaction soberly, wanting to make sure she was ok with this direction.

Evelyn smiled devilishly. "I do, actually. I won't ask again," she promised, giving him a little wink.

"Good girl," Kaidan winked back, demonstrating his grateful approval. "Though please tell me if something I do hurts or makes you feel the least bit uncomfortable."

"Absolutely," Evelyn promised.

Kaidan whipped his shirt over his head. "Good." With that one word, his voice had returned to that dark, decadent tone which sent a shiver of anticipation down Evelyn's spine.

The revelation of his taut, tanned abdomen caused heat to pool between Evelyn's legs. She licked her lips, her eyes following his every movement as he slowly undressed in front of her. His hands reached for his belt, pulling it tighter so that he might loosen it. Slowly, it slithered through the loops until it was entirely free from his pants, discarded to the floor without a care. She wanted so badly to sit up, to reach forward and undo the buttons on his jeans and get rid of them, but she was still trapped in the stasis on the bed. Instead, she attempted to be patient, groaning with anticipation as Kaidan removed his pants as slowly as he possibly could. With only his black boxer briefs left, Kaidan stepped in closer to Evelyn as she lay with her legs draped over the bed. He pushed his erection towards her center, the layers of fabric driving her crazy. Kaidan smirked, dipped his fingers into his waist band, and slid his boxers down, his hard cock proudly jutting forth. He placed his hands on her remaining undergarment, his fingertips barely sliding beneath them.

"Say please," he purred.

"Please," she breathed desperately.

Warm, strong fingertips curled into her delicate underwear and slid them over her hips. They stopped at her ankles, and she kicked her foot free from one side, not bothering with the other, and she raised her hips, trying to meet Kaidan's.

He pushed her hips back down. "Patience, Evie."

Kaidan positioned himself at her entrance, teasing her with his cock. She whimpered, and finally he carefully slid his hard length inside her soaking wet center. His thumb reached for her clit, and swirled around it as he slowly penetrated her. He continued his ministrations, bringing her closer and closer to the edge. Just as she was about to reach her climax, Kaidan suddenly removed his hands and stopped moving inside of her.

She groaned in protest. Kaidan responded with a smirk, and the stasis on her wrists was lifted.

"Evie, you are so easy to please. I just want to have a little more fun." Kaidan teased with his husky voice. He then ordered her to scoot further back on the bed, and she obeyed.

He bit his lip at the sight of her. "I want to try something different, okay?"

Evelyn grinned, intrigued by what he could have planned. "Yes, sir," she submitted.

Kaidan growled in approval before issuing his next move. "On your hands and knees," his voice purred.

Shepard complied, arching her back while she faced away from him in the position he requested. Kaidan's body heat indicated his approach, and his hands appeared next to hers. His cock brushed against her entrance, eliciting a gasp from her. His lips met her ear. "Please let me know if it's too much or if I'm hurting you, ok?" he requested, gentleness and sincerity prevalent in his voice. Shepard nodded in affirmation, and his hands disappeared from her side. He adjusted his shaft at her core, and slowly inched his way inside, filling her completely. The angle was intense, but felt absolutely incredible. The pressure of his calloused hand against her hip added to the sensation, his fingers slightly digging into her side. Carefully, he pulled out and pushed back inside of her, his pace barely increasing with each repetition of the pleasurable motion.

Just when she thought it couldn't get any better, Kaidan's other hand made its way back to her clit, his fingers circling her nub as he penetrated her at a moderate, indulgent pace. She felt herself getting closer and closer to the edge, when suddenly, soft blue light began to fill the room. Kaidan's finger began to vibrate ever so slightly against her most sensitive of places. The subtle buzz sent her completely and unwillingly over the edge as she came crashing down around him, crying out his name, not bothering to care about how loud she said it. Like waves against the sand, Kaidan's orgasm followed hers, and he just as loudly moaned and called her name in appreciation as he spilled inside of her.

He gingerly embraced her from behind, being careful not to put pressure on her ribs, and showered her back in light kisses. He then released her, and exhausted, she twisted to the side and collapsed onto her back. "Kaidan, that was incredible," she confessed, her voice breathy.

He laid beside her and played with her hair. "No, you're incredible," he insisted. "I never dreamed I would meet someone who would let me try those things with them. You aren't afraid. You weren't even nervous." He laid his heart on his sleeve.

"Should I have been?" Evelyn asked, her delicate hands playing with one of the few hairs on his chest.

Kaidan smiled widely. "No, I guess not." He kissed her lips softly, but passionately - thankful to have finally found his perfect partner.

And then it happened - it just came out.

"I love you, Evelyn Shepard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooooh, I wonder what's gonna happen next?! :D Lucky for you, I plan to write at least two more chapters of this fic this month as part of my NaNoWriMo goals. :)


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